My Random Thoughts

Changes!

2012-01-21T19:51:00.003-06:00

I'm going to brag about my husband for a bit. Last September, Craig submitted a resume for consideration to appointed to a competative developement fellow position. We patiently waited for months as the applications were reviewed, and got excited when he was awarded an interview with a panel of "uppity ups" in Washington D.C. a few weeks ago. The interview went very well despite the fact that he literally had to run across a field to make it there on time after his rental car wouldn't start that morning. A week later, we learned that he had been selected! This is truly an honor and we are so excited that his career is taking this direction .

There are lots of unknowns yet about how this will all play out and that causes me a little anxiety, but we do know that the new position starts with orientation in Huntsville, Alabama on February 19. Initially, Lauren and I were going to go with him to Alabama, but decided against. Lauren does not transition well to travel/changes in sleeping habits, and Craig will not likely have much down time that we can spend with him anyway, so L and I are going to stay home. Craig has to phase out of his current position, which is bittersweet. His team is truly like a family to us...they have been wonderful for him to work for and so, so, so kind to us when we were having complications with our pregnancy. It is hard to leave such great people, but the the opportunties that await are amazing.

We also know that the program itsself is 3 years in length, divided into two 15 month segments in the Detroit area and a 6 month stint in DC working either at the Pentagon or the Taylor Building. After completion, the type of jobs he will be qualified for will be again in the Detroit area, so we won't be moving (aside from the temporary relo to DC)--which is a h.u.g.e. relief!

Even though I am super excited for Craig (and me, too!) I am not liking the unknown of when we'll be where. I'm tinkering with returning to work casually, but that is off of the table until more information is available. I want to enroll Lauren in an infant swim course, but can't commit to the time frame at this point. So hard to be in a little limbo.

In the meantime, we're praising the Lord for the opportunity and trying to turn the anxiety over to Him, too. It's all good...just a little scary!

Things

2012-01-14T21:26:00.002-06:00

I never intended to let my blog go for so long. Days are filled with meals, diaper changes, Story Time (library), MOPS, playing, clean-up, and naps. Evenings are family time, and by the time the little one drifts off to sleep there is nothing left in me. Except tonight...Craig was off today and we had a quiet day around the house tag-teaming for the care of our sweet girl.

The last few months have been very good. We made a quick trip back to Iowa when our plans fell through to have Maddie come here for Thanksgiving. It was nice to be with family, but not so great to spend 10 hours in the car each way to get there and back. Lauren is a fantastic traveler and we only had to stop ONCE on the way home--can I get an AMEN!?!?! Still, it is a brutal drive. By the time we got home we hand 1.5 weeks before returning to Iowa for Christmas...just enough time to get my girl a little less clingy and unspoiled after constant attention was paid to her over Thanksgiving. Lauren and I flew there for Christmas and Craig drove out to meet us a little later. Flying was...well...interesting, but I care not to do a solo flight with her until she is a little older (and can sit still). I was a little overwhelmed with the amount of baggage we had for 3 weeks away from home. A very large checked suitcase, a car seat, medium stroller, stuffed-to-the-brim carry-on, and a diaper bag. It was a little tricky to make sure I had the right things in places where I could get to them, but overall people were very helpful. It is amazing how nice people are to a baby. And to the mom of a baby. Delta gave me....um, her...an extra package of cookies, people offered to stow and retrieve my carry-on for me, the lady behind and to the right on the plane made faces to entertain Lauren, and best of all my fam was waiting on the other end to relieve my burdened arms of their contents (namely, the girl).

A week before we left I caught a massive head cold, which was miserable. I took Sudafed religiously but I can't say it really helped. When I arrived on "vacation" I was really worn down. The combination of the stress and cold settling in my ears caused me to be sick with Meniere's type symptoms for about a week. Not.fun. My "bad" ear is still ringing louder than usual and I feel forced to watch my sodium intake closer than ever. =(

All in all, it was a good time, though. We got to go to my cousin's wedding and see a ton of extended family there. 6/7ths of the new Nieuwsma babies were there so it was especially fun to meet them. We also had a great time in Omaha the week between Christmas and New Years with Craig's family. We spent NYE in the Quad Cities with our good friends Tim and Molly, which was wonderful. The trip back was delayed by a snow storm near Kalamazoo that slowed us down by about 3 hours. :(

It is so nice to be home in Michigan again. It made me realize how much this house and area really feels like home now to me. As after any trip it took us about a week to get back in our routine with Lauren. She really misses having her entourage of people at her disposal!

Lauren is changing so much right now. She started crawling just after Christmas and is unstoppable. The four teeth that she has are 2 bottom center and 2 outside top. It makes for a funny smile but we love it! She is really into books, music, and blocks and loves to cuddle with Mommy! Nothing, though, is more precious to her than food. She will eat ANYTHING...which is a relief to me. There is not room in this house for more than one picky eater and Craig has informed me that he has little intention of changing! She is starting to look more and more like a little girl and less like a baby, which is bittersweet. Such a sweet girl.

Craig and I were just talking tonight about how a year ago things were so uncertain. I was on week 4 of strict bedrest and scared that I would either go crazy (I did, it's true), or bring our little miracle into the world too soon (I did not). In retrospect it is amazing to see how everything worked out so perfectly, although at the time it was not felt. We are so grateful that God allowed us to carry to term. That experience as well as our short time with CJ, have taught me to appreciate every moment because each truly is a gift. My motto in all things is to be thankful. I never in a million years thought I would be nearly laughing outloud as I scrubbed sweet potatoes off of the fabric blinds this week, but I am so happy to be a mom that it was almost a joy. Almost. The journey to get here was brutal at times, but it has made this place in our lives even sweeter.

Well, I need to get some sleep. Even though I am spoiled with a 9 month old that sleeps between 12-13 hours per night, she has already been down for 3 and I'm looking forward to a little extra snooze and going to Church in the morning.

Thanks for checking in!
~M

Sticky hands.

2011-10-25T21:37:00.003-05:00

I love the way she giggles at random things. A sneeze. A hiccup. A toy that surprises her. I love the way she drops everything and throws her arms up in a plea to be picked up whenever she sees me. I love the pucker that takes over her face when she eats fruit. I love how singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" will turn her fiercest cry into contentedness and how she grabs the newspapers and shakes them wildly when I am sorting the mail. I love the way her sticky hands fly a million miles a minute when I try to wipe them, and how she uses those same hands to yank handfuls of hair from my scalp. Kind of. Let me explain.

When I was carrying Lauren there were so many worries. I tease that she is such a good sleeper now because I never let her sleep for any length of time at all when I was pregnant with her--just making up for sleep lost! If it had been very long since I felt her move I would start poking here and there at my belly to get a little kick or movement. I lived on a continuum of "what if's" followed by appointments assuring that all was fine, followed by what if's again.

I wanted to do everything right. With CJ I learned that doing everything right isn't always enough, and that left me in a very scary place. I knew that things were out of my control, so I trusted it to the One who was orchestrating the show, but still I was filled with anxiety--which was a new (and horrible) feeling for me. It was like my heart knew that everything would be ok, but my head would not stop the static that let me dwell on what my heart was saying.

When I reflect on these feelings I am even more grateful for the girl I hold in my arms tonight for I have learned how fragile and precious life is through the lives of my children...through the death of one and the birth of the other.

I love my little Lauren. Hair pulling and all.

2011-10-05T21:01:00.003-05:00

My Mom has been in town. Then I went to her town...er...country. Now she is back in my town, but will be leaving to go back to her country next week. All in all we have spent the last 5 weeks together. It has been nice and I don't want it to end but we have made it count. I think.

We spent one day canning meat. There is nothing like some home canned Iowa beef in some stew, noodles, or as a bbq sandwich on a cold winter day...or a warm fall day for that matter. Anyone who comes to visit us will probably get a taste in some form. (Insert sense of bribery here.) D.Lish.Us.

For those of you who have been to our house, you may remember the window treatments in the master bathroom. IF you received the grand tour, that is, or else randomly wandered in there. They consisted of some shears haphazardly tucked into the mounting hooks for the bamboo shades. Horrifying. What is worse? The view from outside. We discovered this week that the bamboo shades are c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y. transparent. TRANSPARENT. Completely. As are the shears, as are the walls in our shower. We had too much going on to fix the problem the next day, so Craig showered in the dark while I stopped showering completely. I don't know why it did not occur to me until this very moment to use the upstairs shower. Home Depot has these nifty window clings that make the windows look like etched glass that we applied and they don't look too bad. We left the worthless bamboo shades in place only because they don't look too bad and are putting up a swag curtain tomorrow. What must the neighbors think? I'm not sure, but that is probably for the best. Sigh.

Little L is growing like crazy. She is now rolling from back to tummy. I am sure that she CAN roll from tummy to back, too, but there is no need when Grandma is here...all she has to do is squawk a little. =) She is sitting up and really interacting a lot more. (L, that is, not Grandma. Well, Grandma is too, but that's beside the point) We have spent countless moments picking out the perfect toys to both entertain and educate and she has chosen a paper coffee cup from a hotel as her current favorite, with a newspaper as a close second. She sleeps well, plays well, and eats well. This girl loves to eat. Anything. Whenever we have any food anywhere near her she is always trying to bum a bite. So far we haven't found anything that she doesn't care for, which is good...and a little bad. She giggles when you pretend to eat her tummy, won't smile for a camera for anything, and l.o.v.e.s. her grandma. I don't know what we ever did without this little girl. She is a heart melter.

I'm tired. I know this isn't much, but blogging is always more a dream than a reality these days. Obviously. I'm still hoping that some day I'll be able to catch up, but for now, here are a few more of the things that we have been up to in our time with mom:

Informational knee-replacement meeting, Volleyball games, Wii tournaments (Carnival Golf, Party Games 3), trying new recipes, sleeping in, Ikea, Date night with C, Chocolate, Thrifting, Garage Sales, Christmas gift making, 6 month baby pics, Sushi, Caffeine Free Diet Dew by the 2 liter, Cooking with my new pressure pan (LOVE!), Sorting, cleaning, and playing, playing, playing with a baby girl.

That's it. 'Nite all!
~M

Questions

2011-08-04T20:14:00.004-05:00

Parenthood has raised some questions in my mind. Most of them are ones that I would never ask a person face to face. That is the beauty of the internet...you can ask questions to no one. And everyone. All at once. Sa-weet!

Why do I sometimes wish that my daughter would take a nap and then wish that she would wake up as soon as she falls asleep so that we could play some more?

Does changing one's diaper immediately create the urge for one to fill it?

How much does the average family spend on batteries for toys and where do we fall in that range?

How come cute outfits only last a short while before catastrophe strikes but ugly ones can be worn for days?

Why must diaper companies characterize their diapers? Do you really think that my girl (or I) cares that she has Mickey on her duds? I don't care much for the character ones but am not willing to pay more for fewer quantity of the Pampers Prints which ARE cute.

Speaking of diapers, do you know that we have already gone through about 500 of them? (sigh)

Do all old ladies in Michigan grocery shop at Kroger on Thursday mornings? They do here, and so do I because they are sooooo nice. (and I don't know many people here yet.)

Does anyone else's husband read landscaping supply catalogs from cover to cover? (sigh again)

Is it possible that after a year of searching and visiting a myriad of churches we may have finally found what we've been looking for? Yessssss!

Why does my girl hate tummy time so much?

Is it true that little L has us so in love with her that we daily trash our own house with toys, books, and random amusements?

Why does baby's rice cereal look so good to me?

Is it normal that rice cereal looks good?

Does everyone stop watering their plants when they have a baby? My peace lily no longer looks peaceful or lili-ish.

Will I ever sleep through the night again? Just because baby does, doesn't mean Mama can.

Does anyone know where baby's missing pink pacifier or 4 oz bottle are? (I know you have one paci, mom, but there is another that is awol)

How do you slow down the clock? Time goes entirely too fast.

What did we ever do before Little L?

2011-07-22T01:24:00.001-05:00

A year ago is etched out in my mind as a day I will never forget. A day where the pendulum of emotion nearly did a full circle instead of a back-and-forth motion. We were in the midst of our moving fiasco. The Mayflower had descended on the driveway to our new house just a few days before and unloaded what seemed like (and maybe really was) millions of boxes everywhere. Craig was gone to work while Maddie and I had a load of errands to run.
The first stop was at the lab with a requisition for some blood tests in hand. It was already warm if not hot outside when we arrived at the clinic. After checking in we found a seat. Maddie buried her nose in her book (imagine that!) while I thumbed through a magazine. FOX news was giving a rundown of the breaking headlines on a tv not too far away. I was drawn into the story of a rescue effort in the Grand Tetons where a group of climbers had met a horrific storm along their quest for the summit. 16 climbers had been rescued via helicopter the day before with various injuries and the search continued for one last climber who, as they reported, could not be located. Something moved within me. A sickening feeling had found my gut and I felt led to pray for the missing climber and their family. I encouraged Maddie, who had become inquisitive about the story, to do the same.
This had become common practice in the last few months. I was still bearing the fresh wounds of loss. It was just 4 months prior that Christopher was born into heaven. My dad hadn't been gone even a year then. Kimmi had been gone just a little over a year. Someones child was in danger while all his parents could do is wait to see what happened next. I remembered those feelings of helplessness that I faced in the hospital while waiting to see if by some small miracle we would get to keep our son, knowing that another parent somewhere was likely experiencing a similar scenario. My mother's heart was connecting.
The lab tech interrupted my thoughts, did my labs, and sent us on our way. We barely made it to Target before my phone rang. Daryl and Chris on the caller ID. I don't usually refer to my parents by name, but programmed my phone to do so so that I didn't have to scroll all the way down to the "M's" to call Mom. After Dad died I never changed it and now probably never will. I like seeing his name and something seems a little too final about taking it off. I still have Kimmi's long-since disconnected number in my phone, too. Anyway...Mom is not very good at hiding it when something is bothering her. Her voice was shaky as she tried unsuccessfully to small-talk. Finally she got down the the reason for her call. "Your cousin Brandon is missing. He was on a climbing trip in the Tetons...." It connected instantly. Tears of concern (to say the least) worked their way to the surface. Our conversation was short and after we hung up I told Maddie about it and called Craig. On the way home we prayed for Uncle Bob, Aunt Linda, and Brandon's siblings as they faced the unknown, as well as for Brandon that he would be found safe and quickly.
As I pulled into the driveway, glad to be home, the phone rang again. It was my doctor's office. "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" And there went the fruit basket. A quick phone call was made to Craig giving him a coded message (Maddie's ears are never far away when she's with us!) about our good news. I recall feeling so bad for Madison. She is such a tenderhearted girl and was hurting over the situation surrounding Brandon, but I could not share my great news with her yet...I was only 16 days along. As I pulled the car in the garage another issue surfaced and provided a needed distraction. Our pet rabbit, Dixie, was looking a little not so healthy.
In record time I had called Craig, found a vet that treats rabbits in the area, and returned to the garage where Dixie's cage was temporarily set up. There I found very confused Maddie and a rabbit that was now seizing. Wonderful. I think that it is safe to say that I was in some level of shock then. I explained to Maddie that Dixie was probably dying. We talked about how she looked comfortable, and we wished that we could help her, but the best thing that we could do for her then was to love her, talk to her, and pet her until she was gone. Craig really wanted me to still take her to the vet, but there is a limit to what I will and will not do. Not to sound cruel, but I will not scoop up a not-in-pain appearing 8 year old rabbit with a 6 year life expectancy mid seizure and drive around the suburbs of Detroit looking for the bunny vet. Not gonna happen. Luckily she went pretty quickly, but it didn't necessarily ease the process of explaining the death process to an already upset child. We were able to get a good laugh in, though, when I called the vet's office to cancel our appointment and they offered their "deepest condolences on the loss of our special dog."
I spent quite a bit of time in the basement that afternoon. Our wireless internet was not working just yet and the only way I could get online was to hardwire in. I checked my e-mail constantly waiting for an update from the family, and continuously browsed news websites for any information that would tell me that Brandon had been found and was OK. Eventually the call came. Brandon's body was found 3,000 feet below where he had last been seen. In a split second with a clap of thunder the Lord had whispered "Come with me." Just as he did to dad and to Christopher.
My heart wrenched and my body shook with the news. Several thoughts and none at all were surging through my head at the seeming senselessness of it all. Some people get mad at God when tragedy of this magnitude strikes, especially repetitively, but I can't. God's perfect plan for this world didn't include pain, separation, I was sick of it. I get it. People die and we're separated from them, but I was just tired of hurting and seeing people that I love hurt.
That night was a somber one at our house. We buried Dixie under a tree in the back yard (our first whole-family time spent in the yard while the neighbors watched, mind you). We cried and didn't have much of an appetite for dinner, but mostly we talked, and appreciated more the time that we have together. And we prayed, thanking God for Brandon's life and the little life that had taken root under my heart. The life that we we now know as our little miracle, Lauren.
I miss Brandon. I wish that I had known him better. One of my favorite memories of him is at a family reunion once when him and his dad were singing some song about the King of the Jungle and Brandon was dancing wildly while doing the actions. I miss his high-energy enthusiasm.

Sports Illustrated published an article about the climb that Brandon was on when his accident occurred. Here's a link for anyone who may be interested: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1188183/6/index.htm

My Vacation--in simple terms.

2011-07-08T22:55:00.003-05:00

Seven States in a week. (MI, IN, IL, IA, NE, KS, MO)
Family Family Family.
Reconnecting with friends.
Baby off schedule big time.
Sleeping in.
Good old Iowa Tenderloin.
Spoiling of a baby girl.
Ice Cream.
Sketchy cell service.
Sushi.
Ponytails.
Meaningful conversations.
Lots of cuddle time with my girl.
Successful parade experience.
Over indulging on the taste of "home."
New jewelery. =)
AE Skim Chocolate Milk.
Surrounded by growing crops.
Casey's General store (and pizza).
Slip N Slide (only an observer, though!)
Baby shower.
Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew in 2 liters/20 oz bottles.
Shopping.
Relaxing.
Pella Bologna.
Menards.
Fireworks.
Gravel Roads.
Head cold.
Sunglasses.
Hair frizzy from humidity.
Good sleep.
So much fun.

Update

2011-06-13T21:04:00.003-05:00

Check out how big Lauren and Maddie are getting! Can't believe it. Never mind the laundry basket...it never really seems to get to stay in its "home" for long...laundry is popular around here!

Ok, I have a quick minute to blog. I have been wanting to write so much lately, but either have not had the time or free hands to do so. Things are going well. Very well. We are adjusting to life with a baby and it is wonderful! Lauren has grown so much and is such a joy. It is week 2 of Madison being with us for 6 weeks this summer, and it is awesome to watch her and Lauren adore each other. Madison loves picking out Lauren's outfit each morning, gets her dressed, and is a great help throughout the day. She can really get Lauren to smiling.

Lauren is 2 1/2 months old already. I can't believe it! She is smiling quite a lot and has quite a lot to say at times. She has her mom's sleeping tendencies (YESS!!) and would rather sleep in a little than get up too early. She usually goes to bed around 10:30 and gets up around 5, eats, then goes right back to sleep until around 9. This is definitely my kid. =)

We had Lauren baptized in Davenport on June 6. It was a perfect day...so wonderful to celebrate with our family and Quad Cities friends that are like family. Lauren was in a good mood all day (she usually is) and didn't mind being passed around to many waiting arms at all. I hope to give her baptism its own post soon--but at the rate things go, we'll see how soon I get to it!

Last weekend we went on a little family road trip. The four of us went to Boyne Falls and the upper peninsula of Michigan. It was nice to have some family time with our girls. Time that went entirely too fast. We had a little excitement on our way home when we decided to break up the drive and make a quick stop at Bronner's Christmas Wonderland. Before we got to the intersection that we were supposed to turn at we we were re-routed by the police as there was some sort of Bavarian festival and parade. Somehow in our efforts to get to the other side of town we ended up driving down the main street where the parade was being held. I covered my face while urging Maddie to throw the remaining fruit roll ups out the window and wave. She didn't.

Ok. That is all I have time for for now. Lauren's patience is wearing thin...time to eat and get to bed. Hopefully I'll be back to update more soon!

5 weeks?

2011-05-02T21:30:00.002-05:00

Ahhh. A quiet moment to settle in with my thoughts and my blog. The little girl that has completely captured my heart (and destroyed any hopes of a complete night of sleep or a balanced budget) is taking her umpteenth nap for the day...this time on Daddy's chest.

Where have the last 5 weeks gone? I can't believe that much time has passed since our little Lauren landed in my arms. I have not spent much time blogging or on my computer. The T.V. has not been on much. The house has gotten progressively less tidy. Craig's parents, my mom, Maddie, and my friend Molly have all paid visits. We have taken our first road trip (to get Mom and Maddie in Grand Rapids and see family and our friend Mary). We've fallen into some sort of awkward routine. We've laughed and cried, but mostly have been humbled in awe of how in love we have fallen with this little miracle girl.

I knew by her trickery in the middle of the pregnancy that this little one would either be very stubborn or very content. As it turns out, we got the latter. Having no real relative experience, it seems safe to say that Lauren is a very easy baby. She cries when she is hungry, she cries when she needs a diaper change, and she sleeps. And sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. I never dreamed that I would spend so much time waking up my baby to eat. She gets so cozy that she would sleep literally all day and was slow to gain back the weight that she lost shortly after birth, so we had to (and still do at times) wake her up to eat. There is something so unnatural about that!

We are so blessed. I used to question why having a family was such a process for us, but when I hold my girl in my arms, there is no doubt in my mind that God was waiting for His perfect timing for her to join our family. He is so very good to us.

With that, I will close with a few random statements/questions that you may have heard if you were a fly on our wall in the last 5 weeks.

"What did we ever do before Lauren?"

"What happened to us?" (while completely sleep deprived in the doctor's office while Craig read me a children's book and I laughed hysterically)

"Whose idea was this baby thing?" (asked in the middle of the night while attempting to quiet and comfort a screaming baby)

"How many times this week have you washed the sheets?" (the answer was four. The kid's timing is impeccable)

"Diaper failure! Diaper failure! Help!"

"I'm not the one that spoiled her."

"What do we do now?"

"What happened to the box of diapers?"

"It's my pillow, and if I am ok with baby puke on it, then that is my business." (not me)

"How did we get so lucky to be parents to this little angel?" (spoken in all honesty)

"This kid is just playing games with me now."

"I think I just got outsmarted by a newborn."

OK...time is up and baby is awake. Goodnight all! We're hoping for a good nights sleep tonight, but if not, those quiet moments in the middle of the night holding my girl are pretty awesome, too!

Finally!

2011-04-06T16:11:00.000-05:00

Sorry that it took me so long to get this post done. Let me just say that things have been, well, I guess INTENSE would be the word to describe the last week. Intense in a wonderful way.

We had a baby girl last Monday 3/28. Her name is Lauren Kimberly. Lauren because Craig and I both liked it, and Kimberly in honor of Craig's sister who would have loved to spoil her, but will instead be watching her grow from Heaven. =(

Our little Lauren weighed in at 7 lbs 15 oz and was 21" long. She is a very content baby, has lots of dark hair, and has completely stolen our hearts. Craig and I simply can't get enough of her. She is an easy baby to love...especially now that she is only waking once (sometimes twice) during the night. Craig asked me today if she even got up at all in the night...she just eats then goes back to sleep. Of course now that this is published all of that will probably go out the window.

Though my body has nearly recovered from her delivery, my brain has not. Writing has been most difficult as I struggle to collect my thoughts to put into words. When you combine the lack of sleep, brain malfunctions, and my desire to spend every waking moment adoring my daughter, the writing has paused for a bit. I will try to do better...trust me. I have thoughts and feelings that I really want to share, but this little one (who currently has her little foot resting on my hand as she sleeps and I write this) keeps me busy busy busy with all of her activities.

Today is the first day since she was born that I have actually accomplished anything. I sorted through some baby clothes because Lauren is starting to push the limits of the newborn sizes already. That makes me sad. I am on my 3rd of 5 loads of laundry, have tidied up the kitchen, finished a few thank-yous, sorted the mail from the last three days, and even read the news. Now I'm settling in the chair with my little sweet. She's getting hungry again and then we're (hopefully AND likely) going to take a nap. Naps when I can get them are a must in my new world...otherwise evenings are not so pretty.

I'll sign out with a teaser of the professional pictures that we had taken when she was just a day old at the hospital. This is not the best one, but gives you a peek at our little miracle girl. We are so blessed.

OK...so maybe I'll open with the picture instead. I don't feel like fighting with the blog today to get the picture where I want it to be!

Happy Wednesday, All!

2011-03-27T21:02:00.003-05:00

I really should write something profound, but I am tired and tomorrow morning will come all too soon. It is a weird feeling to know that (hopefully) tomorrow sometime we'll have our new little addition. We will be at the hospital for induction first thing. SIGH. I love feeling this little one move around inside and will miss that so much, but at the same time am so excited to finally meet him/her. We are so blessed. Before I sign out for the night I just want to say THANK YOU to all of you. It seems that at so many turns of this pregnancy we were given a glimpse of how many people were keeping us in prayer. I firmly believe that those prayers have brought us to this place, and for that we are grateful beyond words. God's faithfulness and provision for us has been evident throughout this journey. Through the ups, downs, and uncertainties we have truly felt Him holding us in the palm of His hand and drawing us closer to Him. Thanks again and good night! It is off to sleep I go...I need to be well rested on the day that will undoubtedly change our lives. I will post pictures and make an announcement as time/circumstance permit!

2011-03-22T12:48:00.004-05:00

Some random thoughts. Mostly about pregnancy

Do you remember when McDonald's had Mac Jr. sandwiches? I wish they'd make a comeback. A Big Mac is too big (and too much fat, and too salty) but a Jr. would be about right. The snack wraps don't do it for me, either.
Toothpaste is still disgusting. I can tolerate it now, but can't think about what I am doing...which actually works well because my brain doesn't really work anyway.
A lot of good things in life are overlooked when your attitude gets bad. The key to bed rest for me was to stay positive...someone else always has it worse.
Strength is found in silence when you just let the Holy Spirit fill you. I love a quiet house these days...but am quite sure that they are limited.
It is easy to forget how far a 9 month pregnant belly sticks out. I've gotten "stuck" a few times or ran into things. Sorry, baby!
Hearing my baby's heartbeat and feeling it kick are the best sounds and feelings in the world. I try not to take one moment of them for granted...even though I REALLY want to hold this baby in my arms, and sometimes those kicks are painful!
Beef roast with potatoes and carrots is the best meal ever. I love plopping it in the crock pot in the morning, smelling it all day, and devouring it for dinner.
How sad is it that I can polish my toenails without much difficulty but have trouble getting my socks on? (or seeing how the polish job turned out?)
Finishing a good book is bittersweet. I love to find out how they end, but hate it that I usually end up wondering what happened next.
Craig eats onions regularly now! Shhhh...please don't tell him, he doesn't know!
It makes no sense to me how I spent week after week on strict bed rest trying to keep this baby in, and now have been up for nearly a month without going into labor.
I think that hardwood floors look nice, but I didn't realize that they need to be swiffered every single day. Come on, it is just the two of us...and apparently some dust-producing bunnies.
I don't know how, but am pretty sure that Baby Riedel has acquired some miscellaneous sports equipment in its playpen. I swear it was playing racquetball last night.
I have spent 13 1/2 of the last 17 months pregnant and am beginning to wonder what it feels like to not be edgy.
Aside from Maddie's room, we do not have any room in our house completely "settled" yet after our move. Tonight we are going to hang some metal thing above our mantle on the kitchen side of the fireplace...it will be the first holes in the wall. Pictures? We'll see...I'm not so good at follow through on that.
This pregnancy has had its share of unusual symptoms, but hasn't been textbook. For example: my appetite is nil, (I have now gained 7 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight and baby measures 7 lbs 11 oz!), I have no stretch marks on my belly, and my regular t-shirts and athletic pants fit and still have a little growing room.
Kroger is now the grocery store of choice. They are the only place in eastern Michigan that consistently has Hot Tamales in stock, plus they have this incredible ice cream.
Flying a 12 year old unaccompanied minor on a direct flight is ridiculous. Honestly, it is cheaper to fly an adult with her. Matter of fact it is even cheaper (by about $500) to fly her to Grand Rapids with a layover in Detroit than to fly direct to Detroit. Makes no sense at all! Thanks, Baby Riedel, for not arriving on our time sensitive schedule so that we can pay to fly Maddie twice. :)
I really wish I knew how to knit cute hats. Wait...summer is coming!
This week I renewed my Michigan nursing license (which for some reason they only issued for 9 months). My Iowa license expires in November, and my Illinois license next May. I have no idea what I am going to do work-wise at this point, but at least the doors are open for a lot of options.
I thought that my orchid would bloom near the same time that baby was born. I was wrong and don't plan on waiting for it...although the kid seems to be holding out...
Tomorrow is the big day. Stay tuned for updates! I'll post soon!

Today

2011-03-19T18:31:00.002-05:00

Today I started the big countdown to when Baby Riedel arrives. 6 days or sooner.

Today Craig and I dropped Maddie and my mom off at the airport. It was sad. I don't like good-byes. At all.

Today I got my belly stuck between some lady's cart and the checkout counter at the grocery store. It was embarrassing. Sometimes I forget that my belly sticks out more than ever and has no give.

Today I went on a date with my husband for the first time in several months. We went to a movie...Just Go With It....it was good, but not great.

Today I waited in the restroom line for about 5 minutes at the movie theater before I realized that I would rather risk wetting my pants in the car than standing in that line. (I did make it home, for the record!)

Today I reaped the benefits of always checking the supply of toilet paper before picking a stall in a public restroom. 2 out of 3 had empty dispensers. Whew!

Today I fixed my husband dinner. Who cares if it was leftovers.

Today I made a little girl's day when I bought three boxes of girl scout cookies. Sadly though, neither one of us could figure out how much change she owed me. My brain is failing fast.

Today I watched Craig and Maddie struggle to put clean sheets on Maddie's loft bed and only helped a little bit. I hate making that bed so much.

Today I posed for one last "family of three" picture before Maddie left.

Today was a good day.

Stillness

2011-03-10T07:00:00.001-06:00

March 10, 2010. One of the days in recent years that my brain takes a pause to reflect as I remember how it unfolded. My heart shutters as the recollection of events march forward. At each phase I will for them to be changed in a way that would make the result at the end of the day different, yet between then and now my mind has embraced the way everything was orchestrated to allow for peace to fill my soul. So emotion packed. Joy, despair, helplessness, trust, knowing that God was holding our situation in His very capable hands, worry, feelings of failure, feelings of accomplishment. Most of all the underlying current of the day filled me with stillness. The verse from Psalm 46 came to mind. "Be still and know that I am God." Stillness was all around me and being in the midst of it my soul was infused with new hope and, oddly, joy. Inexplicable joy. My soul was just as still as my womb where our Christopher had fallen into a forever earthly rest.

It is hard to believe that it was a year ago now that he died. The images of our little guy are so fresh in my mind and I hope that they will always stay that way. I remember seeing him for the first time and feeling completely overwhelmed that this was actually happening. I remember the awesome midwife that assisted with the delivery saying "He looks like a perfect little boy." I remember Craig sitting in the chair near my bed looking upon our son, his eyes brimming with tears of both pride and loss. And I remember that little body so perfect, complete and peaceful. It was at that moment that I realized how precious life is once again. How at some moment in the last day our tiny son's little heart gave its final beat and changed the future as we had planned it leaving feelings of hurt and confusion in its wake.

Shortly after his silent birth Craig and I had a heart to heart while passing our still son back and forth in his little basket. It was perhaps the conversation that changed our relationship from great to awesome. We talked between unrestrained tears about a lot of things with our souls exposed and vulnerable. That conversation ended with a a few promises to each other. One was that the day our son died would not also be the day that his parents stopped living. Our mindset in our journey, which required rather intense medical intervention, to becoming a family was always to choose life....no matter what. This time we needed to make a conscious decision, in honor of our son, to choose life not for him because it was too late, but for ourselves. We knew that there would be lots of new feelings and emotions that we likely had never felt before, and those thoughts could be given the power to either unite us further or break us down. We committed to unite, to share, to trust, and to pull together and to heal. Another promise was that we would not allow the sad place we found ourselves in that day to be where our journey becoming a family would end. Though the future could easily result in more loss and hurt we could not leave that hospital room and our son behind knowing that it was the end. It couldn't be. In honor of our son we would try again. He will always be my firstborn, always be very loved and very wanted and will never be replaced in our hearts or lives.

A lot of healing has taken place between then and now, but my heart will forever bear a scar from the hurt caused by the loss and my mind will always wonder how life would be if he had lived. We were blessed by his existence and have been blessed in ways that we never would have imagined since his passing.

So here's to a day of honoring our firstborn son whose time with us was much too short. Our son whose life brought us joy and purpose. Our son whose death left us broken but united. Our baby who made March 10 be a day that we celebrate the fact that he lived. Our sweet Christopher Job who was born into heaven last year on this day.

Letters

2011-03-04T03:00:00.000-06:00

Dear Mario,

It has been a pleasure getting to know you and your super brothers (whoever they may be)again via the Wii. I know that our relationship has been rather intense lately, but I find it only proper to inform you that soon I will be breaking up with you. I have also very much enjoyed the opportunity to practice mad driving skills while living vicariously through your friend, Daisy, on the Mach Bike. Unfortunately this has become slightly less than fun lately as everyone that I have competed against has completely annihilated and embarrassed me.

However, my baby seems to absolutely love your sound effects. Or perhaps it is the voice of its father screaming "UNFAIR" (to put it mildly) during competitions. Either way, we may be interested in having you perform your background music during some times when nothing else is working. A soundtrack for infants would be nice.

~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sleep,

Remember when you used to come to me every night for about 9 hours? I miss that. Please come back.

~~~~~~~~
Dear Baby Riedel,

It has been a joy to carry you and I have absolutely no regrets about our time together...Well...I guess I regret the turkey sausage ingestion that one day, but that is not your fault. However, I am very ready to hold you in my arms and see the chubby cheeks that you've likely gained from stealing all of my calories for the last several months. I will definitely miss all of your silly antics from within, though.

~~~~~~~~

Dear Water company,

So sorry for our recent influx of water demands. Blame it on the kid. Many times it was a false alarm. Do we still have to pay for those flushes?

~~~~~~~~

Dear Hospital,

Thank you for finally agreeing to credit me back the $5.25/day charge for turning on the TV and the $2.75/day charge for phone service during my 8 day stay in December. Perhaps you now realize that especially unemployed dutch pregnant women don't part with their pennies lightly.

~~~~~~~

Dear Readers,

Thank you for being patient with me as I struggle to write these days. I will update soon. Hopefully I will have some "real" news!

Tomorrow! =S

2011-02-17T09:05:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow is the big day. I will find out whether or not I can increase my activity. This is the day that I have been counting down to for the last few months, but now that it is really almost here, I have to admit that I am a little nervous. Why? Because I have no endurance. I have an ultrasound every Tuesday and see the doctors every Friday and these appointments completely wear me out! By the time I get up, shower, get ready, crash for a few minutes, go, and get home I am drained. My muscles cramp up and all I want to do is sleep.

Many people have asked what I will do first if given the go-ahead. To be honest, probably not much! We may stop and actually have lunch at a restaurant on our way home, but otherwise I plan to spend a lot of time up and about at home. I never dreamed that there would be a day when going to a mall seemed daunting or getting groceries impossible. One thing is for sure, though. Craig will be by my side. I am looking forward to fixing meals again and doing a little cleaning that has been bugging me. (Not that Craig hasn't done a fantastic job, he just doesn't seems to have a more tolerant relationship with dust bunnies!).

My mom is coming out in a couple of weeks for a while. My sister and her family will be here and bringing Maddie over their spring break, and Craig's parents will be coming for a time also over their spring break, so things will be busy. Who knows whether or not we will have the baby yet by the time any of them are here...but we've had lots of "encouragement" to get this kid out before their arrivals. =)

On the last ultrasound they did another biophysical profile which can take up to 30 minutes to gather enough information to see how strong baby is and how well developed the lungs are. The probe was on my belly for less than 5 minutes before the tech said that baby had already passed. Breathing movements are strong and for the last few weeks baby has been described as "perfect," which I already knew! (but there may be a bit of bias coming into play!)

Overall, I am feeling pretty well. Heartburn doesn't bother me much anymore at all, I am sleeping pretty well most of the time, and baby seems to have found a "middle ground" in the last few days where it is neither constantly pushing on my bladder or invading my lung space. I can definitely tell that he/she is running out of space in there because the movements are not as lighthearted. If this kid is going to move it is like a steamroller these days. I love those wiggles. Honestly, I will not be surprised either if a foot comes poking through my side one of these days. Baby tends to pick a spot and then show it no mercy. =)

OK...that is enough for now. Happy Thursday, all!

2011-02-15T11:37:00.006-06:00

Ok, so today I feel like writing. Problem is: I have nothing more of significance to say. Therefore, this post may be a bit random. I could tell you all about the little things that I do to pass my time, but it would be boring for all of us if I wrote about how much time I really spend on my computer or honestly just stare at the wall and think. Strangely, the last 2 months have gone remarkably fast, but as the end draws near my anxiousness to be up and about makes the down time more difficult. I know that I am weak and am planning out my strategy for making my body a little less jell-o like. I plan to go on a lot of walks to start with. This may sound small, but it is a lofty goal for someone who hasn't spent much more than a few minutes at a time on her feet in more than 2 months. It is amazing how fast you lose strength.

This morning I killed a spider in the bathroom. I had just taken a shower and was sitting on the edge of the tub to lotion up when it appeared out of nowhere and tried to kill me. I hate spiders. This one was about the size of an eraser but did not survive it's unfortunate encounter with a kleenex. It is the first spider that I have seen in this house and hopefully the last. I do not like insects because they are creepy. All of them.

We've been working on a lighting project. (FYI, in case you didn't realize, when I say "we" I really mean "Craig"). We bought our house from an investor who replaced all of the fixtures that the previous owners had removed before they abandoned the property. The fixtures are nice, but the one in the dining room was annoying us because the new one evidently had a smaller base than the old one, which left a ring on the ceiling. We decided that the most efficient fix was just to put a light medallion around it. That is what they do on HGTV and they look nice. Buying it was the easy part. Craig then cut the base to size to fit the current fixture (which of course was non-standard), spray painted the medallion, and proceeded to dry fit the fixture. The screws were now too short. Trip one to Home Depot: longer screws. Looked perfect, but were slightly larger diameter than the original ones so the bolt wouldn't fit. Trip two to Depot: slightly smaller screws, but lo and behold they weren't quite long enough. Trip three to Depot followed by trip to Lowe's: right size screws, but one was a little stripped on the end and wouldn't thread. Trip four to hardware store: replacement screws of same size. Um, maybe they actually weren't quite long enough after all. Yes, trip five: Ace Hardware: Perfect screws, a little long, but easily trimmed. Light fixture wired in and installed. No sparks. No smoke, works, looks great, but at the cost of one very frustrated "that wasn't worth it" spewing husband and therefore, a slightly cranky (due to starvation) pregnant wife. No more "little" projects for us for a while.

I could tell you about how we spent Valentine's day. It was an exciting one! Craig of course had to work and is taking a class this week so he couldn't come home for lunch. After work he got home at his usual time and was bearing a gift...quite possibly his greatest v-tines gift to me of all time. A half eaten bag of cinnamon gummy hearts. I got a hankering for them on Saturday and Craig stopped at: Walgreens, CVS, Meijer, Wal-Mart, Target, Hallmark and some random candy shop looking for them on Sunday. Without luck. At work on Monday a co-worker had brought in a stash that she had found and Craig bummed them off of her after telling her of his plight.

In addition to providing me with crazy dreams, the state of my mind has entertained me in other sad ways in the last few weeks. Here is an example, one that I probably would not care to share unless I had the hormones to blame. Last night Craig was tired and ready for bed. I was not. Since I am trying to stay on some sort of schedule, I grabbed my book and headed for bed at the same time. I just started this book the night before and had accidentally dropped it on the floor before I got to the end of chapter two. I decided just to leave it there and call it a night. I shoved my bookmark in a random page with intentions of sorting it out in the morning. I didn't get around to reading yesterday, so last night I started looking for where I thought I left off. Actually, none of chapter two was sounding too familiar, so I just started over from the beginning of the chapter. I read it and thought I fell back into the story line, became tired, and called it a night. I reached for the paper that was randomly in the book and it was a different bookmark. I was so confused, but after looking at the title of the book and reading the opening lines again, realized that I had just read chapter two of an entirely different book. I am not sure how that happened or why I didn't realize it before, but now feel ridiculously stupid that I didn't catch it before I read the whole darn chapter. This baby better come soon or there will be no hope.

I am obsessed with food. Not necessarily eating it, but thinking about it. Especially meat and pasta. Hot dogs come to mind a lot. I haven't eaten one in ages and have no intention of doing so, but I do think about them a lot. Other cravings are: cinnamon gummies (anything gummy for that matter), frozen zebra cakes, mint chip ice cream, baby swiss Cheez-Its, baked potatoes, honey nut cheerios, ramen noodles, fresh fruit, spaghetti, cream cheese pickle things (again, have not eaten them b/c of the lunch meat thing), suckers, garbage salads, carrots with ranch, and my very favorite...green beans. Craig bought 2 packages of frozen green beans last Friday, and they were gone by Monday morning. It has been a long week since then...

OK, I am really done writing for now. Hopefully soon I will have something more exciting to report...it won't be much longer before baby Riedel makes an appearance...so stay tuned!

Smiling because....

2011-02-03T12:06:00.004-06:00

Wow. Emotions are powerful. Sometimes I get caught up in everything and forget that good--VERY good--things are happening. It is time to make another list of things that make me happy.

Health. I may not have the best equipped body for carrying a baby, but I am healthy. Other than hearing loss in my left ear, I've got it pretty darn good.
Craig. I've said it before and I'll say it forever. He is AWESOME. I have told him over and over that there is NO way that I could get through this without him...and also that I would not be in this situation without him. =) There is a delicate balance between inflating your man's ego and excusing him from responsibility. A very fine line indeed. Don't cross it.
Maddie. Talking to her on the phone is uplifting. She is such a blessing to us and it is so sweet that she seems to like us too. Oh I can't wait until March when I get to love on her for a little while in person.
Ornery little Riedel or Riedelette. This kid is already full of spunk. (For simplicity sake, I will refer to baby as a "she" today) I told her that she needed to sleep well on Monday night because we had an ultrasound on Tuesday and it was one where her being alert would help her mother to get off of bed rest sooner. Of course, there was very little time between 4 pm Monday afternoon and 10:30 Tuesday morning that there was any stillness in my belly. Then, as the tech placed the ultrasound probe later in the morning, someone fell into a sleep cycle and didn't budge hardly at all, except to avoid a cute profile shot. Ugh. I get results tomorrow, but this kid could be grounded before birth.
Food. My appetite has gone haywire. Yesterday I had dinner 3 times. The amounts that I can take in at once are smaller, but I am constantly hungry, and not for just a little piece of fruit or something, but for a steak, taco, casserole, pizza, or plate of spaghetti. Oh...I need to not think about food...getting hungry again. Craig has been good about learning to cook, too, and a friend has brought over a few yummy meals that give him a nice break. Thank you so much, Julie, if you're reading out there...
A warm house. I told Craig that I really don't believe that we actually need to run the furnace this winter. I am so warm all of the time. Craig curls up in a wool army blanket topped with a down comforter while I sprawl out in sleeveless PJ's with a fan. My skin feels cool to the touch but this little pot belly stove thing I've got going on is cranking out some serious heat on the inside. I'm comfortable with the thermostat in the low 60's while Craig sneaks it up when he is home saying that he can see his breath in our family room.
My plants. I have a lot of plants and they make me smile. According to my calculations, my orchid (which I had all but given up on) will bloom about the time the baby is born. It is kind of odd because I first notice the sprout for the bloom the day that I found out I was pregnant. It really likes its home on the surround for the whirlpool tub and didn't even seem to mind when someone (not me) accidentally took it swimming during last week's watering. Oops.
Skype and free long distance service. It's been a lifesaver. Enough said.
Wii. Mario Kart is sa-weet! It is Diddy Kong on the Mach Bike all the way for me. If you are a fellow Karter and have your wii wifi up and going, send me your digits and I'll challenge you to a race on any track but Rainbow Road. You'll probably win, but I'll have fun chucking turtle shells at you.
Jeopardy. It stimulates my mind. I'm not half bad, either!
Family and Friends. The little notes/texts/calls of encouragement have been awesome. It amazes me that they arrive just when I need a little lift.
Our new table and chairs. We ordered a custom made Amish table with 6 chairs in December. I called yesterday to check the status and we could get them this month! So excited to get a little cherry in the dining room to complete it.
The mantle. It is littered with: a picture of Maddie, 2 Isabel Bloom pieces, a meerschaum vase that Craig brought home from Iraq, a small framed picture of CJ's little hand, 2 special Willow trees, a small plant, and a rhino that Maddie got us in Africa. All means a lot to me. Oh, and the Wii sensor. It's practical.
A comfy couch. Firm, yet cozy. I heart it but am ready to quit bonding with it.
Windows. We have a huge wall of windows in our family room. It is so nice to know what the weather is doing and watch the neighbor twin girls play in the snow.
My tongue has healed up again! After last week's episode of minor tongue swelling followed by the painful shedding of nearly all my taste buds, it is now getting better!
Zebra Cakes. When frozen, they are just about the perfect snack.
Green Beans. I never knew one could feel so strongly about a vegetable. Take them from their frozen state to slightly still crunchy, add a few bacon pieces, some butter, and voila! D.Lish.Us.

There are lots of other things that make me smile, but right now I'm not thinking of anything but food, so I'll spare you the details. Have a great weekend all! Stay safe and warm through this frigid wintery weather.

The Big Melt.

2011-01-30T09:04:00.007-06:00

I knew it was coming. I could feel the agitation in my bones as day after day turned into week after week of bed rest. On Thursday it happened. It was not pretty. Mount meltdown started to spew its freak out lava.

Generally speaking things have been going pretty well. Since September (gulp) I have been on restricted activity, and since December 6th I have only been on my feet long enough to take a quick shower, use the bathroom, or go to a doctors appointment. The lack of stimulation was catching up with me. The cloud of frustration was starting to build, and by mid week last week all emotions ran amuck and the storm began to brew.

It was the accumulation of a lot of things, actually. The helpless feeling of watching Craig go to work all day, come home tired and knowing he just wanted to relax, but instead starting in on a pan of spaghetti for dinner. The reality of the distance between my family and I being far apart as my grandma moved out of her home and into a care center...of hearing the stress in mom's voice as she was forced to face another of life's difficult choices. Not having had a doctor's appointment for 2 weeks, keeping me completely home bound and without fresh air (well, unless you count the short time I spent in front of the open patio door.) Missing seeing what goes on in the "real" world except through the eyes of the TV, Internet, or what others have told me. Lack of sleep because the very same night that baby quit punching my bladder it began thrusting up on my diaphragm, leaving me without enough air, an overly full stomach, and reflux like I have never dreamed of. And speaking of dreams, lots of them...everything from my grandma playing in a harmonica band while I was trying to teach a class on PICC line placement to a bunch of ladies at my mom's church to fairly vivid dreams about my dad. The bottom line was exhaustion. Beyond tired of limitations. So with that the tears started. And didn't stop. Not for nearly two days. Not even watching YouTube videos of babies born too early were helping me keep my motivation as they usually do.

Yet, I remained thankful that we are at a point in our lives where we can do this. I'm not laying here all wrapped up in this blanket of confusion for nothing. I am doing this for something so much more than myself. I'm doing this for our future, for our baby that is growing and kicking and thriving under my inactivity. The thought makes me smile, yet doesn't erase the frustration. It is an odd place to find ones self in when you don't want to be where you're at for one second longer, yet wouldn't do a single thing to change it. That's where I was.

On day 2 of the funk, Craig gently approached me.
"Honey, we have to do something different." and then he stepped back (and quite possibly assumed a defensive posture...I think he is scared of me.)
"What? What can I do different?"
"This weekend we're getting you out of this house."
"I can't"
"There comes a time when the health of your mind is just as important as everything else."
"Where would we go?"
"Wherever you want. You need a break."
"Target? With pizza and bread sticks from the Pizza Hut snack bar inside? Really, do you think it is ok?"
"31 weeks. There's always a risk, but we'll get you a wheelchair and just stay for a little bit."

And with that the hormonal pendulum swung 180 degrees to the other end of the spectrum. The tears were gone and I was ecstatic. The only other person who really understands and shares the reality of our situation had given me the go ahead. I had a date. With a little nervousness but even more excitement Saturday finally came. We took it very very slow and easy. I humbly rode slightly reclined in a wheelchair and warded off the stares of those who in my mind were thinking "Why does SHE need that?" We rolled through the aisles of baby stuff. Stopped and shared a small cheese pizza and 3 piece order of bread sticks. Above all, I found my smile. I was not just an incubation machine for our baby, but a real person. It felt so incredibly good.

Despite my determination not to overdo, I had just enough in me for a quick peek at Wal-Mart's baby stuff. I perused the baby section from a motorized wheelchair (there were no other ones available) while Craig chased me. Yes, it was embarrassing, but my goal was to take a break from the mundane, not to have a baby that day. We picked up a few things and some groceries. Within 2 hours from the time we left I was back on the couch fairly tired but not having felt better in a very long time.

This will not be the norm. I only have a few more weeks and have no intention of breaking the rules again. I was just at that place where the benefit outweighed the risk. I'm glad I did it, and now am back at home on the couch where I need to be until my doctor gives the green light to be up. At last week's appointment he said that as long as the next three ultrasounds looked good I can be on my feet again in about 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS people!! That is better than I had hoped for. It won't be much longer...I can do this! It is about time to reap the reward of our persistence.

I hesitate to post this because I don't want it to sound like I am complaining about our situation or that I would not do anything in the world to keep this baby safe. I am trusting that you know where my heart is in all of this without further explanation. After all, I have always claimed that it is not easy being me!

TV Commentary

2011-01-20T13:00:00.000-06:00

The last month has allowed me a LOT of time to find things to do. One of which, is TV. As a general rule, I don't turn the tube on until 4:00 to keep my mind from going into funk mode, but occasionally check out late morning/early afternoon programming for anything that I may be missing out on. These are some observations.

The best show available? Criminal Minds. Hands down. It is intense, thought provoking, a little creepy, and highly addictive.
E-Trade has the very best commercials. They need to make a few more for variety, but I love the one that starts off "Apparently, riding the dog like it is a small horse is frowned upon..." Hilarious!
I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Whatever. I wouldn't know I was pregnant either...if I hadn't been crabbier than a she-bear for the first few months (when I hadn't fallen asleep from exhaustion for no reason, anyway), puked nearly every time I thought of or used toothpaste, felt near constant pummeling from within, and if my belly hadn't started resembling a flesh colored watermelon. I don't believe it much...
The Biggest Loser is awesome, but the contestants cry entirely too often. That gets annoying.
Yesterday's episode of A Baby Story was a little irritating. The chick went on and on about how horrible 10 weeks of bedrest was. Ok, I get it. Can't really call it a party, but seriously, how many moms have been lucky enough to feel just about every one of their baby's movements. Not to mention the fact that what you did worked, and you have a healthy baby. It's about perspective, lady. I'm glad to know that this is what I need to do to keep our little one safe...therefore, I will not complain.
Man Vs. Food. A little disgusting. It used to make me nauseous, so I would avoid watching it. Now it makes me hungry. Especially for that massive burger he tried to eat the other night.
Storage Wars is pretty good. Go Jarod and Brandi go. Dave has a bad attitude, Barry is weird, and Darrell is entertaining. Just wish that the new episodes started before 10 pm.
The Cheez-It commercials are annoying. I do like Cheez-its, but the "Nacho Cheese" commercial is on my last nerve. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Craig laughs at the stupid joke every single time.
Chili's jalapeno sliders look fabulous. I am all about spicy with this pregnancy. Baby doesn't seem to mind, but keep the majority of dairy products far, far away. Strange, I know.
House Hunters has amazingly few reruns. I like that.
Nationwide has the worst commercials. They are neither funny or informative. Waste of time

I think that is the end of my opinions on TV. It is clearly overrated. What are your favorite shows?

Reality

2011-01-10T11:14:00.004-06:00

If Only. I wrote in my journal recently about how fortunate I feel to be able to have this time with this baby. All too soon life will be crazy with a newborn and I will inevitably start taking for granted some of the "little things." If only I would have known and could have had the opportunity to carry our Christopher for longer, too. Don't get me wrong. I am at peace with where things are now where he is concerned. I could never choose between this child or him, yet I realize full well that I could not have had them both. My choice has always been life. I gave him life as best I could during the brief time we had. Now it is this baby's turn. I have not and will never forget those 4 months of carrying and the sacred day and a half of holding and loving my firstborn, but choose to believe that this child's life will be enhanced by the fact that he lived, not for a second as a replacement of his being. Christopher is irreplaceable, as is Madison, as is this little one. Each has filled a different place in my heart. The scar that losing Christopher has placed there will never completely heal. At times I even wonder if it is a scar at all, but rather still a gaping wound. It seems that healing has begun and then just as a scab turns to scar in the final stage of healing, the scab is ripped off by some reminder or unresolved emotion and the wound is fresh again. Somehow in this cycle of events though, there are refreshed memories of who he was. A swelling of grief followed by a wave of peace that delivers my heart from the turmoil.

Sometimes my heart dreams the dream that is my firstborn son. I wander through images of him playing and cuddling and doing all of the things that he, had he lived, might be doing today. He would be 6 months old. Learning so much and bringing smiles to our faces. I think about how we would have just celebrated our first Christmas with him and how different our lives would be.

I can only dream in the "what-if's," for they are not our reality. The "what if's" may never be, but our reality is certain. Our reality is that our very much loved and desired Christopher has died. We can't hold him, or touch him, or make new memories with him. What remains of him are contained in a tiny urn and memories in our hearts. That is our reality, and it stinks. Reality has also informed us that that hospital room on March 10 is not where our journey to becoming a family came to an end.

The "what-ifs" have plagued me once again through this pregnancy. Listing them here would only cause me to think too much about them and re-create uncertainty. Our reality in this situation is and has been from the beginning that nearly 29 weeks ago now a living, kicking, and likely ornery little one was planted under my heart. Each day it continues to grow and get stronger, and even if he/she were born today the viability rates are 90%, but there would be significant time spent in the NICU. Our reality also is that things have stabilized since baby's escape plan was thwarted. There have been essentially no changes on the ultrasound. Praise the Lord!

I recently had my first appointment with the high risk group since discharge from the hospital. As it turns out, it is also my last appointment with them. Now that we are officially in the third trimester there is nothing more that they need to do. It is up to this body of mine to cooperate and keep this baby in for as long as possible (within reason, of course!). As tradition has it, I got lost leaving. This time while wandering through the parking garage trying to find the car. The sad part? I even convinced Craig that HE was the one who was looking in the wrong place. "NO, Honey, I am SURE we parked over here..." We didn't--he was right all along. I honestly don't know why he ever listens to me anymore, other than the fact that he is probably scared that I will have a (like it would be an isolated incident) meltdown if I thought he wasn't listening.

Nothing had changed at my appointment...good news. The doctor did tell me that at 36 weeks I could pick up my activity a little. Although that is still 7 weeks away, 7 is better than 12. Before we even left the house the morning of my appointment I was exhausted. My muscles have already lost tone and were sore from just walking down a flight of stairs and to the elevator in the office. I hope that I have a little time before baby gets here to strengthen back up a little. One of the joys, I guess. Part of my tiredness was also due, in part, to the fact that I woke up at 0430 that morning when someone decided to put a little extra pressure on my bladder again. As I returned to bed after using the bathroom I started thinking about food. We had only gotten take out once since being in the hospital and had agreed to drive through McDonald's for breakfast. I was still awake at 0630 when my alarm went off trying to decide whether I wanted a breakfast burrito or an sausage mc muffin. 2 hours of deliberation over a 99 cent item? Seriously! (I went with the Mc Muffin, by the way, which I realized actually comes on an english muffin, not a biscuit, which is what I really wanted and the whole reason it wasn't a clear winning choice from the beginning.) Mc Muffin= English muffin, Biscuit=biscuit. Should be easy to remember!

It is finally starting to settle in a little bit that we are actually going to bring a baby into our lives. Even as I type that sentence it sounds a little shocking. We have waited for this phase of life for SO long, and to know that soon we will get to see, hold, raise, and love this little one is nothing short of glorious. We cannot wait. Every night as we go to bed now Craig and I talk about how we're one day closer. Closer to not a dream, but a reality that is this, our child.

The Necessities.

2011-01-05T12:47:00.007-06:00

It has taken us a little while, but we are finally settling into a rhythm. I have identified a few things that need to be on the coffee table next to the couch to make this whole bed rest thing work. At night I make a pilgrimage to my bed taking many, but not nearly all, of them with me. Craig, in case you have forgotten, has been crazily fantastic in making sure that I have everything I need within reach before he leaves for work in the morning, during his lunch break (he comes home) and throughout the evening.

Here are the essentials:

The Water Jug. Filled. No ice. Pretty much all I drink these days is water...and I drink a LOT of it. So much so that some may even feel that I am starting to resemble a camel, only with the bump on the wrong side (that is on the belly, not the back). Milk has been upsetting my stomach, but I still try to drink it on occasion. Juices are pretty much out right now because they irritate my tongue spots, which are getting much better. Occasionally, I will have a small glass of Squirt, but water really tastes the best. I guess that is good.

The Remotes. TV, DVD, Cable, and Wii. My rule is generally no tv until mid afternoon. Otherwise, I find myself in a funk. There really isn't anything good on, and I prefer to stimulate my mind with things other than court tv and Freaky Eaters. (That show is nuts, I tell you. There was one chick who drank 37 CASES of cola per month, and another who would eat nothing but french fries--ever. Bleh!) I do indulge in a few games of Mario Kart through the day. Someday I will reach my lofty goal of placing first on the Wario's Gold Mine track. For now, I just try not to fall off of the track more than 10 times in the three laps.

Magazines. (Thanks, S!) Who knew that if you eat chocolate five or more times a week you may be 57% less likely to have coronary heart disease than people who don't? This is stuff I need to know! I also learned that it is winter outside. There were snowflakes and everything in the air today! It is toasty warm in here all curled up in my knit pants and ted hose. Those knit pants, by the way, fit just fine last week but are feeling a little snug today. Somebody is growing!

Crossword Puzzles. (Thanks, B!) Proof that my brain still does still work well...for recalling trivial information, anyway. Anyone know what a 5 letter word for "diminish" is? _BA_O.

My laptop. AKA the Green Bean. It has kept me connected and sane...although the latter is questionable.

The Phones. One charged cordless land line and my cell. What I ever do before texting? Good thing we have the unlimited data plan.

A Book. Just finished Peace Like a River by L. Enger. A good read. Took a bit to draw me in, but I enjoyed it. Now back to my good friend, Frannie. (that is Francine Rivers and I have been crushing on her books for a long time now.) Last time I went to the library I checked out 6 books, read, and returned them before they were due. This time Craig checked out two for me and I'll be calling later today to renew.

The latest ultrasound pictures. They are of a face, a foot, and a hand (I think). When boredom sets in and the days seem long they renew my focus on how far we've come and that, really, two more months of this is nothing compared to how many years of joy this child will bring. I can tell even in the last 3 weeks how much baby has grown, offering assurance that we're doing what we have to do right now. New pics next Tuesday!

The dustbuster. Things tend to get a little messy when one eats all of their meals in a reclined position. I have spent a fair amount of time dustbusting the couch, floor in front of it, and myself. I even had to dustbust my hair once. That was gross. Parmesan cheese and it was an accident, if you must know.

My Bible. The Psalms are really getting a workout these days. I need to delve deeper into another chapter, but the concentration just isn't there.

A Journal. This child will hate that book for someday, because I will pull it out when the kid is out of control naughty and inform them of every little detail of the things I have endured for their existence. =) It is fun to think about, but probably would never happen. Probably.

I think that is it for the essentials, but the other items that are currently occupying space on the coffee table are: insurance forms (gag), some thank you cards, some tortilla chips left over from Mexican take-out last night (de.lish.us), my magic mirror, a banana, a box of stale Cheez-its, a can of compressed air (I really need to clean my keyboard!), scratch paper, Christmas receipts, a basket with my pills, a few random M&M's, and a Hello Kitty watch. It's a pretty full table.

I hope this finds you all safe and warm on these chilly winter days. We are at 28 weeks now, which is a good milestone for us because the hospital that is closest to us is able to handle a premie that small. We really don't want to utilize those NICU services, but it is reassuring to know that they are there.

Until next time,
~M

2010-12-30T10:11:00.004-06:00

Dear Baby Riedel,

I am loving feeling all of your little--and not so little--kicks and movements, but would you PLEASE quit using my bladder as a pillow/punching bag. Although I am thankful for the opportunity to rise from the bed/sofa to use the restroom, I am a little afraid of what our water bill will be like and may be becoming slightly frustrated that the spasms that your antics produce result in frequent but ridiculously underestimated volumes. I also fear that you may develop a cone head if you don't move back up a little. Thank you for your cooperation...well, actually lack thereof, in this matter.

Sincerely and with much love,

Your Mother.

Things have been going well. I have now been on strict bed rest for 3 weeks and am only getting up to use the bathroom and take a 5 minute shower. Craig has been absolutely fabulous in making sure I have everything I need. He has even worked on some culinary skills and has made spaghetti, beef and noodles, and is going to attempt lasagna soon. He also made Jesus a chocolate cake with from-scratch white frosting for His birthday....after I dropped a few hints and eventually mentioned that he didn't want to tick Jesus off. Plus, he needs to practice up for making his own birthday cake next month. :) Seriously, it was probably the best chocolate cake that I have ever had. Sooo yummy.

I'm feeling pretty good for the most part. I am craving OJ and citrus fruits, but unfortunately they make painful spots on my tongue. With my inability to tolerate much salt intake it is hard for me to get enough calories at times, but I am now only 2 pounds shy of my pre-pregnancy weight. I never dreamed that I would be trying to gain weight for any reason...it has never been a problem before! Laying around does get pretty uneventful at times, but I am appreciating this season by enjoying feeling baby's movements and knowing that I would still rather be laying on the sofa bored out of my mind than watching our little one trying to get everything it needs via tubes and warmers. It's all good.

It is incredibly humbling to watch Craig do everything it takes to keep us going--without the slightest hint of complaint. He has cleaned the house from top to bottom, done the grocery shopping, done countless loads of laundry and dishes, set up the Christmas tree, made the basement not so scary with boxes and mess leftover from the move, and much more. I have decided that by the time this baby is born, Craig will have decided that either he doesn't really need me or that I am a saint for doing all of this "behind the scenes" stuff that he now realizes doesn't just do its self. As I often tear up in telling him how thankful I am that he is so wonderful, all he says is "you did it all when I was deployed...I can do it for a few months." This is true, but I think that it would have been much different if he was laying on the couch watching me do all of his work like I am doing to him. Very humbling indeed.

I haven't written much lately because I've had a lot of trouble putting my thoughts into words. I'm trying to do better, but must can't seem to make things make sense. It is hard to explain what is going on in this head of mine...there are so many confusing emotions in there and I spend a lot of my time just staring at the wall trying to sort it all out.

Thanks for all of the prayers and warm thoughts for our family. We are so blessed!

Very Random Thoughts

2010-12-18T15:16:00.008-06:00

Hospital fish is not too bad. Although as a nurse I took a solemn vow that I would never eat it, things changed when I was starved for 27 hours.
Broke my promise to not ever use "real" silverware in the hospital made after I more than once saw some disgusting non-food related uses. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Disposable is still preferred, but no longer a requirement.
I actually considered smelling Craig's breath when half of my peanut butter cookie turned up missing, but refrained when I remembered that all I have to do is dial a number and another can be delivered. Gotta love room service.
Showers are taken for granted entirely too often.
Reading online editions of Detroit area newspapers are ridiculous, as evidenced by the following headlines: "Woman accused of stealing Christmas toys for Children from K-Mart" and "36 year old mad accused of strangling mother's cat; attacking officers in standoff."
There is nothing like meds with nasty side effects, having to use alternative toileting methods, and not being allowed to eat to set priorities straight.
Chocolate chip cookies are really really good, but have nothing on the Peanut Butter ones. Of course I am only indulging in them because my baby likes them. :)
Whipped Cream makes me want to gag and Craig has consumed entirely too much of it.
Disposable shavers should be illegal. Ouch!
Some nurses are better at their jobs than others. I've been very fortunate most of the time.
When asking a generally non-shopping oriented husband to pick up a few things, be very specific and don't expect things to be as described to you.
Attention nurses/ultrasound people: Please use caution as not to allow ultrasound gel to get in my belly button. I don't know why this bothers me, but it does. Alot.
Baby Riedel may have some attention span issues. Or maybe not like ultrasounds. Or maybe both.
If you wake someone at 0600 from zombie land and ask them if they have felt fetal movement, the honest answer will probably be no. Um, I don't generally feel the baby in my sleep, which you have now interrupted. Do you know that I am not a morning person??? 6 am doesn't work for me so please try back after 10.
If you wake me earlier than necessary, I will find a way to get you back. When I got up at 0555 to use the bathroom, I nearly caused the resident who was sneaking in my room to wake me up wet her pants. Ha ha!
If you lose one's toiletries bag containing my deodorant, you can expect one to get progressively smellier as the day/week goes on. Don't blame me, you told me to leave all of my stuff in the other room and you would bring it. Now it is most likely in Ohio. (no kidding, that is what we were told!)
I have quite a few people in my life that are simply wonderful.
Craig makes me laugh. After an ultrasound I was thinking about how blessed we are when I asked him what he was thinking. His response? "They used all of the wrong combinations of metal in that wheelchair...it is going to corrode in no time. Should have at least coated it in Cadmium instead of Zinc." I love him. And then made him wash his hands after touching the actual wheel part. I know what hospital wheelchairs drive through sometimes.
A pitcher of ice water accidentally spilled in one's bed travels really fast.
I understand that hot showers are out right now, but I was hoping for something beyond frigid.
Hospital pillows could easily be confused with a paper towel in a pillowcase. Thin, small, and crunchy sounding.
Pretty sure that the nurse is not sneaking in and putting the toilet seat up, as Craig claims.
I'm going to miss the plastic grocery bag that has been dancing in the wind on the roof outside my window. It has sadly been entertaining.
Curling and styling my hair does wonders for my spirits.
There's no place like home, but we CAN live in a 10x10 room if necessary.
Cable is frustrating when there is no TV guide.
Somehow, I've lost 2 pounds this week and Craig has gained 3.
Every morning I thank God that baby stayed in its current "playpen" for another night, and every night I thank God that we've carried another day. Today I'm thanking Him for a whole extra week...

Challenged

2010-12-18T07:50:00.004-06:00

I have been challenged. We have found a nice church that fits us. The messages are down-to-earth and thought provoking. They make me want to be a better person...a better wife, daughter, mother (agh...that seems kind of scary...), and friend. The music draws me in and is refreshing. The people are friendly and there is a lot of common ground. BUT, there is one thing that I disagree with, and it happens to be a major sticking point. Baptism. Specifically infant baptism. It has compelled me to do a complete inventory of my beliefs. To know that I believe in infant baptism because that is the way I was raised and it is in my comfort zone is not enough for me. I am an analyzer and want to know WHY I believe what I believe, and what the Bible has to say about it. So, in my downtime this week, I have executed an exhaustive nternet search explaining different reasons on why or why not to baptize an infant. I can respect other people's viewpoint, and I certainly don't expect any church or organization to cater to any one person's thoughts if that is what they, as a body of believers, do not embrace as Biblically sound. However, I feel strongly convicted that God allows the types of thoughts that I have been having to either guide one in a different direction or to cause them to explore His word more thoroughly...or maybe both.

In my quest to find answers, I came across an article supported by David Feddes and the Back to God Hour that most closely aligns with my core beliefs. If you are interested in reading it, click here. I think it is fascinating and relates to all views.

The question remains, though, where do we go from here? Do we continue to attend a church that would not only decline to baptize our child, but require Craig and I to be re-baptized by immersion to qualify for membership? Is it right to attend long-term without becoming members? Do we continue to look elsewhere when we've already visited so many churches and haven't found a good fit? Is it time to expand our criteria to include churches that are over an hour away from our home? Oh my....so much to consider.

One thing that I am certain of is that we will not go with the re-baptism option. Craig and I were both baptized as infants and not only (to me) does that act serve as a seal of belongingness but a part of family heritage. These are the kinds of questions that I think my dad would have had....only he would have had an answer for me. I wish so much that we could sit down and have a talk.

I welcome any respectful feedback or discussion on this, and you can expect the same from me if you are interested in dialoging.

Thanks for checking in!
~M

P.S. Everything is going great here. No new news to report. Ultrasound on Monday and likely discharge on Tuesday. :)

The day

2010-12-16T05:54:00.007-06:00

Disclaimer: We are not intending to find out the gender of our baby. There has to be at least some unknown in all of this. For simplicity sake, and perhaps more honestly to salvage any hope of my sanity, I am not really paying attention to whether I type "his" or "her" or "it." Please don't assume I've made some big reveal inadvertently.

I have been promising many that I would be blogging, but sit down at my computer and find no words. Right now, the world still seems pretty quiet. I hear the gentle hum of my compression stockings and what I consider to be the greatest sound on earth right now...a tiny heartbeat. We're in the process of doing our twice-a-day contraction monitoring and heartbeat tracings. It makes me smile and even shake my head at times. I am not sure what we have got ourselves into. Baby lays still for just a bit, then just as I begin to get mesmerized by the sound of his heart, he brushes up against the monitor making a static noise or kicks it with a big loud thud. I even tried recording a portion of it on my computer to post here, but then he moved all together and the nurse had to come in to reposition the probe. Besides that, I couldn't figure out a way to do audio without video and I, although still strikingly beautiful, have not showered for 4 days now and have managed to lose all hair accessories but one pony tail holder that is not doing one bit of good around my wrist. To top it off, the hospital lost my toiletries bag so I have zero makeup. I don't really care how I look, but I feel significantly less than human when I have put no effort into my appearance. Hopefully soon I'll make it through some running water. With time continuing to pass I am becoming more and more convinced that we're in the right place doing the right things. As long as these near constant wiggles from within continue and the contraction monitor shows a flat line we are good.

The doctor said today that he ordered another ultrasound for Monday afternoon. As long as everything looks good with that, he will let me go home on Tuesday. Naturally part of me wants to be home now, but I know that this is the safest place for us right now. It is not too bad, really. My bed is fairly comfortable and the cable programming is decent. My only problem in the moment is that the remote for the cable is under my bed and I can't reach it. Craig stepped out for a little bit to get some fresh air, run to the library for me, and get his computer fixed so he can connect again to a secure gov't website for work. (not that he has to work, but it does give him something to do). Of course, my nurse call button is also on the remote.

In a nutshell, here is what led us to being here. I woke up in a foul mood Monday. I had slept poorly and just felt like a crab. I had two doctors appointments scheduled, with my routine bi-weekly ultrasound between. Craig drove me to the first one because the roads were horrible. Like I said, I was super grumpy and at one point actually told him (in completely unprovoked hysterics, I might add) that I wanted him to pull into the Hobby Lobby parking lot that was coming up because he was annoying me and I wanted to leave him there. (I'll have to go into more detail about why my Craig is so wonderful later...) The first appointment went great. After a quick exam I was cleared to travel back to Iowa and Nebraska for Christmas and was planning to be gone about 2 weeks. Then the ultrasound. The u/s tech and I are usually pretty chatty, and that is how things started off, except for I was a little quieter than normal because in my foul mood--I had very few good things to say so not saying much was my best option.. She put the probe on my belly and SHE stopped talking, too. Matter of fact the only thing that she asked was if I was seeing the doctor after my appointment with her and "good" when I said yes.

The doctor told me that there were some big changes on the ultrasound and wanted to do an exam herself....the same changes that caused us to lose Christoper 9 months ago. She found that I was dilated, which at this stage of pregnancy is not normal. I was having contractions, but did not know it. My doctor had placed a stitch several weeks ago that was still intact and giving us some safeguard. Within minutes I was on my way home to meet Craig so that we could get to the hospital. Once on the monitor there we were assured that everything was good with the baby, but I was still contracting quite a bit. We were admitted to Labor and Delivery. The title in its self was admittedly scary, not to mention the reminders of the events surrounding our Christopher's birth that were reminiscing in my mind as we settled in.

Let me just say at this point that which you probably already know. I would do ANYTHING at all to protect this baby, and whatever I have to do to make sure that it arrives into the world save and healthy is what will be done without hesitation. With that being said, Monday night I was started on some IV medication to stop the contractions. Within minutes I felt like I had been dipped in a vat of icy hot (minus the smell). My skin was cool to the touch but felt like I had been sitting in the sun for hours...hot and prickly. My sinuses stuffed up and I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. My mouth dried out. I was nauseous and started vomiting. The worst part of all, though, was the vision changes. I developed double vision out of EACH eye. If both eyes were open, all I could see was a scrambled mess. BUT, if I just laid still and closed my eyes I could hone in on nothing but the sound of baby's heartbeat, feel its kicks know moment by moment, then hour by hour, that it would all be ok. It has been. Now we're in day by day mode.

We am convinced that we would be in the hospital either way tonight. There are no words strong enough to express how grateful I am to be here laying in bed with baby tucked safely inside where its needs are all met than having limited time with him/her while it was in the care of NICU staff. We are blessed.

I can't necessarily explain the peace that I feel. I believe that that is the result of all of the prayers that are being lifted up for us. For that, my friends, I thank you so very much.

There is not much of a plan from here. We will continue to have monitoring done twice per day and more if there is any evidence of changes. On Monday we will have another ultrasound, and on Tuesday the docs will decide whether or not I can go home. If I am discharged I will have to return for check ups a couple times per week. Anything is fine with me as long as this baby stays in its current playpen.

Need to go for now...It has taken me ALL day to write this...a result of a brain that can't make a sentence like it used to. Will try to update soon...

Christmas

2010-12-04T18:00:00.002-06:00

The flurries of gigantic snowflakes in the air are yet another sign that Christmas is coming. A Christmas that I am not at all prepared for. I have 4 gifts stashed in a not-so-difficult-to-find hiding place, none of them wrapped. I have an idea of what to get people, but lack the motivation to go to the store to pick them up. Top it off with the advice of my doctor who says "NO SHOPPING...not even groceries" (He fears I will be on my feet too long or lift things that are too heavy) and my Christmas is forced to be viewed from a different perspective this year.

It's been good, and is just the tip of the iceberg of what I would do to bring this baby into the world safe and healthy. At first I was a little frustrated with not being able to do all of the things I wanted to do, but not anymore. I have found contentedness in quiet moments, for those are the moments that I can truly allow God to speak to my soul, and allow the importance of so many things in life to fall into place.

I have thought about the true meaning of the seasons on many a Christmas in the past, but none have affected me as profoundly as this one. Perhaps it is because I just finished Francine River's Legacy of Grace series and it has shed new light on what Mary and Joseph may have gone through on their journey to Bethlehem. Maybe it is because this is the second Christmas without Kim or my dad, which is touching on a whole new feeling of finality about their deaths. It could be because, in the back of my mind, there are those remembrances of last Christmas when we believed that this year would be the year that we would get to hold our long awaited baby in our arms. Or the thought that the baby that is now growing under my heart offers much hope of that dream for next year. Most likely, though, it is a culmination of all of these emotions. Emotions that I have had the bittersweet pleasure of exploring while living the "non-strenuous" life.

This year has exposed facets of life that I never knew existed. Grief that brings pain beyond which I think I can bear at times. Joy that far exceeds anything that I have ever celebrated. Peace beyond any blissful thought that has ever crossed my mind. Despair deeper than any agony that I have ever known. And hope. Hope far exceeding what I ever conceived possible.

About year ago I had just learned that I was pregnant with Christopher. If you would have told me then that his little life would end before he got a chance to breathe his first breath I could have never fathomed how I could possibly deal with such devastation. Sometimes, I still cannot. Acceptance has come through living it and believing with everything in me that the Jesus has had His hand upon us through it all (although I admit that at times I had to force myself to believe it). This mindset has brought an incredible sense of peace. Peace that allows me to recollect on the day Christopher was born with a sigh of contentment. Peace that affords me to recall first and foremost the joy that such a tiny little boy brought into our lives. The pain of our loss is very real, but there is peace that provides a refuge from it.

It seems so simple to me that a baby born so long ago in a stable on Christmas day continues to bring all I need today. Sometimes TOO simple for my mind to understand. My brain seems to constantly try to make it more complex as I look for "strings attached" to this gift, but none can be found. A gift that is given selflessly and abundantly. A gift that is consistently what I need and crave more of. A perfect gift from the heart...of God. And that is what I believe Christmas is all about. The gift of Jesus...the REAL meaning of Christmas.

So, maybe I'm more prepared than I thought...

Why I am Thankful.

2010-11-21T09:00:00.000-06:00

I am Thankful because:

There is a living, kicking, healthy baby being knit together under my heart.
My wonderful best friend and husband goes to work every day and then comes home to help me (or do for me) all the things that I shouldn't or can't do right now without complaint.
Our home is filled with love and often with laughter.
Francine Rivers is an incredible writer and has drawn me in not just to her novels, but to the living word of God. Her written words have compelled me to learn so much.
I don't have to worry where my next meal will come from.
I live in a country where men and women care enough to serve in the military to protect our freedoms.
I am able to take this season of my life to enjoy this pregnancy and do all I can do to ensure our baby's safety.
I have been given true and sincere frienships. Friends that have been there to celebrate joys and mourn losses and honor God through both. (sometimes all even in the same day!)
Grace. Pure and simple.
Thanksgiving is coming to us. Craig's parents will be here in less than a week and the grocery store is providing the prepared meal. Sa-Weet!
We finally found a local Mexican restaurant that compares to Los Agaves.
Our sweet Christopher Job brought refreshed purpose and meaning to our lives in the short time he was with us.
Most stores offer gift cards, which make Christmas gifts possible this year.
Our home is warm on these cool fall nights.
A new friend has come into my life and given me fresh perspective on so many things I thought I was alone in dealing with.
Our car didn't sustain too much damage when I accidently shut it in the garage door, and Craig didn't get mad when I fessed up about it. Note to self: Use parking break on the manual shift. Oops!
Craig's job (and my lack thereof) allow us to travel home for Christmas without having to hurry back to go to work.
My Maddie girl is doing great and loving her first year of Jr High...the turkey pulled straight A's! (Um? Can someone tell me how it is possible that she is in Jr. High?)
There is peace in my soul. Sometimes I have to wade through insecurities and questions to get to it, but it is always there.

This is just the start. Why are YOU thankful?

This Day

2010-11-18T14:28:00.007-06:00

This is the day that:

A co-worker of Craig's is being laid to rest and, although I didn't know him personally, I know that his family and young children loved him very much and their hearts are breaking. I'm remembering the day that we had to say goodbye to my dad and how very hard that was.

A good friend is celebrating the fact that she is pregnant but also in fear that she may have to face loss once again. I'm remembering the day that we learned I am pregnant again excited yet so filled with anxiety about whether or not we'll get to bring our baby home this time.

Another good friend is mourning the loss of her precious son and wondering what the future holds. I'm remembering the days of holding our little still Christopher and wondering where we go from there.

And this is the day that the Lord has made. I'm remembering how great it is to be filled with peace that the Lord has sent my way.

Life is so hard sometimes and many things happen that our minds just cant understand, but there is One who does hold all of our concerns in his scarred hands and will heal our hurts, calm our anxieties, and give us hope and a future...another good friend of mine.

Books

2010-11-16T11:45:00.001-06:00

These are titles of books that I have contemplating writing in my plethera of downtime. Vote on your favorite under "comments." Anyone have any other ideas?

Babies and Bladders; a study of the antogistic relationship.

Pillows. How many is too many?

Memoirs of a Once Half Decent Belly Button.

Red, Yellow, Orange, and Green; the order of natural selection for Sour Patch Kids

Yes, Dear, I Love You; What every husband of an expectant mother should know to say.

Sciatica; What a pain!

I Roll My Eyes Because I Love You; a husband's guide to understanding the body language of his pregnant wife.

Pants? Seriously? Is it really necessary to wear them to the doctor's office? What's the point?

Toothpaste: A Mama-To-Be's Worst Enemy.

My Hair! Why Does It Feel Like Straw?

Classical Music and Sugar. How to give your baby the wiggles.

Aisle 9, Lingerie and Maternity. A guide to finding maternity clothes in department stores. (Seriously, why are these two grouped together? I mean, yes, there is a potential cause and effect relationship, but....really?!?!)

Ultrasounds. A once every 2 week experience where a mom gets overly excited to see how uncooperative baby can be.

Short Term Memory. And how to deal with its absence.

Hormones. Mine are in check, what's wrong with yours?

The Pants With the Secret Panel. A woman's vow to never wear them...until she realized just how comfortable they are.

From Cool to Cow. A journey through pregnancy.

Master Bathrooms; Why they were REALLY invented.

Silverware at Six

2010-11-06T14:09:00.009-05:00

I woke up around 0600 unable to breathe through my nose and thinking about silverware. Not just any silverware, but my mom's silverware. It wasn't so much the utensils themselves as the way in which they were acquired.

It was shortly before Christmas 2008. I was in E-Ville babysitting my 4 year old niece for the day when Dad called. He knew that I had to go to Des Moines later in the day to pick up Maddie and wondered if I wanted to go early. He needed to get new glasses and get a gift for Mom. 45 minutes later I had Anna packed in the car with enough activities to keep her busy for a while and met Dad in the Wal-Mart parking lot. We took back roads all the way to Des Moines while he pointed out the borders of what used to be my grandpa's farmland and who lived where. We made small talk as he navigated me through small towns eventually leading to the vision center. Anna had fallen asleep in the car, so I waited in the car with her while Dad went on in to start the eye exam.

A few minutes later Anna woke up and we joined Dad in the store. The exam was complete and he was looking for frames. Any of you who know my dad know that he didn't necessarily just try on frames that he was perhaps interested in purchasing, but anything that would generate a laugh or make him look ridiculous. At on point, he had put his hat on crooked, removed his partial plate from his mouth, placed them in his shirt pocket, and applied some bulky black glasses. He thought it would be so fun to take those home and tell mom that this was his "new look." I just so happened to have my phone camera handy. Dad happily obliged to have his picture taken to memorialize his moment of coolness.

After selecting more appropriate frames, we headed back to the car where it was discovered that I had left my lights on. The battery was flat. Dad laughed, which he often did at the small mishaps of life. He found someone to give us a jump and we were on our way to the mall for lunch and a little shopping. The silverware caught Dad's eye and he selected a set he liked for Mom for Christmas. We took Anna to Build-A-Bear, picked up Maddie and headed for home.

Oh what I wouldn't do for another day like that with my dad. A day to just talk about whatever came to mind and spend time together. Little did I know that that would be the last time we would take to have a spontaneous outing. More or less that our last Christmas together was just around the corner. In those days it seemed like we still had forever. The thought of him not being around for a long time yet had never even crossed my mind.

As the holidays approach again this year I challenge myself to make moments count. Moments that may seem insignificant at the time--something as simple as silverware shopping--may all be reduced to memories all too soon when those we love are no longer with us. It's one of the many things I have learned through this painful journey of loss. Sometimes I wonder how long missing him will hurt. Maybe forever. It is what I do with this still hurting still longing heart that makes the difference between honoring him and bearing a burden, and I only hope that I can continue to find ways that it can be a vessel of change to form a more appreciative, more attentive, more loving me.

Which way?

2010-10-28T17:44:00.004-05:00

I told a friend the other day that I think someone may have opened my skull, removed my brain, and dumped a can of chicken soup in its place. Craig has stopped me mid sentence a few times to tell me that I had already told him something that I thought I was telling him for the first time. I cannot begin to accompany Craig to the grocery store without a list, and I have forgotten for days on end to return a phone call. I think what I miss most, though, is my sense of direction.

I don't leave the house alone too much except to go to doctor appointments. Three times lately I have gotten lost. Add this to the fact that I have been to each of these offices several times and it becomes embarrassing. A few weeks ago I was on my way home from seeing my MFS doctor (Maternal Fetal Specialist). There are exactly 5 turns involved in this trip. I was pretty confident that I could get home without the GPS (Bonnie), so she stayed off. After driving a reasonable distance I realized that none of my surroundings looked familiar. Hmmm. I drove on a little farther until there was a familiar road sign. Gratiot Road. What?!?! I had traveled a good 5 miles past where a turn needed to be made. Lucky for me, Bonnie warmed up quickly and got me home, though a little confused.

Fast forward one month to last Monday. Another appointment at MFS. Craig had taken my car that day, therefore, no GPS. That's ok, I could do this! I made it there with absolutely no problem. On the way home, I decided to stop at Sam's Club for a pretzel. Not a problem, it was right along the way. I got my snack and was back on the road when it started raining. Determined not to miss my turn, I paid close attention to the street signs...for a little while. Again, things weren't looking familiar. Neither were the street names, but then again some of them have more than one name. When I got to an area where there were many people loitering on the street and most of the houses were sporting boarded up windows, I decided to break down and call Craig. Sure I could probably retrace my steps to Sam's, but I really had no idea how I got here, so also couldn't be sure that I was still on the same road.

"Um, Craig, I need your help. I'm lost."

"Again??? (giggle giggle) "Where are you?"

It always cracks me up when he asks that. If I KNEW, I wouldn't be LOST! "Intersection of John R and 8 Mile."

"WHAT?!? Why are you there. You need to get out of there."

Um, I was trying. Thus the phone call to him. "How?"

Directions ensued that were so complicated I had to write them down on my pretzel wrapper. Nearly an hour later I pulled into the driveway, haven driven an extra thirty miles. Oops. Yes, next time I would be sure to take Bonnie. That night on the news it was reported that some trouble had brewed during the day on John R and 7 Mile....just 1 mile from where I stopped to call Craig.

Today I went to see my regular doctor. I knew I was in trouble when I got lost and had to do 3 U-turns to get out of our subdivision. I know very well how to get there, but road construction and traffic congestion led me astray. Once again I found myself on unfamiliar roads, but I recovered and found my way. Woe is me.

Round 2: Neighbor meeting

2010-10-27T10:58:00.006-05:00

Today as I made my pilgrimage to the mailbox again our neighbor's wife (who, coincidently, is also our neighbor) was out in the driveway. I politely waved and retrieved my mail. As we made our way to the "meeting tree" that joins our properties I once again realized that I looked like a mess. This time I was wearing the only OTHER pair of pants that I vowed would never leave the house...black capris showing off my ridiculously long leg hair (seriously, who shaves their legs during pants season when they don't have a doctor's appointment and their husband is out of town?), an old newly-too-small T-shirt, fuzzy socks, and slippers. Luckily the wind was blowing like mad so it may be ok that my hair looked like I just got off of a roller coaster, and not a drop of make up. Do you know how many days I have gotten dressed up and done my hair and makeup before going to the mailbox after the last incident? Nearly EVERY DAY since. After all, it usually is my big outing for the day! Go figure.

Anyway, I have found that our neighbors are VERY nice (and not at all openly judgemental!). She even chased my mail all over our lawns when I accidentally forgot that I was holding it. It is not easy being me!

New Favs

2010-10-24T19:04:00.004-05:00

These are a few of my favorite things (in random order):

Sour Patch Kids. My new candy of choice. So yummy.
Chips and Salsa.
Soup, Salad, and Bead sticks. Many days it is Olive Garden or bust.
Our new sofa. Incredibly comfortable.
Stealing Craig's pillow after he leaves for work in the morning.
Francine Rivers' books. Currently on #3 this week.
Our whirlpool tub. Soooo relaxing.
My husband. He is wonderful in case you didn't know. In case you do know, I'll say it again. Wonderful I am telling you.
Jet Dry liquid drying agent. Our dishes never looked so clean...and I've put some pretty nasty stuff in the dishwasher.
Farkle on facebook. It's not been a good farkling week, but it's all good.
Elastic waistbands. See ya in April, zippers!
Bella Bands.
Good family memories.
Fall weather.
Gravy. Disgusting but delicious.
Hearing baby's heartbeat. It is the most beautiful sound on earth right now.
Pickled Beets.
Texting.
Whole wheat toast with butter and strawberry jam.
Journaling.
Sunday afternoon naps. Today got a little out of control, but it felt good!
Blooming plants. My houseplants must love their new home.
Tim Horton's "Timbits." This is reserved as a Saturday-only morning treat.
Craig's job. I love it when he comes home smiling because he's had a great day.
My new iron. I protested the need at first, but really don't mind using it now because it works so well.
Friends and family that have kept me sane during this transition.
Green Bean Casserole. (hamburger, green beans, cream of mushroom soup, and tater tots...true comfort food and delicious!)
The toaster oven. I use it for nearly every meal.
Natural light. Our old house didn't have much of it and this one does. Makes me smile.
Feeling baby when it has the wiggles.
God's gifts of Grace and peace.
Family Reunions.
Pictures.
My Maddie girl. Miss her so much!
Nights out with my love. Especially when a good movie is involved.
KFC coleslaw.
Tenderloins
Down comforters
Our home
Big Macs. However, I NEVER eat a whole one in one setting. I do have limits.
Stretchy cotton pants. I've never liked them before but with this ever growing belly, I am loving them now!
Doctor appointments. I get to get out of the house AND get reassured that everything is going well.
Carrots with ranch dip.
Main floor laundry.

I realize that a lot of my love list includes food. That is because I am in this awkward stage of food cravings and aversions. It is getting a little better, but I still struggle to get enough calories. I spend an unhealthy amount of time trying to come up with things that are palatable yet good for baby and I. This whole losing instead of gaining weight thing is a whole new concept for me. Pretty sure that that will all change soon though.

Beyond Donuts

2010-10-23T20:00:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow we're going to church #7 on our church shopping list that really isn't a list at all, but more of a collective remembrance of churches we've driven by and want to visit. This has by far been the most difficult part of our move. It is SO hard to find a church. Sometimes I feel like we have not even come close to finding what we're looking for. Other times I feel like maybe I'm just over analyzing.

We've been to several places that have things we like about them. The donut church was pretty awesome with having had a donut break right before the message. Beyond the donuts, though, I just wasn't feeling it. I was a little bothered by the way the pastor rephrased the scriptures instead of just reading them as they are. Then there was the repetitive church. The worship songs were meaningful, but singing the chorus over and over and over again distracts me and makes me wonder "does this song ever have an ending?" My legs were getting so tired from standing for 45 minutes of straight worship. Don't get me wrong...I'm all for worship, but not when it feels forced and becomes so long that I am physically exhausted. Finally there was the "Welcome to X Church, we have a job for you" church. As we walked in and found seats all eyes were on us. The message was good, but within 2 minutes of the service ending Craig was asked to help move tables. The reason? The congregation had miraculously and instantaneously changed into work out shorts and were preparing for an exercise class that started in precisely 10 minutes. That was just plain strange. As we made our way to the car (the only "foreign" car in any lot around here, mind you) we just looked at each other and shook our heads, wondering what had just happened.

Along the way, though, we have collected some nice gifts. A couple of coffee mugs, some hot chocolate, biscotti, animal crackers, fruit snacks, devotionals. There are upsides.

Still, it is hard to feel settled without having a church home. A place where you can find common ground with people and form relationships. I am so yearning for that right now. Yearning for that "ahhh, I'm at home..." feeling. My time out of the house is so limited and I just need to connect and make it count.

In time, in time, in time I keep telling myself. We can really only go to one service per week, so obviously it is going to take a while to visit all the ones on "the list." (which doesn't seem to have an end, by the way!) There are two so far that we want to go back to for second visits...and 2 more on the the list. Hopefully soon we'll find "the one" that will quench my thirsty soul and become a home. Maybe tomorrow will be the day, but regardless, it will be good to go to worship.

OK, so here is a small update. Instead of checking out another different church today, we re-visited one that was on our "possible" list. It was refreshing, and even though the message went long, we both felt fed afterwards. And they had cookies today. BONUS!! We may just go back there, but need to re-visit one other to see if it makes the yea or nay list. Thank you, God, for filling us with what we needed that today and giving us some things to think about this week!

Only at the Fair

2010-10-20T09:37:00.001-05:00

You know you may be pregnant at the fair when:

You pass by booth after booth of fried food on a stick and the only thing that sounds remotely tempting is a Sprite.
You cry when the Cowgirl Queen is crowned and does her final salute. Who cries (besides me) when someone rides a horse?
You can much easier spend an afternoon in an air conditioned camper playing solitaire and watching a movie than scouring the fairgrounds for free stuff. It's FREE for crying out loud!
Your feet feel like they're boiling from the inside out.
The only events that sound tempting are held in the air conditioned buildings.
A corndog, which has been a fair must have for the last 30 years, sounds repulsive. That is probably good, though, because you're not really supposed to have hot dogs when you're expecting according to the literature.
The only food items that consistently sound blissful are ramen noodles and cantaloupe.
You hurl yourself from booth to booth looking only for paper fans. Free, of course.
You cry when the big bull is weighed in.
Skin moisture changes make it virtually impossible to scrub off your tattoo passes from the last 3 days of the fair. I am sporting a hot dog, state of Iowa outline, and a blue ribbon as I type.
When going from place to place you carefully refer to the maps of bathrooms everywhere in between.
You take a 1/2 hour nap for every 2 hours spent walking.
You barely refrain from completely going bezerk on the guy who tells you good morning and that his neighbors lost their house in a flood when you're walking to the shower house.

Public tooth brushing is an embarrassment. Toothpaste induces gagging which induces puking.
Someone eating a turkey drumstick makes you nauseous when it used to make you hungry.
You simply cannot breathe through your nose when wandering through a barn where any animal could be taking up temporary residence.
You have invented solitaire version of every game you can find in the camper.

Now here it is nearly 3 months later and I would LOVE some fair food. Funnel cake, cheese curds, gizmo, tater ribbons, but especially a turkey drumstick. Sadly, all that my refrigerator has to offer is some vegetable beef stew or leftover lasagna. Once again I find myself wanting what I don't have...

Ghetto Chicken

2010-10-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

Food consumes a lot of my thoughts. It used to be "how can I avoid chocolate today?" and things along those lines, but now it is all about "How can I get enough calories today when absolutely nothing in the world sounds good?" I have lost weight again with this pregnancy. So far, I have only gained one pound of it back. The only thing that sounds consistently good is Olive Garden's Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks. The last time we went I ate the entire bowl of lettuce myself...it was that good.
Yesterday I got a hankering for KFC. We happened to be out for a drive when we spied one along the road and I asked Craig to stop. I won't identify our exact location, but I will say that I would never go there alone or at night. We pulled into the drive through lane and waited for our order to be taken. There was never a response and there was a car behind us. "Maybe the speaker is broken," Craig mumbled under his breath after a few minutes of waiting. We pulled on ahead to the window where we could see only one lady working. At this point we opted to park the car and go inside.
On our way in we happened to notice a SUV that was parked next to us. There were 3 kids staring at us from the cabin and a lady standing in the back with the hatch open. She was sorting through oodles and oodles of canvas bags that filled the rear hatch. Two KFC employees were next to her and watching intently. At first I thought that maybe she had ordered a whole boatload of Chicken and the KFC people were helping her to her car, but quickly realized that she was peddling perfumes and lotions. It was shady to say the least, but that would not stand between me and my extra crispy chicken drumstick kid's meal.
The restaurant was among the strangest I have ever seen. This was no open concept double-decker KFC like the ones in Hayes, Kansas. This was more like a bank. There was a 3/4" pane of glass between the cashier, chicken, and us. We placed our order through the microphone and slid our payment through the slot on the counter as the people before us received their food through the double doored contraption at the end of the glass panel. I took a few minutes to look around. The place was clean and the floor freshly mopped, but there wasn't a thing in there that wasn't bolted down. No ketchup packets, no napkins, no nothing. It was like Fort Knox. That was the most protected fried chicken I have ever seen. No one, and I mean NO ONE was getting near it without official KFC credentials.
By the time we got our food we were more than ready to be gone from there. The service was friendly enough, but the atmosphere looked like it could have doubled as a booking station in the evenings. (Not that I know from personal experience, for the record.) On our way back to the car we were met by one of the employees with her arms full of perfumes in fancy bottles.
The 15+ mile drive back home was filled with conversation of all we had just seen. The kids meal was good and tasted very fresh, but I doubt we'll be eating at fort Knox Fried Chicken again any time soon. It is amazing what a different life some people live either by choice or necessity. We are so blessed.

The Letter

2010-10-11T19:30:00.000-05:00

Dear Family and Friends, October, 2010

Since the holidays get so crazy and our letters never seem to make it out until late (if at all), I thought I’d take the time now to update you all on a few of the happenings in our life.

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” Matthew 5:4
The turn of the calendar into 2010 brought a time of reflection on 2009. It was a tough year. Twice we found ourselves mourning the loss of loved ones. Even through the fog of sadness we feel so blessed. We may not have been given the many years we would have liked to have with Kim and my dad, but we were given some wonderful memories, a steadfast godly heritage, and a challenge to carry on their legacies in a way that would bring honor to their memories and to God.

“I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
We carried into 2010 two truths that we knew would change our lives. First was that sometime over the summer Craig’s job would be moving to eastern Michigan, and second was that we were expecting a baby around the same time as his new job would be starting. The thought of a move was somewhat welcome. I had been beginning to feel quite unsettled in my job--the stress of my work had begun to take its toll. I was ready for a change, but unsure what approach to take. Craig was stoked about the excitement of entering a new phase in his career. The idea of becoming parents was exciting and an answer to prayer. We couldn’t wait. We did our best to allow our doubts and insecurities over the changes to be turned to trust and faith that God would work out all the details. He did…but not at all by our plans. We were reminded that God tends to do things His own way and in His own time.

The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." Job 1:21
In March Craig was attending a training session in Alabama when I spontaneously went into labor at 17 weeks. Craig immediately planned for the next flight home, but wouldn’t be able to get there until noon the following day. What took place over the next 24 hours changed everything. We learned that, although the labor had stopped and I had not yet delivered, there was little chance that the baby would survive. We were praying like we had never prayed before. Late in the evening the heartbeat remained strong and I felt a strong movement. It would be the last. After Craig arrived home the next day, March 10th our son, Christopher Job, was born silent and still.

“Some people only dream of angels. We held one in our arms” --Unknown
Our dreams were shattered and hearts were broken, but yet we were filled with peace. The way things had all played out was profoundly sad but nothing short of beautiful. The hospital and our pastors helped us to deal with this difficult blow and inspired us to embrace our son’s life and come to terms with his death in a way that left no regrets. We will never forget those precious moments with our firstborn and reflect on them often. Holding someone so tiny, perfect, beautiful, and peaceful created a feeling of deep joy that would carry us through the valley of the shadow of death once again.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecc 3:1
With all things considered, we opted to move earlier than scheduled. In April we spent 10 days in Michigan to explore what would be our new area. To our surprise we also found and fell in love with a house, made an offer and entered contract. Our Iowa house was on the market within 3 hours of returning home. I went back to work and the rest of the summer was a whirlwind of activity trying to tie up all of the loose ends.

In June, I quit my job and began working for Bard Access Systems as a consultant. It was a great change for me and I loved the aspect of teaching nurses all over the state how to place Picc lines. With my training complete, this was also something that I could do once we had moved, which eased a lot of stress for me to have contacts already set up in Michigan.

“Children a reward from Him.” Psalm 127:3
Madison was with us for the month of July. She enjoyed a youth group work trip to Waupon, WI and was a great help in our move. As always, we enjoyed our time with her. This summer Craig and I realized that she is not a little girl anymore. Her cell phone was never far away, and she is beginning to see things with more maturity. We treasure our time with her and always wish we could have more. My niece, Brooke, joined us in Michigan for a while, too which was nice for all of us. We were able to take in a Detroit Tigers game at Comerica Park on a beautiful evening which we all really enjoyed.

“In Christ Alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength my song. This Cornerstone, this Solid ground, Firm through the fiercest drought and storm”
--Newsboys
Late July brought devastation when we learned that my cousin Brandon died after being struck by lightening while climbing in the Grand Tetons. Once again we found ourselves walking through the valley. We made a brief trip back to Iowa for the funeral. It was heart wrenching to feel death separate us from another loved one seemingly taken all too soon, but there was also a great blessing in being able to spend time with family and share in the burden of the grief with others who share in the hope that this is not where the journey ends.

God is always working to make His children aware of a dream that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream, a new dream that when realized will release a new song, sung with tears, till God wipes them away and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts --Larry Crabb
This has become one of my favorite quotes. July also brought tears of joy as we learned that a new song of joy was indeed forming among our shattered dreams. We are pregnant again! This was a cause of very cautious celebration. With our minds still replaying fresh images of greeting our Christopher into the world and giving him back to heaven we found that it became difficult to fully embrace the excitement. It was as if part of me was saying “If you don’t believe it, it won’t hurt if something bad happens.” All of that changed when I saw the tiny flicker of a heartbeat on that ultrasound at six weeks. I fell head over heels in love—and became scared to death.
Everything is going great. I am at 15 weeks now and feeling very good. We found a great team of doctors who are right on track with following the latest research to prevent a recurrence of March’s events. (Yes, I have done my homework and have read more medical journal research articles than you could imagine!). I meet with my regular doctor biweekly for ultrasounds and the high risk specialist once a month now. I have also been placed on modified bed rest for at least another three weeks. It is wonderful to have some down time, but I am really itching to get out and get stuff done. I will not be going back to work until after the baby is born in late March...and won’t be working much at that. Craig has been wonderfully supportive through my insecurities as I nervously analyze every little ache and pain. We are so blessed.

Our most treasured family heirlooms are our sweet family memories.--Unknown
August brought the much anticipated once-every-three year Nieuwsma family reunion. As always, it was a wonderful time of sharing and reconnecting with my dad’s siblings and my cousins. There were 84 of us there with only two plus Grandma that weren’t able to make it. I feel like I spent the entire time bawling. I missed my dad even more than usual during those days and was already drowning in emotion from the pregnancy and a few extra hormones that the doctor had prescribed. Now you all know why I could barely finish a sentence without a tissue.

We are loving our new home. There are still a few more things that we need to do to be completely settled, but it has been a good move for us this far. A little hectic, but good.
Our guest room(s) are open for visitors anytime anyone is in the Detroit area!

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for you I pray with Joy.
--Phil 1:3-4
Finally, we would like to thank you all for all of the warm thoughts, cards, notes, and especially prayers as we’ve dealt with the ups and downs of life. If there is one thing alone that we have learned it is that true peace in difficult circumstances can only come from one source…Jesus. It is such a blessing to be a part such a wonderful community of family and friends. May you find yourself blessed and healthy through the remainder of the year and into the next.

Love to all,
Craig, Missy, and Madison.

First Impressions

2010-10-06T09:10:00.003-05:00

So yesterday I ventured out to the mailbox. There is nothing unusual about that. As I gathered coupons--YEAH!!--and no bills --bigger yeah--from the cast iron receptacle I noticed that our neighbor was out working in his driveway. I haven't actually met the neighbors yet, so I thought it would be a nice gesture to introduce myself.
It was at this point that I realized exactly what I must look like. I had showered...which quite honestly was a step up from the day before...but a quick glance at my outfit revealed a nightmarish scene. A very baggy sweatshirt, even baggier purple pants which, at the time I bought them more than 10 years ago, vowed would never ever under any circumstances exit the door of our house, and flip flops. I hadn't applied a drop of makeup and was crowned with a very fuzzy in-my-face hairstyle.
"Hi, I don't think that I ever introduced myself, I'm Melissa...."
He was very nice and we talked for a few minutes, but I'm sure he was thinking "What kind of freak...?"
When I got back to the house a quick glance in the mirror confirmed that, yep, it really was that bad. Oh well, first impressions are overrated anyway.
Maybe I should start looking for a job... ;)

One of these days....

2010-10-04T19:34:00.002-05:00

One of these days something that I write will actually make it to posting status. Since our move, I have come down with a severe case of attention deficit. I cannot sit down, write an entry, and focus on it long enough to finish my thoughts. Sad, really.

I am also working on some other writing projects and journaling, so that has given me my writing fix for a bit. However, I can't let my blog go. I think about it a lot of the time, but there's only so many times that I can write "Today I did the very same thing that I did yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that..." before I bore even myself.

Here are the highlights of what's what since our move.

I have been reading a ton. After dad died, I really couldn't get into a storyline on a book, but have now completed 8 books in the last 2 weeks. Maybe it is nerdy, but I enjoy it.

Work. I am not working right now. Not for Bard, not for a hospital, nothing. There are several factors and I will not go there now, but I have definitely used some of the down time to reflect on everything we've been dealt in the last year and find myself in all of it. I wouldn't want it any other way. More about work later.... My big thing now is saving money since I'm not making money. To date I have saved us from having to pay over $2,000 in insurance errors related to our medical treatments from before we moved. GO ME!! I've also become obsessed with checking investments to see if there were any gains on a particular day. It is crazy (and I believe unhealthy) how much value I was placing on my paychecks...and now that I don't have them, I am more at ease with everything. Strange how that works.

Our "Christmas Letter" will come early this year. It is a work in progress.

We are settled. I think. Upstairs is finished for sure. I haven't even been up there for about a month now. That is crazy...I'm sure that there is a plenty thick layer of dust. Note to self: take a broom next time you brave the steps.

The downstairs is not really finished but not really a work in progress anymore either. My wonderful husband built several storage shelves to hold all of our junk. Some day I need to go through those totes and either get rid of stuff or pack it better. It looks like I'm getting ready for a garage sale.

I like to think that the main level is done, but that is just silly. We still need to get a bedroom set, but are debating between a king or queen size bed. There is plenty of space for a king, but we just bought a new queen mattress not too long ago and love it, so that throws a monkey wrench in things. Basically, we just haven't found a bedroom set that we love yet, so that makes a big difference, too. We did buy a sofa, loveseat, 3 end tables, a coffee table, wall mount t.v. and another leather recliner so the family room has taken shape. Everything fit pretty cozy, and the only thing that we need yet in there is a small entertainment cabinet and an area rug.

Finally, there is the dining room. We have been in cahoots about this room since we moved in. The problem is, it is a perfect dining room, but the kitchen also has an area that is large enough to accomodate a dining room set. Currently we have 2 oversized chairs in the space in the kitchen, but are considering moving them to the formal dining and having it be a music room with sitting area. The downside is there is a breakfast nook in one area of the kitchen and we'll probably put barstools at the counter...so how many eating areas does one need in a given space. So confusing and overwhelming, so we don't do anything.

When we bought the house there were weeds in the yard taller than me. Craig has now (with a significant amount of help from TrueGreen) got the yard under control. The grass had been over watered and was dead and the landscaping was all overgrown, but things are really taking shape now. (We bought the house from an investor who did the bare minimum to maintain the property from the time we put our offer in to the time we closed.)

We've really enjoyed our new neighborhood and community. It is slowly starting to feel like home. We have visited at least 5 different churches, but have still not found the right fit. There is one that we really like, but it is a little jaunt to get there, so we are continuing to look for something a little closer to home. We trust that God will reveal it to us when we find the right one.

I think that is it and that is enough. I'll post the "Christmas Letter" soon after I get it sent to family first.

Thanks for checking in!

One year later

2010-09-12T06:55:00.000-05:00

The fact of the matter is, I miss him. I miss my dad every single day. Every day since September 12, 2009...a whole year ago now...I have in some way felt the impact of my dad's death. Some days it makes me feel very very sad. Other days, I feel indifferent. Some days I even feel an inexplicable joy. Joy that he doesn't have to suffer the hurts of this world and gets to bask in the glory of God. Every day, though, I wish that that stupid tractor would have kept its wheels on the ground and we could have had more time to make memories for the future.

I just cannot believe that a year has passed. So much has changed in our lives. We've moved 600 miles farther from "home." We've celebrated the joy of becoming parents and given our tiny miracle back to heaven. We've all had another birthday and made the rounds of holidays. We've laid a dear cousin to rest. We had a wonderful family reunion, and have done many of the same things that we've always done with Dad--like camping at the fair and going to Branson. So many changes that I wonder sometimes if Dad would even know us anymore. I am reminded, though, that change is a part of life and he would be adapting to all of these changes along with us if he were still here. Therefore, the change does not necessarily represent a movement farther away from the time that he lived, but life its self. Life does go on...as much as we want to pause it indefinitely to the time he was here, time keeps marching forward. For a while my world seemed to stand still as I dealt with the shock and sheer horror of our loss, but now the world seems to be revolving at a quicker than ever pace as the loss continues hitting me in new and different ways.

One thing that people assume is that you're going to go through some stages of grief in an organized fashion. Like you'll just wake up some day and realize that you have moved on to the next stage. So far from true. I still have days where I honestly feel shocked that my dad has died. I still have days that I am angry, and I still have days where I've accepted all this--but there is no rhyme or reason. Is it because we have had a series of losses instead of just one, or (perhaps more likely) because I don't deal with things in the normal way? I don't know. I don't have the answers and maybe I never will, but I do know for a fact that I never never never could have predicted that losing a parent or anyone that is that close to me would have affected every single facet of my life and change not only the way I respond to things, but the way I actually think.

To say that thinking of my dad's life only in a past tense has resulted in nothing good is untrue. Lots of good things have happened that I probably would not appreciate as much have taken place since he's been gone. (This is not to say in any way that I don't wish with everything in me that the accident never happened). My dad's death has helped me cope with the loss of our son on so many levels. It is comforting to me to know that Dad is with our little boy...that our son is not there all alone. I have been blessed to be able to recall some conversations that Dad and I shared that I haven't really thought about much since they originally occurred. I have found a sense a peace that I have never known before regarding my own life and salvation, and I know that they are all a part of my dad's legacy.

On the other hand, the hurt is so deep and the pain is so raw sometimes. Especially when I think that my children, besides Madison, will never know their grandpa. That they'll never have the chance to walk with him in the pasture to see the spring calves or take a ride in the farm equipment. They'll never know his laugh or his gentle spirit. That is heartbreaking to me. Sure, we'll tell them stories and show them pictures, but it is not the same.

I am determined to allow my daddy's seemingly untimely death to make me a better person. I will not allow his death to make me bitter or full of self pity. That is so far from the way he raised me and would be a direct contradiction to the legacy that he intended to leave. I have already seen some of the ways that it has made me a better person. I am more patient. I am able to see with more clarity the good in things instead of the bad. I am able to identify those things that are more important in life like health, family, and good friends rather than careers and cash flow. I can now see things from other's point of view more than ever before. I can see the light instead of the darkness, and I can give and receive love in a more meaningful way. I hope that some of these qualities remind others through me the kind of person that my dad was. There is nothing I can do to bring him back, but I can certainly change things in my life to reflect his best qualities, and in some small way that heals this hole in my heart just a little. A hole in my heart that will probably never close completely, but is filled to the brim with love for others--Just like my dad's was.

Gardenburger Bliss

2010-08-27T18:39:00.005-05:00

When we were living in the Quad Cities one of my very favorite places to eat was Arthur's Garden Deli in Rock Island. They have very good deli sandwiches, Quiche, and baked potatoes (seriously, tell me how you can screw up a baked potato, though!), but my very favorite was the Gardenburger. Oh the Gardenburger. It was a warm patty of rolled oats and rice with many unidentifiable vegetables smothered in provolone cheese with finely shredded iceberg lettuce, onion, tomato, Hellman's Mayo, and, of course, their signature seasonings on a fresh wheat bun. I am not a vegetarian, but do happen to really like vegetables. Add in the fact that lunch meats only work for me in small portions due to excessive sodium content and the Gardenburger is an awesome, yummy low sodium AND low fat--(bonus!) alternative. Don't be mistaken, though, it is nothing like a boca burger or other meatless "burgers."

The problem with this love affair was my moving to Michigan. I mentioned to Craig just yesterday that I was considering calling Arthur's to see if this was something that they made themselves or if it was a product that could be purchased in bulk, but was not supported in my efforts by my veggie hating hubby. Actually, he laughed at me and said "whatever." It no longer seemed like a good idea.

All things changed tonight when we went to National Coney for dinner. Craig had a hankering for a coney dog and as I perused the menu I discovered that they offered a Gardenburger. I tried not to get my hopes up but when my food arrived I nearly kissed the waitress. It was the same patty, but was clearly prepared differently. Grilled, no cheese, and sesame seed bun. Coney also served it with a side of horseradish-like junk that was certain to spoil the treat and a big hunk of lettuce and not-so-fresh tomatoes. It was so D-Lish. Yes that is a capital D. So exciting. Not quite as good as Arthur's, but I suspect that if I got a Gardenburger at Coney to go, took it home, and doctored it a little I could get pretty close. Can't wait to try.

Now, if only I could find a suitable substitute for AE Skim Chocolate Milk, Kitchen Cooked Cheese Kurls, Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew, Los Agaves, Pizza and Subs, Osaka, and Grinders this place might just be OK.

Misc

2010-08-15T09:24:00.004-05:00

Another awkward moment in my life. I find myself as a recluse in a dark corner of the laundry mat curiously scanning the room for quarters that have tucked under the corner of a machine somewhere. There are none. Laundry became #1 priority this morning as I realized that my last clean outfit was worn two days ago. You can rationalize a lot at the fair. I can always find someone smellier, dirtier, and sweatier then me--making it OK to wait just one more day for laundry. Then the unthinkable happens. I stop at the restroom to--well--what else do you stop at the restroom for? I carefully set my shower bag on the back of the toilet because there is no way I'm putting it on the floor and there are no hooks. I finish emptying my bladder for the 3rd time already this morning and flush. Then out of nowhere, my last pair of clean underwear makes an appearance in the toilet. I am thrown into an instant dilemma. To retrieve or not to retrieve? Time is of the essence. I will not get my fingers wet because I do have standards, you know. I must act quickly. Turning my head to the side I make a dive for it. Success. Now what? I stand there holding my dripping item in my hand contemplating my next move. The trash or the towel? Towel wins and I'm off to the laundry mat. It is not easy being me.

It has been a week since I have seen my Craig. 11 nights since I have slept in my own bed. If I weren't scheduled to work in Iowa a few days this week I'd leave right now. It is not that I am not having a good time with my family or at the fair, but more that I just feel so unsettled. 5 consecutive nights is as long as I have spent at home since we moved. I know that I will return to a house decorated with packing paper, cardboard boxes, and miscellaneous household items strewn about. I know that it will be in desperate need of a good cleaning. Yet, I long for the rhythm of daily life that I have only truly felt when at home.

More than anything, I feel thankful. How many people wander through life never feeling a rhythm? Just living day to day and having a constant feeling of unsettledness (if that is even a word). At least I know that the day will come soon when I can quit living out of the trunk of my car and be home with my husband and that peace within will find me once again.

Dixie Bunny

2010-08-04T18:35:00.004-05:00

Oops. I didn't mean to forget this on my last post. It was an honest mistake. One other significant thing that has happened in our lives is the loss of our sweet pet rabbit, Dixie. We knew that the day was coming because there is nothing too promising about a 9 year old rabbit with a 6 year life span, but it is sad to see her go none the less. The timing of it all is still a bit crazy to me. In anticipation of our move we spent a lot of time trying to decide what the most humane thing to do with her was with our options being 1. move her with us, 2. Give her to a rabbit santuary (there is such a place, I checked). 3. Have her humanely put down, 4. Leave her in our Davenport house as a gift to the new homeowners, and 5. Try to find her a new home.

As time marched on, no suitible adoptors applied, and our move date rapidly approached we began to feel more and more convicted that we had chosen her as our pet (along with her sister who we had to put down after an encounter with a puppy that was a little too playful), and we needed to be with her until her time was up. So, we carefully considered how to best transport her so she'd have to spend the least amount of time possible cooped up in the pet taxi.

At the new house, Craig dutifully spent an evening building a rabbit run in the garage to be moved to the basement and upon completion learned that a 4x8 sheet of plywood will NOT fit down our basement stairs, which incidentally led to our first disagreement in our new home. Dixie ended up living in the garage, but the weather had been mild and she seemed to like it there....until the day I came home on an already bad day and found her with her head on crooked and breathing funny. No lie. It was crooked and I knew that she was near the end. Although I thought she looked rather comfortable Craig and Maddie thought we should take her to the vet so I started making phone calls.

The first conversation went something like this:

"Yes, um, Hello. I have an elderly rabbit that doesn't seem to be doing too well. We just moved and she was fine but now is not moving much and her head is on crooked."
"Ok, what is her name?"
"My name?"
"No, the pet's name"
"Dixie"
"Thank you. Now what doesn't seem right about her?"
"Um, she's not moving much and her head is on crooked."
"Hmmm. What time can you bring your dog in?"
"I don't have a dog. This is a rabbit."
"Oh, I'm sorry, we don't have a rabbit vet available until Friday (2 days away), would you like to make an appointment?"
"No thanks, I don't think that she will make it that long."

Vet's office #2 answered the phone as the something to the tune of "Exotic Pet Specialists." I knew that they were going to be pricy, but what do you do, so I made an appointment for 45 minutes later then returned to the garage and found my little punkin seizing. Seriously? Have you ever seen a rabbit seize? Let me just say that it is an experience. Sigh. Within a very short time she was gone. It was a very sad afternoon at our house. We buried her in the back yard when Craig got home. Unfortunately, this was one of the first times our neighbors observed us outside as a family. Now they think we're strange I'm sure.

While being pet-less was kind of strange at first, we have decided that it is kind of nice. We can plan to be gone from home without concerns of how she'll get fed or how bad she'll smell when we get home. No plans for any new pets anytime soon.

No Masterpiece today

2010-08-04T10:33:00.003-05:00

I really really really need to blog. There is so much I want to write about. So many thoughts swirling around in my head that I want to put into words...or try to anyway. I have sat down with my laptop and started so many entries that it is ridiculous. Often I feel that for something to be published it has to be some sort of masterpiece. It doesn't, I know--and often isn't for that matter--but I still feel like nothing is worth publishing. Therefore, I am just going to do a brief synopsis of the last few weeks.

Internet. We finally have internet again. For the last few weeks in the QCA our internet was very sporadic and often inaccessible. I realized just how much I use online services for everything from checking movie listings to news to weather, but most of all social networking. How I missed my e-mail, facebook, and blogging.
Moving. Sigh. I never want to move again. Most of the boxes are unpacked, but we moved into a much larger house, so there is so much that still needs to be done. We have a mismatched recliner, loveseat, and beanbag chair functioning as our living room furniture at the moment. Our only hooked up tv is an old 19 incher as we try to decide whether to go with a wall mount above the fireplace or one on an entertainment center in the corner. Both have their advantages, disadvantages, and price tags. My goal for each day is to keep the kitchen clean. It is the only room that is completely done, but a constant struggle to keep from becoming a junk heap for other works in progress.
Kids. Madison has been with us most of the summer and my niece, Brooke, came back with us last week after a quick trip to Iowa. It is wonderful to spend time with them, but also makes me feel very guilty. I want to just play, go for walks, and do fun things with them, but there is so much that needs to be done around the house that I can't devote all of my attention to them. That is hard and they've been quite the troopers, but I still feel bad for not being much fun. Last night we did take them to a Detroit Tigers game, though, which they both seemed to really enjoy, and tonight we're staying in a hotel with a pool on our way back to Iowa once again.
Traveling. Oh my. I am so sick of being in the car it is not funny. Last week I spent 40 hours in the car in 4 days. I was so glad to be at each destination and was glad to go to all of the places that I went, but am really not looking forward to another drive back to Iowa.
Family time. Yeah. Last week I was able to have some really nice family time together with my Dad's side of the family. The occasion was tragic--the funeral of my 21 year old cousin, Brandon, who was fatally injured in a hiking accident in the Grand Tetons--but it was so good to all be together. My heart is so broken for my aunt, uncle, and cousins who lost their son and brother so young and suddenly, but was also so refreshed by their faith that God is walking along side of them in the valley that they have found themselves in. Once again, God is good to us even when life hurts--which it has certainly done its share of lately. The sense of loss is overwhelming again as I consider all that has happened in the last year. Unbelievable.
More family time. This weekend is the once-every-three-years reunion for the Nieuwsmas. I am sure that there is a word for that, but I don't know it. I am so looking forward to reconnecting with aunts, uncles, and cousins that I haven't seen for a while. There is nothing that compares to our family time of sharing and Sunday morning worship together. I can't wait.
Missing my peeps. Since I have kept so busy in the house since the move I really haven't taken the opportunity to meet the neighbors too much or connect with the community. This makes me really yearn to just have lunch with a good friend. It has been so hard being away from our church family in the QCA as well as my close friends. I did have a treat last Sunday, though, and got to spend a little time with my friend Mary, when we both happened to be out of town in the same town. That was a blessing to me.
Work. I really need to get started on my job hunt here. I did get my Michigan nursing license and just need to get back to a few contacts, but honestly don't feel ready to start back into career mode yet. Hopefully soon. In the meantime, I am still picking up hours in Iowa when I am there.

That's enough for now. I'm thinking it would be best to fix some lunch and get on the road. Have a great day and safe travels to all.

Thanks for listening,

Status

2010-07-16T22:27:00.004-05:00

This will be short. I am so unbelievably tired. Most of our earthly possessions are crammed inside a too-small moving truck being driven somewhere in the Midwest by an incredibly smelly guy. I am sure that it is not his fault and it is likely that he showered this morning, but that was before spending the day in the 90 degree heat making hundreds (or do I mean thousands?) of trips in and out of that stuffy truck.

Let me just say that I would never never never want to work for a moving company. Those guys are powerhouses. I would not have survived going up and down the stairs that many times empty handed, but they were moving appliances and furniture like it was made of styrofoam. Amazing. To top it off they were pleasant and even funny.

The only thing left in our house is a random assortment of toiletries for Sunday morning's showers, non-shippables and Dixie bun. We're spending the night tonight at my mom's and will pick up Maddie tomorrow evening. Our plan is to have a slumber party on the floor of our Iowa house before leaving at a ridiculously early hour on Sunday morning to start our new adventure.

I stand in awe and amazement how well all of the things that have needed to happen have fallen in place. I shouldn't be surprised...God has been orchestrating this all along, but just can't believe that everything is done. Our house has still not sold, but the government buyout offer is acceptable and will be executed next weekend if there is still no activity. Thank you, Lord!

Part of me is so sad to leave behind so many good things in the QCA, but I just KNOW that this is going to be a good move for our family. There are still a lot of unknowns, but it is exciting to see God's plan for this phase of our lives unfolding around us. Exciting and exhausting. Actually, at this very moment the thing that sounds most exciting is my head hitting the pillow. Watching movers work has taken its toll and I must rest...Goodnite for now. Hopefully we'll get our new internet package set up in the next few days, but for a bit things will be pretty sporadic.

Hope summer is treating you all well....
~M

Chaos

2010-07-11T22:07:00.004-05:00

The sound of light traffic fills the otherwise still night air. Our faces are illuminated by the steady glow of our laptop screens as we indulge on Panera's free Wi-Fi service. Craig and I haven't spoken in several minutes--we're both engrossed in checking our e-mail. Every now and then I peek at his screen to see where his precious internet time has taken him. It's no surprise that he is now exploring options on how to invest my roll-over money from my 403AB while I write intense nonsense on my blog.
It is sad to think that this is part of who we have become. Our internet has been sporadic at home for 2 months now and has not worked at all in the last 2 weeks. We kept thinking that it would get better but it never did (even after a few service calls). Now we are 3 days away from having all of our belongings packed and shipped halfway across the country. We need to check the weather, e-mail for work opportunities and schedule changes for me, last minute on-line orders, reserve a hotel room for our trip out on Saturday night.
Things have been so incredibly chaotic the last few weeks. Maddie has been with us, which has been awesome, but also created a need for some advanced planning, which hasn't been my forte lately. Each day and week we would make some sort of general plan and then spend the rest of the week modifying it to squeeze in everything that needed to get done.
Here is a sample of our lives last week:
Monday Early AM. Craig leaves the IA to go to MI for what we think will be 4 days. Maddie is planning to spending some time with Grandma Chris and my sister's family for a few days. I try to line up work appointments and reconstruct some order to our house.
Monday Late AM. I learn that Craig now has an appointment in IA on Wednesday morning that can not be rescheduled. Gingerly I pick up the phone, dial his digits, and tell him the news. Before he even reports to work he is trying to make arrangements to leave early on Tuesday to get home for his 8 AM Wednesday meeting.
Tuesday AM. I leave to go to my Mom's with a consultant from a local long-term care insurance agent to discuss a potential policy. I had agreed to do this a LONG time ago before I realized how crazy everything was going to get. I also needed to get a swimsuit to my Maddie girl.
Tuesday Afternoon. Craig leaves MI to return to IA after having been there for less than 24 hours. This is a 8 hour drive we're talking about. Ugh.
Wednesday pre-dawn. Craig arrives home we start a quick load of laundry and then head off to bed catching about 4 hours of sleep before it is time to rise again.
Wednesday AM. Craig makes his appointment and at noon departs again for MI. I take a nap. I did feel a little guilty, but got over it.
Wednesday Evening. Craig arrives at our Michigan house safely. He was making great time with no road construction delays until (no kidding) he just passed the exit before the exit you take for our house. He sat for an hour and was not happy.
Thursday AM. I drive 3 hrs to Marshalltown, work until late afternoon, and then head to my mom's to get Maddie.
Thursday PM. Craig works at the new house getting a few things ready for us to arrive with all of our belongings while I decide that I'm not doing any more driving that day. Maddie and I stay put at mom's for the night--staying up way too late playing a punch-drunk game of Phase 10 with cards sticky from a Sunny-D spill.
Friday Afternoon. Maddie and I head back to the QC while Craig also begins his journey back to Iowa.
Saturday morning. We all wake up in the same house wondering where in the heck the week went and feeling a little exhausted. However, the to-do list still required ordering Maddie's new bed and we had to do a little shopping around. Sooo....Off to Chicago we went to go to Ikea. It was a long 2 hr drive, but at least we were all together and laughing at all the crazy things that have happened in the last few days, as well as praying an extra prayer of thanks for safety with all of the travels.
Saturday afternoon. Return from Chicago land, get caught up on laundry, and go to bed early.
Sunday Morning. Worship in the park. Beautiful. Maddie and Craig decided to bike there, but as luck would have it some dirty bird had too many blueberries for breakfast and Craig passed under him at an unfortunate time. We had to just laugh at the irony of it all.
Sunday Afternoon. We had an Open House (no, still not much activity), went to see Dispicable Me (awesome...), and packed up a few collectables.
Sunday Evening. Drive Maddie to our meeting spot an hour and a half away so that she could spend a week with her mom.
This week's agenda? Meeting on Monday, move the storage shed stuff home to the garage, work on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday, roll over investments, disconnect services, supervise the movers on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, pick up Maddie on Saturday, and leave for Michigan. We'll then be there for a week before returning to the QCA for 3 weeks for our jobs.
Whew. It's been a ride, but I am finding myself not only thankful for a wonderful family that can pull together and get all this done, but for a Great Great God that allows me to rest peacefully each night and gives me the strength to face whatever comes my way in the morning.
Thanks for checking in,
~M

Traveling plants

2010-07-05T21:41:00.005-05:00

I miss my plants. Last night Craig and I loaded up my mom's van with all of the things that the movers could not move and things that we did not want them to move. We decided to start with the plants. I purposely did not water them this weekend so that they would not leak during travel. After we got three of them to our staging area in the garage Craig asked "Is that it?"
*Sigh*
Some days I wonder if we live in the same house (well, actually we kind of don't right now, but you know what I mean...). I gave him a brief tutorial of the watering techniques that each of them seem to prefer as well as a slight plead to please please PLEASE not let them die before returning inside and gathering the remaining 10 or so plants that also needed to be packed.
The house seemed so lifeless this morning when I got up and went downstairs. I am beginning to realize that I am completely more attatached to my plants than may be healthy. I love them. All of them. They all have sentimental value. Take Mary Jane Schefflera, for example. She was a gift when my dad died. Upon bringing her home she promptly dropped all but 8 of her leaves and turned brown. I held on to her for a while and was just about ready to part with her when Christopher was born. When I came home from the hospital I found that she had a new bloom starting. She's a keeper now.
They all have a story.
When Craig called to say that he had arrived in Macomb today I asked promptly about the condition of my plants and if they had been watered. "They're fine" and "no" was all I got. I just hope I won't be arriving in 2 weeks to find some brown stumps.

Father's Day

2010-06-20T16:24:00.007-05:00

I'm pretty sure that if my dad were still with us on this Father's Day this picture shows how he might like to spend it...Napping in his chair with one of his granddaughters cuddled on his lap.

Oh, Dad, I miss you so much. I'm sure that spending just one moment in Heaven is so much greater than any Father's Day that you experienced here. When I am feeling sad I try to think about how happy you must be. That brings a little comfort but the hole that your absence created in our lives feels like it will never heal. Part of me doesn't even want it to, because if the hurt starts to go away it would be in part because time has passed, and if time has passed that means that it has been longer since I've seen you. It has already been so long in some ways, but in others it seems like just yesterday.

They say that you never really appreciate something or someone until they're gone, and I regret that that is true to an extent in my relationship with you. I am learning to try to break that pattern, though, and make the most of each moment--not taking people or things for granted because all too soon life may change just like it did for us.

I am grateful for the legacy that you have left that lives on in those of us were blessed enough to know you well and be touched by your love. I don't know how I would have gotten through this last year without the deep rooted faith that you instilled and encouraged in me. Faith that allows me to have knowledge through Christ that nine months ago when you died it was not the end of hope, but the beginning of Glory where we'll meet again.

The things I really want you to know on this day, your first Father's Day in Heaven are that you are loved and missed and even in death are the greatest father that a girl could ever hope for.

Loving you always,

Mis

P.S. Give my little guy a little extra spoiling and tell him that his daddy and I are really missing him today, too! :)

2010-06-14T11:03:00.002-05:00

I really should be working on my Beth Moore Bible Study, but instead am watching the wildlife in our back yard. at 11 a.m. there is a deer standing right by my deck. There is a squirrel chomping on the budding fruit in the pear tree, there are birds everywhere, but perhaps most entertaining is this little chipmunk that keeps peeking in the window at me. I am going to miss this house. A lot. It is amazing how much more you appreciate something when your time left with it is limited.
Last weekend my mom, Craig's mom, and I drove out to Michigan to see Craig. We had a very nice weekend. We spent a lot of time at the new house measuring and checking things over. We did some shopping and some site seeing. It was a lot of fun. Now I am filled once again with the feeling of wanting to be in more than one place. I want to combine parts of my world and have Craig and our new house in the same area as our friends, family, and church. I'm not thinking I'll get what I want.
Today we have another showing at our Iowa house. My gut feeling is that we're getting pretty close to selling. We'll see if that feeling pans out or if it just there to confuse me.
Tomorrow I will start a new job. I have accepted a position with Bard Access Systems as a preceptor. This will give me some hours in this area for the time that I am still here and transfer with me to Michigan when I move for good. My main role will be to hold classes for new PICC line nurses and teach insertion techniques. I will also assist in Port-A-Cath education. It should be a very good opportunity for me. Just this morning I spoke with the Bard rep in the Detroit area and he thinks he may know of a hospital that needs a part time PICC nurse. Hopefully it will all fall into place.
Due to some really disappointing circumstances I will no longer pick up hours at Trinity after Friday. Since I am not one to burn bridges I won't go into details in this setting, but I am walking away knowing that it is the right thing for me at this time in my life. It will feel so good to not have to deal with the situations that have created so much stress, but is still saddens me to be reminded that people aren't always truly who they present themselves to be. Enough said.
For the life of me I can't figure out how next weekend will play out. I have to be in Michigan on Thursday afternoon for our closing, (I think my mom will go with me) Maddie is leaving on Thursday morning to go to on a church work trip in Wisconsin, we have to get the whole new house cleaned and ready to move into (it won't be too easy) Maddie will need to be picked up in the Quad Cities Sunday at noon, have the house ready for an open house, and be completely ready for the moving truck which will be here on Wednesday while also having our house ready to show at any time in between. Anybody wanna trade schedules?
OK, so I really need to get some stuff done so that's it for now.

A day in the life of a stressed out former princess.

2010-06-08T23:38:00.003-05:00

I probably should be getting ready for bed, but am thinking that tonight will probably just be a repeat of the majority of the last few weeks, anyway, (where I can sleep very little) so I'll blog instead.
This week has been ridiculous. I was at a point on Monday where I finally started telling people close to me that I honestly could not handle one more thing that was even remotely stressful so please don't tell me anything that will add to my overflowing cup. It seemed that everything had come to a head. Here is what I was dealt in one of the worst Monday mornings of my life:

I realized that my job would be ending before I had intended (more about that later, but not tonight).
I learned that the buy-out plan for our Iowa house would require us to vacate immediately instead of within 30 days as previously planned.
We were unsure whether the lender would allow us to close on our Michigan house before the buy-out plan was executed on the Iowa end and many phone calls to the lender were not returned.
We learned that we had a lousy turnout for our open house on Sunday.
Our Iowa realtor wanted to set up a private showing the next day and the lawn needed to be mowed, but it had been raining for the last 12 hours with no end in sight. He also told us that the couple that saw our house on Saturday was very interested...good...but still stressful because no offer yet!
I continued a battle with an insurance company that I started on Friday.
I was working a 10 hr shift and had a patient that was so large that the PICC line could not be seen via conventional X-ray, resulting in some creative thinking in my befuddled brain.

I think that is it. When everything comes to a head and life is overwhelming I have found that my resilience anymore is nil. It just seems to be too much for one person at one time. Furthermore, when things are so crazy around me the wounds of losing my dad and Christopher come instantly to the surface. And I miss my husband. I need my rock here with me!

As life has me (only at times) unable to capture what I need to do next I realize that the words to "Everything Falls" are playing in the back of my mind again...When everything falls apart His arms hold me together....When my strength is gone...He holds me mighty and strong...Love that song. Thanks again, Molly!

Today was a better day. A LOT of stuff got straightened out. I had a great talk over lunch with a good friend. I voted. I received a couple of meaningful notes from friends. Yep. His arms not only held me together, but somehow brought the peace that had been robbed yesterday back to my soul. Where would I be without those nail scarred hands?

This weekend I am getting away! Not thinking about selling a house, work, or anything else that I can avoid. My mom, mother-in-law, and I are going to Michigan to spend the weekend with Craig and to take measurements of the new house for blinds, where to put the piano, etc. Fun things. I only have to get through the work day and mow the lawn---hopefully. Yippee.

A little closer...

2010-05-30T21:58:00.006-05:00

Oh me Oh my. So much going on right now and not a lot of time or energy to blog. I'll try to hit the highlights. I haven't posted anything for a while partly because our internet has been very sporatic and I've lost many drafts and partly because I have not been able to focus enough to write well. Here's a peek into what we've been up to.

The House. Selling a house is no fun. No fun at all, I tell you! Do you know how hard it is to have a house ready to show anytime? We've had few serious lookers, but no offers yet. The good news is that we got our buy-out offer and it is acceptable. We're still hoping to sell on our own, but at least know at this point that we can set a move date and closing date for our new house. In the mean time, we have been working like dogs this weekend. The helicopter seeds did thier annual pilgrimage from our neighbor's tree to our yard. I was lucky enough to get to spend quite a while pulling all of the little saplings out of my flowerbeds, landscaping, sidewalk cracks and perimeter of the deck. I won't miss that tree...or our sycamore tree. I'm pretty sure that Zaccheus chose the sycamore to climb because its leaves fall off if you even look at it funny, which would give him an excellent view of Jesus, although the trees in my childhood Sunday School literature of the story showed trees with leaves. Hmmm. Not OUR sycamore tree, though, it dumped all of its leaves last week and is working on brewing a fresh batch for the fall. That will not be our problem, thank goodness. We also mowed, trimmed, replaced a window sill, and powerwashed nearly everything we own. I think it now screams "PLEASE BUY ME."

The Jobs. Craig started his new job last week and seems to like it. He thinks it is funny and is excited to report that his office has a nice view of Lake St. Clair while his boss' office is across from the bathroom and overlooks the parking lot. (however, it is a lot larger). My job is going ok. My boss is going to offer my position to someone this week and, if the person is who I think it is, the training is going to be a party. I've also secured a couple of leads for jobs in the Detroit area and have accepted a preceptorship with Bard Access Systems where I will do hands on training for new PICC nurses. We'll see what pans out with everything. This week I am hoping to get my Michigan nursing license and am disappointed to learn that the FBI that does fingerprinting in Illinois does not suffice to provide the FBI office in Michigan with my prints. I guess in this case "Federal" really means "state." I suspect that it is just the governing bodies of nursing trying (and succeeding) to skim a little more cash out of me.

The Rest of things. Hmmm. I've got nothing. Honestly though, I am glad! My stress level has been in the red zone for a little too long. I am completely exhausted and growing sicker by the day of juggling all of the unknowns. Craig has totally been my rock through all of the tough stuff and is now in Michigan full time. Talking on the phone just isn't the same and it seems that when I am home alone in this quiet house my mind runs wild with questions and bittersweet memories...especially at night. This transition stage is a tough place to be and I am just thankful that soon the house stuff will be done, the "new" jobs will become somewhat routine, and that I'll fall asleep each night under the same roof as my husband. Each day gets us a little closer....

My red face.

2010-05-15T22:05:00.003-05:00

It has just been one embarrassing thing after another this weekend. I have come to realize that all of the stress we have been under has caused me to become a little forgetful.
Yesterday I was spending some time with my mom in Des Moines. My car had received a good old mud bath while picking her up on the farm, so after I dropped mom off I decided to visit the car wash. Usually I'd just pick the automatic option, but I really wanted to get all of the mud from around the wheel wells, so I went with the manual wash. First step: Bug and Tar remover--check. Second Step: High Pressure Soap in mud caked areas--Check. Third step: High Pressure soap along Passenger side--check. Step four: High pressure soap on Driver's side--OOPS! It was at that point that I realized that my rear windows were down and that my back seat was midway through the soap cycle. That is a sickening feeling. Similar to the time I went through the automatic car wash with my trunk open after grocery shopping. I should really be more careful at car washes.

Shortly after drying my back seat as well as possible with my dust cloth my phone rang. It was our realtor. "Um, I know it is short notice, but someone would like to see your house in about an hour...would that be OK?" I mentally started to walk through each room. Did I put everything away? I had spent the previous evening with my mom and Craig had been home alone, so I thought it best to check with him before giving the realtor the go-ahead. No answer on his cell, office or blackberry lines. Hmmm. I guess we'd have to wing it. I told our realtor the situation and he said he'd run over to the house and do a quick run through. Perfect!?!? He called back to tell me that he had put some papers from our relocation company on top of the microwave and had made our bed. How embarrassing. Who has their real estate agent make their bed and tidy up their house? Evidently me. To top it off when I got home I remembered that I had a load of undergarments hanging up to dry in the basement. I'm not expecting an offer from those people and am wondering if they refer to our home as the one with the underwear on display. Nice. Way to go, me!

Today we went to a friend's wedding. I've never been to a wedding at an Anglican church before. It was intriguing and I was really glad that we went, although I found myself very red faced while there. Most people know that I like to pull a prank every now and then, but not Craig. Today he got me back two fold for any time I've ever pulled a fast one on him. Here's how it went down. Everything about this wedding was a little bit different than the traditions that I am used to. The minister announced how they would serve communion, but his accent was so strong I couldn't make a bit of sense of it (plus my hearing is super bad right now because of my meniere's). I whispered to Craig that I had no clue what I was supposed to do. He told me what to do, but otherwise just to watch the person ahead of me. Lo and behold guess who was the first person in our group to be in line for communion. Yep, yours truly. There, standing in front of all the wedding guests waiting for a place to kneel was me. During this ceremony 12 people were on the altar for communion at a time. OK, I can do this. I found a place and kneeled then waited for Craig to take a place next to me. He didn't. Oh no...what did I do? I got up and went to take the place next to him, but another couple took the place I was heading to. Ok. I'll just stay here. Right here. Just like this. The bread was passed. Craig had told me to hold it in my hand until all were served but whoa...just like that the wine chalice was there and the girl next to me didn't have her bread anymore. In 17+ years of taking communion I have never returned to my seat with the bread still in my hand, but tonight I did. That may be illegal so shhh, don't tell. Craig was laughing at me. I tried to convince myself that maybe nobody else noticed. They did. Another friend thanked me for the entertainment. It was quite embarrassing.

That's it. I'm going to bed so that tomorrow I can be on top of my game. No more occasions for a red face here...I hope!

2010-05-10T21:24:00.002-05:00

This was a very confusing Mother's Day for me. In the last year I have come to appreciate my mother in many new ways. I am so proud of the way that she has handled my dad's death. She has poured herself into taking care of the farm and making so many tough decisions that I'm sure that dad would be honored to have as his legacy. She's worked so hard, and hurt so much, and stayed so strong. My mama is one tough cookie, but even tough cookies crumble sometimes. She takes time to grieve, but still lives life as it has always been. It will never--it could never--be the same without my dad, but I am SO thankful that God gave me the parents that He did. They're awesome and I love them both so very much.

Aside from being thankful for my mama and my mother-in-law, this mother's day took on a whole new meaning. It was a painful reminder once again for me of our loss. In the days leading up to yesterday I got to the place where I missed my baby so much that I couldn't even begin to say his name without my eyes welling with tears. I stepped back from anything social. I couldn't bear the thought of facing the day without my son. That hole in my heart feels like it will never heal. I spent the day trying to stay off the radar screen. Not feeling like I could truly engage in worship, I did not go to church. I only left the house for a couple of hours to go on a nice long bike ride with Craig. We laughed and talked and shared sweet memories of our son. Not at all the Mother's day that I had hoped for, but still meaningful, although intensely painful.

This morning I was in a great mood. The anxiety that had been building up in anticipation of yesterday finally seemed to be gone. Maybe that is why I was caught so off guard when what turned out to be one of the most uncomfortable moments in the last 2 months went down. I was sitting at a nurse's station charting on a procedure that I had just finished when a nurse near me, who just happens to be pregnant and not any too happy about it, was complaining about how her growing belly was just embarrassing and in the way. She has no clue on how blessed she is. The jealous side of me was just thinking "I would give ANYTHING to have my baby be in my way right now!" My thoughts were interrupted when another nurse (who I see infrequently) asked her when her due date was ("not soon enough, but September 13") and all of the other courtesy questions that pregnant women get asked. Then all eyes were on me when the nurse asked me if I was showing yet. There were at least 7 people staring at me. My cheeks got warm. Tears welled in my eyes. I whispered across the table that we lost our baby, and everyone inhaled simultaneously before scattering. That's what people do when they're uncomfortable...they run. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable, but what am I supposed to do? I couldn't focus enough to write a note like hundreds I've written before in my patient's chart. I finally gave up, gathered my things, and went back to the office for a few minutes. I am SO glad I don't have a shared office.

Some days I just want to be 10 years from now where time has (hopefully) eased the hurt. Some days I don't want another moment to pass, because each moment is an increment longer since I've seen that tiny little face or held that itty bitty hand. If only I could go back in time to two months ago today when I could hold Christopher for as long as I wanted.

Life is chaotic right now...we've got so much going on with the houses, moving, work, applying for a new job, and just trying to get it all figured out. One thing is for sure though and that is that God is good all the time and all of what seems chaotic to me is perfectly orchestrated and waiting for time to reveal His perfect plan.

No more, Critter, no more!

2010-04-29T21:49:00.003-05:00

Dear Raccoon?/Dog?/Deer?/Moose?/Bear? (I'm not really sure which),

I am writing in response to your recent deposits behind my rhododendron bush. I was recently pulling weeds near the bush when my nostrils were greeted with a foul aroma. This fragrance was determined to be from your poo. I would like to remind you that I have never made such a deposit behind your home unless perhaps you live deep in the woods off of a hiking trail in Colorado--and for the record it was an emergency! I do apologize if that is the case. However, that only happened once. There have been at least three occasions that you have utilized our new mulch as your dumping ground and although I am not an expert none of your visits appeared to be emergent.

While I do realize that you may encounter some difficulty in finding an area that provides for your apparent need for privacy as well as behind our lush leafy plant, I strongly recommend exploring some new options perhaps near the creek or behind the neighbor's house. Continuing to poo behind our bush will not be tolerated. I am unsure at this point exactly how we will stop you, but be aware that increased surveillance will be in effect.

In case you are not aware, we are currently trying to sell our home and your contributions to our landscaping plan were neither approved or welcomed. Potential buyers will likely not be impressed by either the smell or appearance of your gift(s). Furthermore, if I attempt to remove your masterpieces I am quite certain that it will result in a significant amount of vomit which will also likely not be on the buyer's wish list. It would be very much appreciated if you would do the right thing and relocate your excrement.

Finally, I would like to briefly address your eating habits. I am not sure what you are ingesting and have not intention of trying to figure it out, but I strongly suggest that you try a little less fiber and natural foods that are significantly less smelly.

Thank you for your prompt attention and cooperation in this matter,

~M, a disturbed and, frankly, sickened homeowner.

10 days of my life

2010-04-29T10:11:00.008-05:00

So many drafts, so few posts! Things have been crazy lately. Let me just say that selling a house is not so much fun!! In the last 10 days we have:

Had an inspection on our new home while we were still in Michigan. It passed. There are a few things that the seller is going to fix, but the rest is small potatoes and fairly inexpensive. I love that house and after spending a little more time there it is really feeling "homey."
Learned that I am really not adept at flying or understanding airports in general. I asked Craig to let me do all the thinking and finding where in the airport we needed to be on the way home. When I joined the crowd that was Toronto bound he intervened and led me to the correct gate. Once, just once, I want to outsmart him. We flew out of Detroit last Wednesday and put our current home on the market that evening. Anyone need a house???
Spent a day sulking and feeling completely and profoundly sorry for myself.
Gathered the last of the things that I could collect from our time with Christopher :( and checked on the status of a custom made box that a carpenter is making for us to put our tangible memories in. :)
Poured over pictures of my dad's headstone. It is finally set and is beautiful, but really brings a sense of finality to our time with him. I don't like that feeling AT ALL!
Worked 4 days. Bittersweet. It is good to be back, but have found that the stress of my job gets to me in a whole new way. I'm not nearly as patient as I used to be and nearly karate chopped the lady who spit continuously in my direction for 30 minutes. I did have a few minor breakdowns, but overall am glad to be back--kind of.
Had an open house with good turnout. 2 families said that they wanted to return with their realtor.
Left Craig at a neighbors as they incessantly compared their home (which is for sale) with ours. He came home 15 minutes later looking rather traumatized. Sorry, Honey. I couldn't take it anymore and had to "oops" return home to get my phone!
Had breakfast with a friend and dinner with a different friend on the same day. I (heart) days like that!
Stalked my house as our realtor hosted an open house for other realtors. It wasn't intentional, but I was having lunch with my neighbor and had a clear, inconspicuous, view. It is weird feeling when strangers are walking into and out of your house.
Facilitated a 0730 house inspection at our Iowa house. (Thanks, Craig!). Do you know that I don't care much for mornings?
Had a great appointment with my favorite doctor.
Attempted to make a work schedule. Do you know how hard that is to do when your entire future seems to be up in the air?
Have cleaned ridiculously. Is someone really going to look under my bed? Well, now they can because it is very tidy there...and everywhere else!
Took some silk flowers to my dad's grave and inspected the headstone for myself. I laughed initially when a bird had pooped on my sister's name, but then was disgusted by it as I scrubbed it off.
Checked out my newest mooing siblings. There are 5 now and 2 more on the way. The are so cute, but we look nothing alike.
Took a single, beautiful silk yellow rose to my grandpa's grave that is across the road from my dad's.
Shopped for new living room furniture...just to get some ideas.
Got the brake recall fixed on the Corolla. I guess there is another recall coming, but I still love my car.
Agreed to another open house this Sunday.
Had lunch with two neighbor ladies. One is in her 80's, the other in her 70's. It was hilarious as they discussed how "young people" these days use their computers for everything. They knew about facebook, google, and even blogs, but "would never do anything like that!" I smiled and was rather quiet. ;)
Assisted in interviewing my replacement at work. I think that the interviewee (is that a word?) would work out well.

That is why there are unreturned messages and e-mails that have not been responded to. I want to get there--and will--but for now I need to tidy up my house again! Grrr...

The blanket.

2010-04-22T22:45:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I called the OB clinic to obtain a release to return to work and see if they had acquired a blanket like the one Christopher was cradled in that they had said they would get for me. Today I drug my feet all morning before forcing myself to go pick them up.
I can't explain what that place does to me. Even as I drove into the parking lot it was all so surreal. They gave me the things that I needed, as well as what I have learned to refer to as the "sympathy stare." This is when you just know that people want to say something to acknowledge your loss, but they don't know what to say so they just stare at you or even sometimes (but not today) say something completely off of the wall like "I lost 10 pens last week," which I know happens--I am guilty, too. They were very nice at the office, just very quiet after they learned that I was the one that was there for the blanket.
The last time I went there was not so pleasant. It was 2 weeks after our loss and I had a check up. As I sat in the waiting room I became very aware of everyone around me. One gal was staring in awe at her newly acquired ultrasound pictures. Another couple entered dressed to the 9's with their young son. The man stepped out of the waiting room to accept a phone call while the obviously pregnant mom headed for the restroom, leaving the little boy there with (I assume) his grandma who constantly begged him to sit still and be quiet while she read her magazine. Then the teenage girl walked through the door smelling of smoke with her belly bulging; the look in her face screaming that she had a million places that she'd rather be. There I sat. So empty and missing the excitement that I had felt every time I had been there before. I was grateful that Craig had come along. By the time I got to the exam room and my awesome midwife came in I was losing it. I couldn't even say anything when she asked what we had named our son. The harder I tried to compose myself the faster my tears fell. I wanted more than anything to erase the time between my last visit and then. I wanted another chance to carry my son; to dream, to hope, to feel him there. I eventually did pull myself together and got some answers to some questions that I'd had. As I left that day there was a lingering feeling that life had shorted me. It was completely unfair that my son was gone and that my dream for this child had ended. Why me? What was the plan in all of this?
I can't say that is a feeling I've had a lot in the 4 weeks since then, but sometimes it really bothers me when it happens. So many of our plans for this phase in our lives revolved around this baby joining our family, and each time one of those plans unfolds in a different way than what we had dreamed it is a reminder that life has changed.
Today I have struggled with those feelings again. I think it is partly from receiving the blanket...the last thing that I can collect that reminds us of time spent with Christopher, and I'm sure that a lot of it is because we're facing so much change. We are in contract for our house in Michigan and put our Iowa house on the market last night. I am going back to work on Saturday and wonder what work will entail for me once we move. Recent appointments have led us to a place where we will have to make some decisions. My dad's headstone was set yesterday bringing a new sense of finality to his death. I am overwhelmed with change to the point that at times this life that I'm living doesn't seem like mine at all. I still feel a deep sense of peace most of the time, but sometimes my mind produces questions a little faster than my soul finds peace.
Someday, some way, some how, sometime, this will somewhat make more sense to me. I can't wait until that day. Until then, I'm just thanking God that there are many more days where I'm feeling pretty good than days like this. It's amazing how seeing and holding one little blanket can trigger so much.

Life in the Hampton Suite.

2010-04-20T11:50:00.002-05:00

Living in a hotel, even if only for a week, has revealed some ups and downs about the realities of life. There are good things and not so good things. Overall I have decided that there is no place like home. The tricky part? I currently have two homes and there are 450 miles between them. Being in the Hampton Suite relieves me from any sense of responsibility from either house...kind of. Here's the list...
PRO: Breakfast. I don't like to make breakfast because it interferes with my attempt to deny that it is morning. I don't like mornings at all. It is wonderful to be able to go down to the lobby and see what tasty breakfast pastries are fresh that day, as well as the hot items, orange juice, and coffee. My favorite? Sausage patty, banana with peanut butter, and OJ. Sum it up with a decaf 2-2-2 and morning isn't so bad. (Decaf 2-2-2= decaf with 2 splendas, 2 creamers, and 2 ice cubes)
CON: Bad cable coverage. We've watched more news broadcasting this week than in the last 5 years combined. I think that I now know everything that is going on in the world, including more than enough of the erupting volcano in Iceland that has put the UK flight schedules on hold. My advice? Take a boat.
PRO: No cleaning!! WoooHooo! The only thing better than not having to dust, vacuum, and clean the bathroom is knowing that all I have to do is push a button and someone will do all of the above for me. After last week's big clean of our current house I don't care to ever hold a can of Pledge again. Once we close on the new one, though, I know another big clean is coming...
CON: Room temperature. The wall thermostat seems to have no connection to the AC unit in our room. It is so stinkin' warm in here, but when the AC fan kicks on...wheew-wee...we start looking for penguins around the room. It gets sooo cold. We currently have Craig's tennis shoes holding a thick bath towel over the vents. It works pretty good.
PRO: Cookies! They give us cookies in the afternoon. Chocolate chocolate chip, regular chocolate chip, and sugar. Sugar is the best.
CON: Sporadic internet. I keep getting booted from my wireless and putting in the pass code constantly is a little annoying. Yesterday our pass code wouldn't even work. The nice lady at the desk told us that our pass code had expired. Um? Hello? Remember us? We've been here for a week and will stay a couple more nights...could they not have let us know before we were booted off yet again? It isn't like they don't see us...we walk past the front desk several times per day as we prepare to stalk our house again.
PRO: The hot tub. After this week I think that I finally have Craig convinced that we need a hot tub. It is so nice to sit back let the jets work their magic on my tired back. The heat also feels great when the air conditioner situation gets out of control.
CON: It's not home. I have all of the essentials that I need but would like to have a few of the extras that I have at home. My pedicure kit, for example, would be very welcomed by my poor feet.
PRO: Separate beds. I sleep soooo good without my tossing, turning, snoring, and talking husband stealing my pillows and blankets. I am totally fine with a good night wave from across the nightstand--for a while anyway!
CON: Poor snacking habits. Staying in a hotel can be very boring so we find ourselves in a boredom hunger quite often. It probably doesn't help that there is a Dairy Queen nearby that is currently running a blizzard special. Buy one (any size) get one for 25 cents.

There you have it. Happy Tuesday, all!

Our new house

2010-04-15T22:55:00.005-05:00

Yep, we bought another house and I am so glad to get rid of those butterflies in my stomach...for a while, anyway until our current home sells. It'll be on the market early next week. If one can be guilty of stalking a house we would be...there have been embarrassingly too many drive-bys this week.

Not much time to blog tonight, but we are feeling pretty comfortable with what will be our new area. It is bittersweet as there are many reminders that life is not playing out as we had planned, but as always, God is Good.

Nerdiness

2010-04-14T09:00:00.003-05:00

I am turning into a nerd. Just wanted you to know. Here's why:

I spent several hours in the last two days pouring over medical journals trying to decipher statistics--and liked it, well--kind of. That is the kind of stuff Craig would do. (Actually, he read them with me) I read Karen Kingsbury or Lori Wick. Not stuff I can learn from. Nerds read to learn things.
I passed up an opportunity to get a free facial so that I could stay home to look at houses on the internet. (Well, I would have been late for the facial, anyway!)
I thoroughally enjoyed cleaning the oven and stove top the other day. Fun fun, right? I even showed Mom how clean it was on Skype--that's pretty nerdy. Fume Free Easy Off is Awesome!
My life is starting to revolve around when I will have sushi next. It is really getting rediculous. I am in love with Alaskan, Philadelphia, and California rolls. No ginger or soy, but a touch of wasabi. The wasabi somehow gets a little flavor stuck in my nose sometimes, though and I don't care much for that. I think I want some sushi now, actually, but am limiting myself to once a week. Nerds develop crushes on certain foods and then want nothing else. I fall into that category.
Lately, my wardrobe consists largely of t-shirts, stretchy capris, and flip flops. Although I won't leave the house in them (often, anyway) I have come to realize how comfortable they are, but I do look the part of a nerd. In all fairness, though, I haven't had time or desire to do much shopping and all of my pre-baby clothes are too big.
I check my work e-mail regularly even though I haven't been there for 5 weeks. Sometimes I even check it more than I would if I were at work. One who pays too much attention to their job when they're not there could be considered a nerd.

There you have it. A few evidences of what I am becoming. The bottom line is, though, I am just looking for some sense or normalicy. I miss the days that I woke up without a care in the world and didn't analyze everything. I miss so many things...and people...

Butterfly Blessings

2010-04-10T11:29:00.006-05:00

I had a good day yesterday and the house is done. I said DONE!! Whew! The realtors came this morning and things went well.

As I was working around the house yesterday I received a phone call. On the other end of the line was Patrick, the guy from work that had trained me on placing PICC lines. While training we had a little downtime and he shared with me his excitement over the fact that after several years of trying to conceive (and eventually using IVF) he and his wife were expecting a baby girl. I didn't used to be an emotional person, but that made even tough shelled me tear up. I loved how he so openly talked about his role in how he just knew that God would give them the desire of their hearts if they would just trust.

I'll never forget the day that I was went to the nursing office and learned that Patrick and his wife's precious baby girl, Charley Rose, had died and was delivered still at nearly 27 weeks. At that time I could only feel a glimpse of the heartache and sense of loss that they must have felt. Although each situation is a little different, I can now understand a little more what they were going through in a way that I never wanted to know.

So, yesterday it was so refreshing to have a conversation with someone who has been there. He told me of some support groups that helped them heal. His wife was in the background prompting a bit, which was totally adorable. He told me about a program called Butterfly Blessings which was taking place today in Rock Island. As much as I wanted to go, I would not allow myself to get my hopes up about being able to make it. (We had scheduled 3 realtors to come to the house at different times to interview.) He also let us know about some other support groups and things that they have done that helped.

As our conversation ended and I hung up the phone I thanked him profusely. I was so glad that he called. I don't know if I would have dialed the digits if the tables were turned, but I just can't explain how much it helped to talk to someone who understands. We agreed that we are all members of a really crappy "club" of parents who have lost children. Honestly, it is a club that I knew must exist but never really paid that much attention to and would never have chosen to become a part of, but we didn't choose it. It chose us, and now we're here, but are not alone.

Fast forward to today. We did go to the Butterfly Blessings ceremony. It was lovely to hear the music and Patrick and his wife speak about their feelings at the time that Charley died and their feelings now 2 years later. We lit a candle in Christopher's memory and made picture with his initials and picture with background wording that says "Some people only dream of angels...we got to hold one in our arms." I like that saying a lot...except Christopher was much to tiny to hold in our arms...he fit perfectly in our hands, though!
It ended up feeling like a very appropriate way to spend the day that is exactly one month from the day that our son was born and died. We laughed, and cried, and remembered. Oh I miss that little boy.

P.S. Patrick and his wife now have 2 beautiful twin boys that are about 18 months. Hooray for healthy miracles!

Crabby Party

2010-04-09T11:33:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was not a good day for me. Again, there was little rhyme or reason why feelings were so strong, but part of it had to do with the fact that I started feeling sorry for myself. I threw quite the pity party. There were streamers of unfairness and balloons filled with "why me's" and atop my head sat the party hat of all party hats that read "The Queen of all Pity--the one who has been dealt the crappiest deal of all." I sifted through journal articles that a high risk specialist had given me--adding fury to my fire as I became more and more frustrated. I was tired and bored (although there were many things I should have been doing) and just felt justified in being mad for a while.
A friend called in the afternoon just to chat and my sister called a little later and read me a children's book that she had bought at some conference. It was a whimsical story about what a person may experience in heaven after death. I cried like a baby before asking her "Why are you doing this to me?!?!?!" It felt good to cry a little. Tears have been pretty evasive lately and letting them fall was refreshing to my tired spirit. Thanks, sis. :)
Craig came home at his usual time and asked what I had done that day. The only thing that I had accomplished was going to a dentist appointment and getting my teeth cleaned--oh so much effort I had to put in for that! We sat and talked for a long time about things and where we are at with everything from moving to our losses and spent a lot of time talking about Christopher. I started to feel a little better...well enough anyway to go out and tidy up my flowerbeds while Craig power washed the deck. My mood was a little better, but we still felt it best to work on projects on the opposite side of the house. That Craig is a smart cookie, I tell you!
Later in the evening I got an e-mail from my aunt reminding me that she had not forgotten my hurt, which was comforting and I skyped with my mama after warning her that I was a crabby mess. She even got me to smile. I love her. She also made me cry (as did my neighbor, which was a little awkward, because she had no idea and probably just thought we were talking about mulch, which really isn't sad). You know, that is the thing I love about my family and friends. They know and understand that not all days will be good ones. They acknowledge that there will be some days will be better than others and accept me for who I am and where I am, often times hurting right along with me. Thanks everyone!

The Reality of Relocation

2010-04-08T11:10:00.004-05:00

Moving is becoming more and more of a reality every day. The house is so close to being ready to put on the market. I am pretty sure that if I put the computer down and finished up the last minute things it would be ready by tomorrow, but I won't because writing sounds much more fun than deep cleaning.
I have really been focusing on taking just one day at a time right now. It is so easy for me to get overwhelmed with everything, and when I am feeling that way I can't accomplish anything. I am looking forward to moving in a way. It is exciting to have a fresh start in a place where no one knows us and all that we've been through in the last several months. Looking for a new house is fun, as is making new friends. Craig has an excellent career opportunities there, and I think that in time I will too. However, we can't move there until we leave here. That is the part that really stinks. This is the area that we have called home for the last 6 years. This is where many of our friends are and have supported me through the difficult months recently and when Craig was deployed. This is where Christopher was born and the doctors are that know me best. I really thought that this would be where we would live for a long time, not merely a stepping stone.
I would be lying to say that I'm not at least a little concerned with how I will adjust to this move. I am trying to keep things as low-stress as possible (I just giggled as I typed that--who am I trying to fool with "low-stress?"). I will not be pursuing a new job right away. Matter of fact, I am retaining my job here at least through the summer, which sounds crazy, but makes sense when all of the circumstances that I do not have time or energy to explain here are considered. I am worried that once we get settled I will have nothing to do and will have too many days like today where I can't do anything but think too much.
I know that God has this all under control, and worry shouldn't fill me because He is so much bigger than all of this. So much bigger, yet he holds tiny little (in one sense, anyway!), hurting, worried, confused me tenderly in the palm of His hand. That should be enough, but I am a planner** and would really like to know what the Big Guy has in store...maybe.

**Disclaimer for the statement "I am a planner." I am not really a planner. I like to think I am, but sadly, am not. I do make long range plans, but they don't typically work out because they need short term plans to make them happen. I have no plan for what I will wear tomorrow, what time I'll get up, what is for lunch, or what I'll do (besides clean the dining room floor). There, that's it. Planner: Long term only and not good at it.

Lost treasures

2010-04-06T13:15:00.007-05:00

It is amazing what you find when you really clean your house. Just today I found the missing American Girl Doll outfit that I was supposed to give Madison last August on her birthday from Craig's parents. When I forgot to bring it to her party, I was asked to just give it to her for Christmas. No problem...that left me 4 months to find the pink and red little box that the outfit was in. As Christmas drew closer, I began to panic a little. I could not think of a single place that it might be so, as any reasonable person would do, I asked Madison where she got each and every outfit in her dolls' wardrobe--wondering if perhaps she had found it somewhere, opened it, and thought that SHE had misplaced it. It didn't take much to convince me that she had found it and her two dolls had been trading it back and forth for months while I frantically scoured the house wondering if this all was further evidence that I was losing my mind. When I found an empty AG clothes box under her bed I became further satisfied that the mystery had been solved, telling myself that I was still a slightly sane person as I halted the search. All was well...until today. As the final and top shelf of the linen closet was being sorted I stumbled across a small box. At first I was excited, but that soon faded as I realized that I have been blaming an innocent child for snooping and finding it 3 months ago (although I never verbally accused her or mentioned it to her). Oops. Sorry, Maddie. I guess I am at the age where I should have ONE (and only one) hiding place.

Apparently no one likes rosy pink toilet seats anymore. None of the major home improvement stores carry them and give you a funny look when you ask if one can be ordered somehow. (They can be, by the way, but they're 30 bucks and take 17 days. No thanks, I'm Dutch and impatient). I know they're all thinking something like "She looks kind of normal, but I wonder why she wants pink so bad. She probably has one of those houses with wallpaper everywhere, gold specks in her white counter tops, and lots of pastel walls." Not quite. Wallpaper was created only to annoy me. The gold specks have been painted over (in the pink bathroom, of course, and by the previous owners), and not ALL of the walls are pastel. There are a few white ones, but most have a little pizazz. We really just don't have time to do another bathroom remodel....
Anyway, back to the toilet seat. I did find one at a mom and pop style hardware store. The lady who looked like she was in pain every time she took a step led me to the aisle where a very lonely and ugly pink seat sat on the shelf. She unknowingly said "How about a pink one?" I smiled and said "Perfect, I'll take it." I think that she was a little surprised. She's probably been trying to sell that sucker for 25 years. I couldn't wait to call Craig, but he didn't seem nearly as excited as I am. We're one step closer to getting this house ready to sell. Since we're interviewing potential Realtors on Saturday and likely putting it on the market next week time is short.

On a different note, I am really missing my Christopher today. I don't know if moving the crib, maternity clothes, and all that we had acquired in anticipation of becoming parents to the storage unit last night started this or it is something else, but my heart is heavy today. Even though I can work around the house and get things done, thoughts of the little guy that I love and miss so much are never very far away...

My Job

2010-04-04T19:47:00.001-05:00

Last Wednesday I went to my workplace and signed papers to change my status to "casual." This means that I am only required to work two shifts per month, but can work as much as I want as long as hours are available.

This was a difficult decision for me to make, but given the circumstances I knew that I needed to do something different. My job can be very stressful at times when there is a pull to be in several places at once...often times at different campuses. Then there is the factor of problems that arise resulting multiple physician phone calls. I was starting to get burnt out a little in the last year--just ready for a change. To top it off, I knew that my career here could not be long term and as long as I was filling a full-time slot, no one else could be hired. With all of this in play, I stepped down. My goal now is to help train my replacement and pick up some hours that work for me when available.

After my dad's funeral I went back to work rather quickly and found that it was a very difficult place to be. I found that my "normal" felt anything but comfortable. I could get into the routine of my workday and not think about things until I was at the threshold where all I could block out met the overflow of emotions. The only thing that I could do during those moments was hide in my office and let go of all I was holding back. Five months later that was still happening and I got to the point that I couldn't think about or much less say my dad's name without breaking down. Things really seemed to be getting worse rather than better--but in retrospect maybe part of that had something to do with all of the extra hormones from my pregnancy dramatizing my experiences. I really believe that a large part of it had to do with the fact that I would not allow myself to deal with my thoughts early on. I realized that I could shut off my emotions for a while and stop feeling...which I became way too good at and tended to do a little too often. This time I can't and won't deny myself the chance to deal with the waves of grief as they come.

Even as busy as we've been getting ready to move, I have taken the time when sadness finds me to stop and reflect on my feelings instead of try to deny them. It feels already like I am dealing with Christopher's death in a much more healthy way than before, but it doesn't make hurt any less. I often wonder how something so tiny can change a person in so many ways.

Anyway--I am going to return to work April 19ish. Please pray that I can get the right balance of hours so that I can both continue to heal and keep on top of things at home. It will be nice to make a little money again to offset all of these little fix-it projects that have come up in preparation of selling.

In the meantime, does anyone have a pink toilet seat that they'd like to part with? :) The one bathroom that we didn't get around to remodeling is the guest bath, which still sports a pink tub, toilet, and sink. The accompanying pink toilet seat is the one that broke this weekend.

The Move

2010-04-03T22:04:00.000-05:00

Craig and I have been working like (insert something that works super fast while using lots of muscles that have long since been forgotten about here) lately. We are interviewing realtors late next week and will put our house on the market soon after. :( Yesterday I cleaned the basement and sorted out all of the stuff that can go to the storage shed, threw away a bunch of junk, and found my cheese slicer. Who knew that it could be located in the clearly labeled "Misc. Kitchen" tote?
Craig spent the better part of the day trenching in landscaping blocks around the perimeter of the house, around the lilac bushes in the backyard, and along the back of our property. By the time he came in he was all scratched up, hot, and very tired, but relieved that the project is mostly done...until Tuesday when 5 cubic yards of mulch gets dumped on our driveway.

Today we got a ton of "little" things done. To name a few: the firepit is revamped (and ready to burn a few more times!!), the stair rail and outdoor lamp have been repainted, annuals are potted and looking pretty, all of my house plants have homes in new pots and fresh soil (Even Mary Jane Schefflera, who is making a comeback), and last but not least, the front door has been fixed--now no one can complain about getting stuck in our house.

This moving business is for the birds. When we moved from Ames it didn't seem like such a big deal. Moving from our previous home to this one was a bear. After this, I am never moving again...well...for a while anyway, and we're not even doing the actual loading and unloading ourselves. It is the organizing and getting ready to show our house that is so taxing. We're not even clutterbugs and generally keep our house pretty clean, but it is crazy how much stuff gets accumulated.

Just the time we got it all finished we heard a bang-crash-giggle from upstairs where Maddie was getting ready for bed. I just looked at Craig, shook my head and went up to survey the damage. Apparently the lid of the toilet seat just broke and fell off. I don't know why it couldn't have waited another 2 months, but I guess that's an easy fix. Maddie though it was hilarious, though, and laughter of a child is a good way to end a long day of work.

Love at First Sight

2010-04-02T22:18:00.004-05:00

Love at First Sight

Before you were conceived

I wanted you

Before you were born

I loved you

Before you were here for an hour

I would die for you

This is the miracle of life

--Maureen Hawkins

This is the poem that came with an Isabel Bloom sculpture I was given today. I am not big into collectibles, but when there is sentimental value attached to a Willow Tree figurine or a Isabel Bloom sculpture I LOVE them. This particular piece and poem seemed to whisper another thought to Christopher that I wish I would have had more of a chance to say. I love the fact that the mother just looks like she is in awe of her baby...just like I was. I also love it that the baby's facial features are not very defined. Love it, Love it, LOVE it.

It is so strange to me that I have found such enjoyment in Isabel Bloom sculptures. They are made locally. When we moved to the QCA 6 years ago some new friends had collections going and, honestly, I thought that they were ugly. When Kimmi died, Craig's work gave use the medium Peace Angel in the original coloring. It was just fitting and pretty. I like it--a lot. Our neighbor gave us the mini Hugs and I was hooked.

When my dad passed away, Craig and I went to the store to see if they had anything fitting. I fell in love with the Love You Forever piece. (the poem with it is: I love you today as I have from the start, I'll love you forever with all of my heart) We purchased it in the verdigris coloring, which is a kind of a grayish-green. The dad in the figure resembles my dad a little. My boss sent me a small Peace Angel after Christopher died, and now Craig's parents have given us the Love at First Sight sculpture, which is perfect. Love it! (Have I mentioned that??)

I no longer think they're ugly--now it is quite the opposite. However, the five pieces that we have all represent loss. I don't want any more for a LONG time!

The Feather

2010-03-31T17:43:00.010-05:00

If life was as we had planned, I would be anticipating an ultrasound in 2 days. Today I would have quietly celebrated that I was 20 weeks pregnant--half way there. I would have googled "baby at 20 weeks gestation" as I had every Wednesday to see what new and exciting things my baby was doing and what fruit I could compare his body size to this week. I would have probably over indulged once again in Starbursts and would have dreaded taking my multivitamin with dinner. I would have kept Craig up late again pouring over the list of possible names.

Life has not left us where we thought we would be. Instead of discussing baby names we're realizing with more clarity the fact that the dreams we have had for our little one will never be. I find myself making a list each night of things to do the next day so that I not only have things to look forward to, but also fill my time so that I don't sit around and think too much. It seems at times like a new area of my brain has just realized that I am no longer pregnant and my baby is gone, leaving me feeling shocked and confused. There are times that I can sit and talk about Christopher and our experience, look at his pictures and not even shed a tear because I feel nothing--completely numb. Times that I feel full of joy that he lived, and times times that I miss him so much that I have to focus just to breathe. I want off of this pendulum that seems to be swinging between elation and despair with numbness in between. Most of the time I feel nothing at all, though, and that is what I despise. I want to feel. Even if hurts, I want to feel.

I have learned so much in the last year, and especially in the past three weeks. So very much about life, about death, and about love.

Life is unfair. It is confusing and makes no sense sometimes. It hurts and shows little respect for what we want. It is fragile and can be snuffed out without rhyme or reason. It is also blissful and vibrant. It is the greenest green you can find in the spring, but also the stillness of brown in the fall. Unpredictable. Merciless sometimes and inspirational others. Life is like a feather perched atop a fingertip on a breezy day. It may float carelessly for a while upon the gentle wind, beautifully and freely flittering through the air.

Death is sickening. It reduces relationships to mere memories and robs us of opportunity to create new ones. It breaks hearts and creates separation between us and those we love. Death stinks in so many ways. It attempts to rob us of joy by overwhelming us with feelings of sadness. Death catches the whimsically floating feather unaware by its swift current and plummets it to the ground where it becomes soiled and broken. It causes so much hurt, even though I know that death does not have the final say.

Love is so amazing, so beautiful and pure. It eases suffering and creates hope. It comforts and surrounds. Love knows no limits and is mutually felt by the giver and receiver. Love finds an old and rugged feather laying on the ground and sees beauty in it. It tenderly washes it off, and places it again on a fingertip where the next breeze can find it. Love sends cards or hugs when someone is hurting. It is at the center of a warm embrace. Love does not disappoint, even though we may find more pain to heal because we dared to love.

Through all of this I have been reminded that God has not asked me to do anything that He has not done Himself. He has also grieved over the loss of a son. The only difference is God knew what the outcome of his son entering the world was going to be. He knew that His son would die yet He poured Himself into him. He allowed Himself to become attached. Had I known from the beginning that my son would not survive, I know that in an effort to protect my heart, my nature would have pushed away any attempts that would allow me to fully engage in his being. I can say this because I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy trying not to get my hopes up...somewhat prepping myself for disappointment should it come. God wasn't like that. He knew and still dared to love. That is the greatest example of life, and death, and definitely love that could ever be. God's love...so amazing.

Everything Falls

2010-03-29T14:31:00.004-05:00

On the night that Christopher was born a friend brought me a CD with instructions to listen to track 5. After everyone left we popped it in and became entranced by the words of the song that seemed to pull our thoughts out of our heads and pinpoint how we were feeling. I cannot find words that better describe God's providence for us in this time. We listened again on our way home from the hospital. And again on our way to the funeral home, (and again and again...) each time it just brought so much comfort. A while later, I was having a rough day and really wanted to hear the music, but the CD had found a home in Craig's truck and was at work with him. A little disappointed, I turned on my computer to check my e-mail. Lo and behold, another friend sent me a link to the same song on facebook with a note that said that she had been listening to some music and wanted to share it with me.

Here are the lyrics to Everything Falls by Fee:

You said, You'd never leave or forsake me
When You said, this life is gonna shake me
And you said this world is gonna bring trouble on my soul
This I know

Chorus:
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong, You keep holding on
You keep holding on.

When I see the darkness all around me
and I see that tragedy has found me
I still believe Your faithful arms will never let me go
and still I know

CHORUS

Sorrow will last for the night
but hope is rising with the sun, it's rising with the sun
There will be storms in this life
But I know You will overcome, You have overcome.

CHORUS X 2.

I simply cannot state it any better...

P.S. If you want to watch the video/hear the music via YouTube, click here, or else call me and I'll sing it to you (which is not a recommended option).

Pics

2010-03-26T22:17:00.003-05:00

I don't know how I have overlooked mentioning one of the most meaningful things that happened on Wednesday evening. We had professional pictures taken with Christopher by an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS). When this was first offered to us we were a little unsure. The hospital had given us a disposable camera and part of us felt like that would be enough. We knew that we did not want to display any pictures in our home--or anywhere else--of our deceased baby, but amid encouragement from the hospital staff we decided that we would have the pictures taken. We would never have to look at them if we didn't choose to, but if we missed our opportunity we wouldn't get another.

The lady that took our portraits was wonderful--very softspoken and kind. The photo session didn't last too long, but long enough. By the time it was finished I was struggling to contain myself. I wasn't sure whether or not I would ever open the envelope when it arrived.

Later, as I was holding my son in my hands I was trying to convert each angle of his little face into memory. I knew that the images that were being stored there were beautiful and perfect, but was a little concerned that if the photos didn't turn out as I had hoped it could distort what was in my mind. I didn't want anything to change the way I remembered my son's precious face.

By the time we'd been home for 4 days I had a strong sense of desire to see pictures of my baby. I took the disposable camera in to be developed and asked Craig to pick them up on his way home from work so that we could look at them for the first time together. My fears came true as we sat on the edge of the sofa and peered through the snapshots. The details of his tiny features were lost and I strained to see my Christopher through the glossy-ness. We put them back in the enevelope and considered throwing them out (and keep the disc that we also had printed just in case), but ultimately decided to keep them and never look at them again (because that makes sense). The thing that made us come to that decision was that those were the only pictures that we would ever have of our sweet son with his adorable little hat on.

About 4 days later Craig and I were returning from a walk when I saw a large envelope sticking out of the mailbox. I broke out in a huge smile and nearly sprinted the rest of the way home, knowing that it was probably our professional pictures. It was. (OK, so Craig is laughing at me as I am reading this post back to him before posting. We were at the end of the driveway when I spotted the envelope, so it was only about 30 feet to the mailbox, but that is far greater a distance than I have sprinted in the last 10 years, and have I mentioned that I still wasn't quite back to par?)

While sitting on the edge of the sofa once again we popped the slideshow into the computer. We sat amazed as perfectly captured images of us with our son flashed before us to a very very sad song. We both cried over the sadness of the loss and gratitude that the way that we remembered Christopher looking was no longer confined to our memories, but now also to pictures that we can look over for years to come.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep gave us something that we could have obtained no other way. Essentially, it gave us a way to keep our son's appearance fresh and clear long after our memories may begin to fade. Wonderful wonderful wonderful--that's what NILMDTS is...and the service they provide is FREE. (If anyone is looking to donate funds to this fantastic non-profit as we have done, they will accept it!)

You will probably never find any of those pictures displayed publicly (i.e. on my blog). I am working on editing one photo, limiting what can be seen to my finger, Craig's finger, and Christopher's tiny hand. If I am able to get it to look right (ok, so right now it just looks like his arm has been severed from his and is just hanging there--definitly not the final attempt), I might post a link for those who want to see it, but will never post it or any other pictures directly so that they are just there when you open the website.

However, I have printed copies of the pictures and if anyone is interested in personally viewing them, I would be honored to show them. We are not comfortable with electronically sending any, but be glad to show you our hard copies.

Craig's flight home

2010-03-25T23:19:00.007-05:00

I tried to get Craig to write this entry so that it would be a first hand account, but his responses were:
1. "I don't have a blog."
2. "People would get confused."
3. "I am not a news contributor."

So, here I go, probing him for information and trying to get it all straight. I wonder how long it will be before he says he should have written this himself.

The first leg of Craig's flight was from Huntsville, Alabama to Atlanta, Georgia. It was set to depart at 7:50 AM. His plan was to leave the hotel (which was only minutes from the airport) at 6:45, fill up and return the rental car and have plenty of time to catch his flight. What he didn't plan for, however, was someone crashing their car and blocking the only road connecting his hotel to the airport. He sat in backed up traffic for 25 minutes before making it to the gas station, filled up quickly, and attempted to return the rental car, where problem #2 surfaced. There was no one in the lot to recieve his car. He decided to deal with that after checking in at the Delta counter. This is where problem #3 came in. There were a few people ahead of him in line, so Craig took the liberty to push his way to the front, where the lady told him that it was too late to check in for the flight. Craig informed her of the emergent need for him to be on the plane and gave her the stare down. (He is never pushy like that, but I have been given the stare down once or twice, and it does convince one to do what he wants!) She reluctantly checked him in, but would not check his bag.

After leaving the Delta counter, he ran back to the Dollar Rental Car Counter and turned in his keys, telling the agent there to just send him the receipt and ran across the airport to check in at security. (I'm going to quit listing problem #'s here, because honestly, I don't know what number I'm on anymore).

Security took one look at his suitcase and said. "Nope, too big." The security guard also got the stare down as Craig plopped the largest suitcase that we own on the belt. For some unknown reason, the guard let it go through and Craig was on his way again. A repeat for the final boarding was announced as he sprinted toward the gate flailing his arms. Amazingly, the gate agent not only allowed him to board the plane, but assured him that his suitcase would be plane-side checked after questioning how he got it through security. To top it off, there were 3 people waiting to fly standby that probably should have been allowed to board since he was not there until the very last second. Whew. He made it. Just time to sit on the tarmac for 45 minutes waiting for fog and heavy rain to clear.

The second (and final) leg of the flight was from Atlanta to Moline. Since there was such a long delay in the first flight taking off, the time to catch the second flight was cut very short. Thankfully, the gates were in close proximity because as Craig was departing the first, they were announcing the final boarding call for the second, and again he arrived just as the gates were closing. He was last person to board a plane for two of two times that day.

All in all, by noon he had landed in the Quad Cities by and PB delivered him to the hospital by 12:30. His luggage was believed to be lost forever, but even it turned up the next night. :) We now love Delta...they came through for us in our time of need!

It is amazing to me how God orchestrated this timing just perfectly. Once again we're a little befuddled as to why He does things the way that He does, but they always seem to work out in the end.

Wednesday continued

2010-03-25T10:00:00.003-05:00

We passed the baby in his little basket around for hours, marveling at the first hand witness of God's handiwork. I was filled with pride--I know, it is the root of all sin--but it was there. It was not a pride of what we had created, but what God had created through us. Each time he was passed from one person to another I got to see the joy that he brought to each one. Even though we were all devastated by the fact that he was here way too early, there was so much joy in that room, and so much peace. Mom, Shelli, PB, Mary, Tim, and Molly were all present and sorrowfully rejoiced with us. People who mean so much to us loving us and our son.

As our baby was passed from person to person we tried to think of a name for him. We had thought we'd have 4 1/2 months to bounce names we liked around in our minds, but when our son arrived, he really didn't look like any of them, so we were back to square one. When Craig and I had a brief moment to ourselves with the baby, we became inspired by the name Job. We knew that we wanted a strong, biblical name and Job seemed perfect when we considered how faithful God has been to us during such a tough time...not just around our baby's birth, but throughout the years of yearning for a child. Other suggestions were "Zaccheus" which was never a serious contender and was only brought up because he was such a "wee little man." No, thanks. I did not want to give a child a name that I would have to sing.

That evening we had also recognized our desire to have our son baptized. Craig talked with PB and we set the time that we would gather again in the morning to dedicate our baby back to God.

When Craig and I were alone with our son we continued trying to find a name. We snuggled up on the bed, Craig with our baby, and I with my laptop (no significance there, just the way it worked out) searching the internet for the perfect name. We wanted something traditional. We had spent about 10 minutes looking before we stumbled upon Christopher. Early in the pregnancy we had discussed the name, but ruled it out quickly when we realized that it could get confusing should his name ever get shortened to Chris since that is my mom's name, which would inevitably happen. Christopher is also Craig's middle name, and, although Craig had never expressed interest in naming our child after him before, we both felt it was a good fit. Plus, he looked like a Christopher. Christopher Job...that was him.

It was strange to me how I had wanted to give our son a name and identity so soon, but yet couldn't call him my it. For 4 months he had been just "baby" and the naming process made me acknowledge that he was here...way too early. Here it is two weeks later and I am just starting to be able to say his name more comfortably without thinking just of the loss.

The name seems to sound more fitting with each passing moment. Christopher Job Riedel. My firstborn, my son, my baby. Oh how I miss him.

Two weeks ago...

2010-03-24T11:15:00.010-05:00

It has now been two weeks since Christopher died. As I reflect on the day that my life was changed by that precious little angel many thoughts and emotions come to mind. I have taken a lot of time to think about the way things all happened and have a new sense of gratitude as I realize how everything was perfectly orchestrated to bring our son into the world in the way that he came.

I feel a little reluctance in writing these thoughts, because I don't want to leave any room for misunderstanding. I would have done ANYTHING to bring this little guy into the world safe and healthy. I would have given anything to protect him from the very beginning, but the fact is, I couldn't. I could not have done a single thing to prevent what happened from taking place. There was a silent threat lurking inside of me that robbed my son of life. A threat that, had anyone known about, would have been treated and all would be fine. If only we had known. God knew, though, and for some reason this was all part of His plan. As His will unraveled around us we were hurt, angry, confused, and unsure--and still face some of those feelings as we try to make sense of it, but also there is a stillness within, a contentedness of sorts as we know that everything will be ok.

Two weeks ago at this time I was praying the hardest prayer that I have ever prayed. I was still waiting for Craig to arrive and just asked God again for peace and strength as we tried to discern His will in all of this. I prayed that He would make the right choices clear to us, and that (this was the hardest part of all) He would not let there be a heartbeat on our next ultrasound if it was His plan to take our dearly loved baby to heaven, clearing the way for us to know what to do next. I knew in my heart that if our baby had died then I could deliver and find a place of healing someday, but if we had to make a choice between life and death for our son I could not do it. I could not end the life of my child by bringing him into the world without a chance when, if he was left alone inside of me, he could live for even one second longer. I couldn't believe that those words were coming from my lips. Out of love for my unborn child and with all things considered I reluctantly gave God permission (not that He needs it) to let my baby die. I wanted a miracle more than I needed air, but the miracle I would receive was not the one I asked for.

Craig finally arrived and when he walked into the room I felt just like I did two years ago when I picked him up at the airport after 11 months in Iraq--relieved and full of love for him. His trip home was rather eventful--there were several things that had happened that should have caused him to miss every leg of his flight--but I'll save that for another day. He climbed in bed next to me and we just held eachother and wept and talked. Oh how blessed I was then and am now to have him. So very blessed in so many ways.

We had a heart to heart discussion, trying to discern our responsibility to God and our son in a few of the scenerios that we knew could unfold before us and made some tentative decisions about a few things. Then we joined my mom, sister, and our pastor (PB) who were in a family room. It seemed refreshing to get out of the room a little bit while we waited for the doctor to make rounds.

After a while, the nurse asked Craig and I to go back to my room to see the doctor. It was Dr. B that day, as well as my midwife, Beth, who also had already earned her way to my BFF list. The ultrasound tech came in and the room grew silent as we all stared at the monitor. Within me we saw no movement, no heartbeat. There wasn't a dry eye in the room as Dr. B whispered "there's no heartbeat". My mind and body began to react with sobs and wretching as I was forced to let go of hope for a miracle. Craig held me in a tight embrace, his tears mixing with mine as they ran down my face. I asked Dr. B "what do we do now?" not really wanting to hear the answer.

"We can induce labor whenever you are ready...take as much time as you need."

Everyone but Craig and I left, and together we began to acknowledge the familiar pain of death once again. Mom, Shelli, and PB came in and shared in our loss. Even though my prayer had been answered, my broken heart could not comprehend what was happening.

A short while later, we decided to begin the induction, knowing that it could take up to a couple of days to complete. I felt calm and collected. Craig went for a short walk in an attempt to clear his thoughts and returned quickly. Mom and Shelli left for a short time to get some fresh air. Craig, PB, and I sat in the room and had a pleasant conversation about something, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. Just as PB was getting ready to leave, the labor was getting intense. I called Beth (midwife) and she was by my side immediately.

Within the hour, I was holding the most precious thing I had ever seen in my hands. A beautiful and perfect baby boy. Not just any baby, but our baby, our son.

The nurse and the midwife had tenderly wrapped him in a blanket and placed him in a tiny basket. His arms were gently folded across his chest (he was born that way), and he was covered in baby oil to keep his tissues moist and fresh, which gave him the sweetest smell on earth.

I stared at our tiny miracle (I had thought all along that our baby would be a boy!) in disbelief of how perfect he really was. Perfectly formed fingers and toes complete with itty bitty fingernails. A beautiful face with the cutest nose you could ever imagine. Tiny ears that were curled just a little at the top just like my dad's were. The amazing network of veins and arteries clearly tracable through his transparent skin as well as the muscles and ligaments that would become his bones. I have never seen such a beautiful sight in all my life, and was amazed to think that the same God that formed the mighty mountains had also delicately knitted this baby's tiny body so perfectly together. (I know that I have used the word perfect a lot, but it is the ideal descriptor!)

Wednesday was such a packed day and I want to include more details, but am too tired and emotionally drained to continue on right now. Therefore, I'll continue another time....

Still Tuesday, but not so scary. (Part 2)

2010-03-23T23:39:00.001-05:00

The paramedics somehow got the stretcher next to the exam table and were getting ready to move me over. One thing that drives me bananas is being treated like I'm helpless. I knew I didn't want to be on my feet, but could certainly slide my own body two feet to the right. Once I was as settled as could be on that incredibly uncomfortable cart (the rumors I'd heard from my patients are true!) and all buckled in we set in motion. In the hallway I began to realize that they were taking me out through the waiting room. The last thing I wanted was for people to stare at me and wonder what had happened, so I pulled the sheet that had been covering me up over my face. Most people know that I am not one to be the center of attention without perfoming just a little, but this time refrained from doing what I really wanted to do. It had crossed my mind to make a groaning sound and let my arm fall off the cart to the side while holding my breath, (making it look like they were transporting a body) but had sense enough to realize that not only would the paramedics freak out, but they would remove that sheet from covering my face and expose my identity. Probably a good call to leave well enough alone.

The ride to the hospital was pretty bouncy and uncomfortable. Luckily, it wasn't far. The paramedic in the back with me got ready to start my IV and asked me what line of work I was in. I remember telling him that I would let him know AFTER my IV was in (no one needs added pressure for perfection from an IV/PICC line nurse) and that I would appreciate it if he could use a 22 gauge in my right "intern" vein. He did use the vein that I wanted, but said that the 22 was too small and reached for a 16 gauge. I kindly let him know that I would not be needing large volume rapid infusions and jokingly spouted off about how the CDC and INS standards strongly recommend using the smallest bore catheter in the largest vein possible for the shortest duration of time required for the prescribed therapy, and threw in that a needle that size would leave too large of a scar on my pretty little wrist when it came out. I begged for a 20 gauge, he grabbed an 18 gauge and I gave up. At least he got it in on the first try.

In the ER a lab tech drew some blood and asked me a question that I could not answer. "Are you Pregnant?" Good question. All I could do is stare at her and all she could do was repeat herself. "Ma'am, are you pregnant?" I honestly didn't know how to answer her. I thought that I could explain how I was 17 weeks pregnant this morning but delivered a whole lot of something in the office, was told I had had a baby but don't really believe it, so the answer to her question would be probably but maybe not. Finally a nurse came in as she inquired once again and hushed the lab tech. She left with a red face and certain embarassment. I feel SO bad for people when things like this happen. I know that she didn't know what was going and just needed an answer, but I just had no words.

They did an ultrasound in the ER also but the only thing they said was that the baby was still there. I didn't know if the baby was still living or not, and didn't want to ask for fear that the answer would be no. Ignorance could bring bliss for just a little longer, couldn't it?

Finally they moved me up to my room where I met one of the greatest nurses, Kim. She was awesome. She told me how sorry she was, cried with me, held my hand, and showed so much compassion. The only thing that she didn't do was get me something to eat. (not her fault, blame the Doc) By then it had been nearly 6 hours since I had eaten my chips and pineapple and I was starving!

It was early evening before I had a chance to call Craig back. He was unable to get out of Alabama that night but had booked the first flight out the next morning and would be back in the QCA by noon. He told me that he had called my mom and she was on her way. Oh, my mom. My heart broke as I thought of her making that drive by herself. I remember how long that drive was when we were trying to get to the farm after Dad's accident. We talked for a few more minutes before the doctor came in with more news. He told me that the Ultrasound in the ER showed that the baby still had a heartbeat, but that the prognosis was very poor. I would likely either go into labor and deliver or else develop an infection at which time they would have to induce labor to keep me safe. The baby was simply too small to live outside of me. "Oh God, fill me with your spirit, because I don't think I can cope with another loss. I'm begging for a miracle, but whatever Your will is, help me to accept it, Lord." Peace found me once again.

I watched intently as they placed the sonosite probe over my belly and saw that tiny little heart flickering on the screen. My baby was still alive. There was hope--it was just slight glimmer, but still hope.

Craig and I talked again. We cried and hoped and comforted eachother. For a little bit it seemed like he was right next to me, not 800 miles away. I wanted so much for him to be with me and I knew that he would have done anything to have been there, but we would just have to wait. I felt helpless. What made me feel worst of all, though, was knowing that our tiny little miracle was sleeping inside of me and my body could no longer provide what it needed to live. There was nothing that I could do.

I called to check on Mom--she was only a few miles out--and a called a couple of friends. I didn't want a lot of visitors. Within minutes the "Three M's" showed up. Mom, Molly, and Mary. Perfect. We cried, we laughed just a little, and then we cried some more. I begged my wonderful new nurse, Amanda, for a PB & J sandwich and she became my new BFF when it arrived. (They finally allowed me to eat because I had stabalized--and whined a lot!)

Before bed I posted my first blog entry. That was so hard to write because I didn't want my situation to be true. Even though I felt at peace about what would happen with the baby, I worried about Craig and how he was dealing with everything as well as his travel back, and worried also about my mom, Craig's parents, and Madison with the other losses still being so fresh. I prayed for each of them and then drifted off into a light sleep, thankful that at least for one more night I had reason to hope.

Smiles in the midst of everything

2010-03-22T16:57:00.005-05:00

I have been writing the continuation of Tuesday and a couple of other things, but don't have any of those ready to post yet. The reflection on those days has been met with very mixed emotions. I have felt happy, sad, crazy, joyful, distraught, angry, and indifferent to name a few. It is hard to find words to describe sometimes.

We have received so many cards and notes that have been so encouraging. THANK YOU for all of the hugs sent that way when we just needed a little squeeze from someone who cared!

Today has been a good one and I feel like writing about some things that are going on OUTSIDE of "Loss of Christopher World." Well, some of them might be related, but they are still lighthearted.

*I got my first ever pedicure. My sis was here and we decided that we needed a little pampering. We learned a whole lot about how exciting it is to be "graduating in 9 days." (We got them done at a beauty school). It was probably a good thing that it was the maiden voyage for both of us for pedicures because we heard the word "Oops" a lot and had no idea what they did wrong. I liked the paraffin wax dip, but I suspect that many other people have also dipped their feet in the same vat of warm goo. That makes me want to puke a little. It felt good, but next time? Um, no thanks.

*I was told by a certain adorable 4 year old that he wanted me to be his mom (in front of his mother on her birthday, none the less) because he liked to talk to me. Flattered, I told him that I thought he already had a really special mom, but I would like to be his friend. From there the conversation went on to how he got a new kaleidoscope and his birthday was coming up so I should really be thinking about a gift for him.

*My love for chocolate has found me once again, although I still seem to have some restraint. My friend sent a package with lots of variety of chocolate covered treats and it has lasted for a whole week. Plus, I have not hid it from anyone, which is not like me. Well, I take that back. I guess keeping it in the box under another box in the corner of the dining room is technically considered hiding, but the point is I have shared.

*We went to 3 movies last week...The Blindside, It's Complicated, and "Green Zone." (guess who picked the last one) Two of them didn't start until after 9:30 p.m. but have found that the movie theater is one of the few places that we can go and not think about what is going on other than what is on the silver screen.

*I had a meltdown one night and asked Craig to take me for a drive. We no sooner got out of the driveway when I decided that I really just wanted to stay home, but didn't say anything. Once we got about 3 miles out I asked Craig to turn around, which he did just in time for us to come upon the scene of 2 dogs getting hit by a car and yelping out in pain. It was traumatic and I was inconsolable for a while. That stunk.

*Our house hunting trip has been extended. (For those who don't know, Craig has accepted a transfer with the Dept. of Defense and we'll be moving to the northern suburbs of Detroit in the end of May.) It would be rediculous for me to post the dates we'll be gone on the big old scary internet, but if any of you Michiganders want to get together when we're out there, call me and I'll let you know. It will be nice to get away from home for a bit before the craziness of selling our house starts.

*Craig and I have spent so much time together and it has been wonderful. I love love love that man. He is so good to me...but I don't want to spoil one of the posts I'm working on so that's all I'm saying.

*Madison is coming this weekend! Oh how I've missed my girl. She's been in England with her grandparents for spring break, so she wasn't here last weekend. We've talked on the phone a few times, but I can't wait to hug her. When it comes to stepdaughters, I'm blessed with the best!

*I am still accepting reservations for lunch dates. My schedule is filling up quickly and am down to only about 4 openings per week so for best selection you should put in your requests early. =)

*Spring is here! We've really enjoyed getting out for walks. Craig has begun digging in the landscaping bricks so that we can put mulch around the trees and bushes in our yard. He's doing a great job, but it is going to take a long time to finish.

*Beginning in mid April, I will be watching Judge Judy faithfully until the episode airs that depicts the fate of one Craig's comrades who evidently sees no other way to get back what is rightfully his. All I can ask is WHY???

*We were given a beautiful fresh cut tulip and lily bouquet after coming home from the hospital. I sent at least 2 blooming lilies and 5 unopened buds home with my sister to take to the cemetary where my dad is buried, but there are now approximately 15 opened flowers and 9 more buds that are threatening to open any day. I had to move them out of the family room because they're so highly scented. Now they're in the dining room where we can still see and enjoy them, but don't have to experience the lily induced high. Whoa those suckers are strong.

I think that is it for now. Have a good one, all.
~M

That scary Tuesday--Part 1

2010-03-19T22:48:00.003-05:00

..I was at home and talking to Craig on the phone. He was in Alabama at a logistics in engineering conference for work. My stomach was feeling exceptionally bloated. I felt some occasional minor cramps. Not a big deal. My abdomen had been rounding out and I was really starting to show. This being my first pregnancy, I thought that maybe it was just the ligaments stretching and causing a little discomfort. I at that point had lost over 20 pounds and had not worn maternity pants that day. Maybe my pants were just a little too tight...

I put Craig on hold and went to the bathroom. While there, I felt a little more pressure inside and felt a dropping sensation low in my belly. Hmmm. My instincts finally started to kick in. I told Craig what was going on and that I was going to call my Midwife. I told him I'd call him back as soon as I knew something and, as I have trained myself to do when something doesn't seem right, remained calm.

45 minutes later I left to drive the 6 blocks to the OB office. There wasn't a midwife there that day, so I would be seeing one of the doctors. That was A-OK with me. The waiting room was crowded and as I took a seat I became a little anxious. I had no idea why. I can only remember one other time in my life when I had anxiety...when I got the phone call about my dad's accident, the return of that memory just increased the anxiousness within me.

By the time I got to the exam room I knew I was in trouble. Over the course of the next 45 minutes I experienced the most excruciating pain that I have ever had. Pain that was not even defined to one area of my body, but everywhere. At one point I told the nurse that I needed to sit up. Big mistake. I sat for about 5 seconds before I started to pass out. The nurse helped me lay back down as darkness surrounded me. My arms and legs went numb and cold as my head and torso began to sweat profusely. It was another one of those moments that I wished I wasn't a nurse. I knew what was happening...I've seen it too many times. I had lost too much blood and was going into shock. My body was shutting down circulation to my legs and arms. This would conserve my blood supply in my head, chest, and abdomen allowing my vital organs to get what they needed. I was in trouble. I needed more help and quick or things could get really bad. My thoughts were clear and deliberate. I did the only two things that I could do at that point...I kept breathing and started to pray, knowing that the baby wasn't big enough to survive without me and wondering whether I was strong enough to survive without it. I remember being very specific with God. It was pretty much one of those "Here is the list of things I need from You, Lord. Thank you. Amen" That prayer definitely did not fit the A.C.T.S profile that I usually use, but I think that God understood that I need to get to the point! I prayed for four things: the baby to be OK, the pain to subside, the bleeding to stop, and for peace from the fear that had began to invade my soul. Within seconds, my mind had cleared, the pain was lifted, and the bleeding slowed. God is funny like that, but sometimes I wish that He didn't wait for me to ask! :) I was told that I had delivered. Devastated, I asked to see my baby to which the nurse said that it just looked like "a big blood clot and tissue." I'll never forget those words. I knew at that moment that she was incorrect (it turns out she WAS mistaken) I knew that the baby's body was fully formed and it should be about the size of my hand. It would be recognized among mass of tissue and clotting blood. My baby was still under my heart. I could just tell it...and I even thought I felt a little kicking, but with everything that had just happened I could not be sure. Finally, I had a quick chance to call Craig and ask him to get home ASAP.

The next thing I knew there were at least 8 people crammed into the tiny exam room. The room was 8 foot by 10 foot max and there were several nurses, a couple of doctors, 2 paramedics, a stretcher, an exam table, and me. No one but me had room to take a deep breath. My mind was clear again and I felt calm and peaceful. I thanked God for answering and prayed again that the baby would be ok.

2010-03-17T06:03:00.007-05:00

This is the fourth morning in a row that I have awaken at 4:30 AM compelled to delve into my journey through the book of Job. Although originally I very much preferred to sleep through the night, I am now at a place where I very much enjoy this time with the Lord. (Please do not misunderstand and think that I am becoming a morning person--I would still highly recommend ignoring me until you get an "all clear" sign indicating that I will not attempt to ruin your life if you talk to me) Today I finished the chapters of Job. I've heard the story many times before but it was like this morning was the first time that I ever read the ending. Everything that had been taken from Job was returned--much of it twofold. His faithfulness was rewarded in a way that he never dreamed. This story gives me hope, and I am humbled that our sweet Christopher Job shares in the namesake of this steadfast man serving as a reminder that no matter how much loss or pain or reason that you feel you have to be angry, hurt, or reject God He will be faithful to you if you trust Him through the storm. Our storm is far from over--in some ways it seems like it hasn't even started yet--but there is hope on the horizon. It is still seems so far away, but where there is hope, peace may be found.

One week ago I woke up at this time of morning and realized that my hand was positioned on my still-stretched abdomen with my thumb out and middle and ring fingers folded tightly to my palm. The sign language symbol for love was over where my baby slept tucked deep inside of me. I have so much love for this child. Love that didn't die when his heart stopped. Love that only grows in depth each day as I reflect on how much I have poured myself into his being. A mother's love. Love that he reciprocated back to me in his still, silent gesture when he was born with his arms gently folded across his tiny chest...the only way that he could tell me that he loved me, too. Thanks for that, Lord!

In the depths of my soul there is a peace. I just know that we'll heal from this someday. We'll never forget, but we'll heal. My mind, though, is a different story. I have no idea what is going on in there or how to process those emotions. I feel guilt when I have reprieve from my grief long enough to find the strength to go for a walk or engage in meaningful conversation with a friend without crying. I feel like I am not missing my son enough when I do something that I enjoy. My mind tricks me into thinking that if I am not sad about missing him all the time then I am forgetting him and moving on all too soon. I miss my CJ (it was only a matter of time before his mommy shortened it) more than you could know and each day becomes one day longer since I've held him or saw his sweet face. Even when my eyes are dry my heart weeps at the very whisper of anything related to him, and since my world and thoughts started to embrace becming a mom, everything around me seems to relate back to him and to our loss. A loss that on some sweet day will be as peaceful in mind as it is in my soul. Someday a long time from now.

OK, that's it for now. I'm going back to bed. My mind and body need some more rest to face another day. As I finish this post I am curled up in my bed with my prayer shawl so ready to drift off. Good night and love to all.
~M

2010-03-15T23:34:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling that I'm going to be blogging quite a bit. I am used to keeping pretty busy, but am off work for 6 weeks and am content for the time being with the cleanliness of my house. To top it off I am still feeling quite lightheaded at times, so venturing off on my own is not an option yet. However, sitting in my chair with my laptop--that is something I can handle!

Craig and I have both felt so uplifted by the prayers, phone calls, visits, and encouraging notes left on the blog, e-mail, or facebook. One thing I have really struggled with is feeling so alone. My rounded abdomen is flattening out and my empty body reminds me often that I have recently given birth. I know that in time things will physically start feeling normal again, but for now each pain and cramp prompts me to remember that I am a mother with a baby only to love, not to hold or care for. Those physical aches are bad enough, but are nothing compared to the pain in my heart.

Today was beautiful. Craig had to pick up some Primerica paperwork so I rode along. We had the sunroof open and it was wonderful just to let the warm sun shine in my face while he was in the office. I'm so thankful that the weather has been lovely--it is so refreshing. We also walked 1.5 mile round trip to Hy-Vee and back. It seemed like it was a doable distance but I was thankful for a nice bench and plenty of time to rest on the way home. We set out just for batteries and laughed as we brought home batteries, a sympathy card, tylenol, and sushi. This evening we went to a movie. It seems strange in a way to be going out when this is still so fresh, but I know that all too soon the waves of loss will find me and we do need to take tender care of eachother, too. I'll write a post soon telling you all just how wonderful my husband is. :)

I need to wrap it up for now-tomorrow has all of the makings to be a difficult day (I'll probably blog again to explain), but just wanted to ask you all to hold our friends Matt and Christy in prayer. Matt's mom lost her battle with cancer on the same day that Christopher died. It is good for us to remember that we are not the only ones dealing with the pain of loss.

Thanks for listening,
~M

Job

2010-03-14T16:31:00.008-05:00

Last night I couldn't sleep. As I laid there hearing nothing but the steady breathing of my sleeping husband I was overcome by a deep desire to hold my Christopher. As tried to coerce my mind back to rest I began to pray. My thoughts were so scattered and sporadic I couldn't even focus enough to make a sentence. I couldn't decide whether I was angry at God for giving me my heart's desire and then taking it away, or whether I wanted to praise Him for the time I was given to carry my son and hold him. Or maybe a little of both.
Downstairs I found Christopher's little hat. He looked so cute with it on. The smell of it made me feel so close to him. I talked to him for a little while--telling him how much I love him and miss him. Telling him of how I wished I could go back in time to last Sunday when I could feel his gentle kicks within me, and how I was so happy for him that he was with Jesus and didn't have to ever suffer the pain of this world....among other more personal thoughts.
I reached for my Bible and headed back upstairs. The book of Job opened before me and spoke to my heart. Completely drawn in, I began to realize the magnitude of Job's loss in just his first test of faithfulness by Satan. EVERYTHING that he had and continually gave thanks for had been taken away, yet his response? "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." I did lose something so special and I am hurting--sometimes more than I feel I can bear, but I have still been given so much. Praise to God needed to come from within me, also. I drifted off with a strong desire to attend worship this morning.
With no alarm set, I woke up at 8:45 and asked Craig if he thought we could still make the 9:30 service. As we raced through the shower and I attempted to make some sense of order to my hair, we arrived just a little late and found a seat near the back--perfect. With tears of loss and gratitude welling in my eyes and a little remaining weakness in my knees I sang one of my favorite songs "In Christ Alone." (click for lyrics)
Just before the end of the service the people on the end of our pew got up and left an opening for us to get out. Thanks, God, for giving us the break we needed. As we left the parking lot my soul had been recharged. God had been praised, and my sweet little Christopher Job was expeiencing his first Sunday in Heaven.

Note to self:

2010-03-12T14:28:00.002-06:00

Note to self: Do not get your hair cut on the day you are discharged from the hospital if: A.) You can't drive yourself there. B.) You've also done a transaction at a funeral home the same day. C.) The hairdresser asks you what kind of cut you want and you stare at her blankly for a few seconds before you say something to the effect of "You have nice hair--anything is fine." or D.) While waiting 10 minutes for your cut you forget your name and why you are there.

The lady asked me how short I wanted to go and I remember saying "Oh, about right here would be good." I have no idea where I was pointing but evidently it was somewhere near my ear. I also vaguely remember telling her that she could go a little shorter to which she took a deep breath and said that she wouldn't do it, but would be glad to take a little more off tomorrow if I still wanted shorter.

I spent 45 minutes this morning trying to come up with the least crappy version of my new mess. I won't be going shorter. Thanks lady for saving me from further embarassmet.

Today has been going pretty well. Craig and I both slept wonderfully and that helps. I know from past experience, though, that the worst will hit a little later. For the moment, though, it just feels good to be home and rested.

Going home

2010-03-11T22:26:00.004-06:00

It seems in some ways that each day gets a little more difficult. I woke up several times in the night to relieve myself of the effects of all the IV fluid and often found myself stopping to hold my son for a bit resting peacefully in his little blanket. With the glow of the nightlight he just looked like a little angel. A very little angel.

The baptism was very meaningful. My mom, Craig's parents, and dear friends (two of whom are also our pastors) were there. We had a time of sharing our thoughts and perspectives on the the loss of Christopher. It was beautiful and regret deeply that my emotional state does not allow me to remember a lot of what was said. Hopefully in time those memories will come back...

We left the hospital shortly after noon. All through the morning I kept trying to figure out how I could possibly leave this little one behind when it was time to go, but when the time came to hold him one last time I once again felt empowered with strength and peace. It was time to go and Craig and I both realized it at the same time. With more love than I ever have thought possible we kissed our baby goodbye.

It felt good to be home. I even was able to take a short nap before we went to the funeral home. I am so sick of those places I almost puked. This is the third funeral home in barely over a year. My body went numb. I was so grateful that Craig could convey our wishes because I had no words. I couldn't comprehend even basic discussion. I could point and confirm--that was it. It was like Craig was reading my mind and saying all the thoughts that were trapped inside of me. Normally, this wouldn't be a good thing, but today it was great. Perhaps at some point I will feel ready to post more about the decisions that we made there, but not tonight.

The airline called and said that Craig's lost luggage had been found--Whew! His laptop, the GPS (affectionately known as Bonnie) and a lot of his dress clothes were in there, so it was a relief to have that turn up. Craig and I drove out to the airport to pick it up. It felt good to do something that seemed normal. On the way home we stopped to get haircuts. I went way short for me and will probably have some regrets in the morning, but it was nice to just feel refreshed and normal. Of course the hairdresser asked the inevitable "do you have kids?" to which my pre-planned response was "We have a really cute rabbit." Not at all an answer to her question, but a nice change of subject. We spent the rest of the time talking about pets. Perfect!

I keep thinking "I'm just going to blog a little bit tonight" and the next thing I know it is late. I am feeling good, but am easily reminded that my blood volume isn't what is should be yet. My levels had dropped again this morning and I'm thinking that laying in my own bed sounds pretty wonderful. Good night, and thanks to all of you for your prayers and support. We can really reel that we are being held up by the power of so many prayers right now.

March 10, 2010

2010-03-10T22:13:00.004-06:00

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Today was among the toughest days of my life. Last night I had an ultrasound and saw our baby's heartbeat. As long as there was a heartbeat, there was life. Today Craig and I watched as that tiny heart lay still and silent. Craig held me tight as quiet tears gave way to uncontrolled sobs and wretching. Yet, somehow I felt a peace.

At 4:40 this afternoon our baby boy arrived. Although he never would get the chance to breathe his first breath he is perfect as can be. He has ten little fingers and toes and perfectly defined features. He weighed in at 5.3 ounces and 16 centimeters long. He was born with his tiny arms crossed on his chest. Truly amazing and beautiful. Holding this baby in my arms and telling him how loved he is and how proud I was to call him my son made it all worth it. All of the morning sickness, all of the pain, all the tears, everything. We have been so blessed.

Tomorrow morning we will have him baptized with water from the Jordan River--the same river water that Jesus was baptized in. His grandma and grandpa Riedel are on their way, and grandma Nieuwsma is here. Then, somehow, we'll say goodbye. I have no idea how to do that.

Sure, we are sad beyond measure, but at the same time know that this is all going to be OK. God has been so very good to us, even in this. Things could have been much worse. I am doing well and will probably be discharged tomorrow. Labor went quickly and without complications. We will get through somehow, and will count our blessings by these tiny little handprints--no bigger than my thumbnail that are forever imprinted on our hearts.

We have given him the name Christopher Job Riedel. Christopher after his daddy (that is Craig's middle name) and Job because Job endured many many struggles before his faithfulness to God was rewarded. Oh he's so beautiful.

Today

2010-03-09T22:42:00.004-06:00

I am going to keep this short. Let me start by saying that God is good. All the time. Always.
Today I learned that this baby that I have been carrying and have learned to love so much will not survive. I have had some complications and was taken by ambulance to the hospital, where I will be until our baby is born. Craig is in Alabama and has booked the next available flight home, which will arrive at noon tomorrow. Mom is here with me. I have lost a lot of blood but have stabalized and am now comfortable. The doctor has warned that I could go into labor at any time, but I am really praying that that won't happen until Craig can be here.

I can't begin to put into words how I am feeling (perhaps because things haven't really set in yet). Heartbroken is a good start, though. I know that in this, too, God has a plan and His plan is not to watch us hurt, but (as Uncle Duane said at Dad's funeral) to turn this bad thing also into something good, just as He has already done for Dad...and for Kimmi....and soon for this baby.

Please don't think for a minute that this is all some cruel mistake. Nothing about this baby has been a mistake, and for the last 17 weeks it has brought so much joy to our lives. Although this is clearly not what we would have chosen, this is all part of our journey to becoming a family, and God is completely in control.

That's enough for now. I am exhausted and my body needs rest to face tomorrow. For tonight, I am resting in the knowledge that I will have the strength through grace to receive what I need for each moment. I can so clearly recall the view from the mountaintop between the valley of my dad's death and now this.

One last thought....I am comforted with the thought of knowing that this baby won't be going to a heaven full of strangers, but grandpa, some great grandparents, and an aunt who will be eager to care for it until its parents arrive.

I remember

2010-03-04T17:09:00.007-06:00

~I remember the first time that Craig brought me to Omaha to meet his family. He had told me (among other things) in the car not to be alarmed by his sister's size. She was very short and petite and had just turned 16.

~I remember when we got to their house for the first time. Kimmi wasn't there for long. Her and Shawna were "going out." She was all dolled up with her long blond hair looking so pretty.

~I remember when Craig's mom, Kimmi, her friend Kim, and I all went up to the Mall of America for a weekend. Craig was interning in Minneapolis and Evelyn and I were walking around the mall with one walkie talkie trying to get ahold of the Kims who had the other one. I'll never forget that "KIMMIE--THIS IS YOUR MOM--ANSWER ME AND TELL ME WHERE
YOU ARE!" (walkie talkies don't work at the Mall.)

~I remember when on the way home from that trip we had to wait in the drive through window of McDonalds for the employees to warm up her bag of dialysate fluid.

I remember when we got married. Kim was at the guest book table with Craig's sister in law in her cute purple dress.

~I remember when Kim got her second transplant and could put the years of CAPD (dialysis) behind her. We later went to Colorado and spent a day at Waterworld. So much fun.

~I remember when Kim got Licorice, her little black kitty from Paul for Christmas

~I remember when I went to WalMart with her late one night. That was the first (and thankfully last) time I ever experienced her driving firsthand.

~I remember sitting around the table listening to the latest drama in Kim's life...she got pulled over again for not looking old enough to drive...someone slashed her tires...Craig had tied her to a chair and denied her food when he was supposed to be babysitting her as a child...etc.

~I remember when Kim became the official family potato masher. Never a lump in them taters.

~I remember decorating easter eggs.

~I remember Kim graduating from highschool. We bought her a lavendar stethescope to use in her college courses.

~I remember Kim highlighting Craig's hair. Even our rabbits were scared of him when he got home.

~I remember the sound of her clicking her tongue piercing.

~I remember Christmas 2008. Quiet and simple. It was her favorite holiday. She was making peanut butter balls to take to the dialysis center the next morning, as well as some stinky dog treats. Life was normal.

~I remember thinking that she seemed much more frail, and that she needed to get another transplant soon.

~I remember getting the call from Bob that things hadn't gone well in surgery and knowing that we needed to get to Omaha.

~I remember spending a week at the hospital not knowing whether she was going to make it or not, but sensing an increasing feeling of dread.

~I remember Kimmi coming home with hospice. She was laying in her bed with her big blue eyes wide open.

~I remember when her eyes closed and her body came to rest.

~I remember March 3, 2009...the day Kimmi died.

But more imporantly...

~I remember the way that she lived.

Even though a year has now passed and the shock has given way to sadness and loss, I continue to miss Kim, and will always remember these good times and so many more.

Dreaming...

2010-02-27T17:50:00.000-06:00

I am not one that typically remembers my dreams, but lately that has changed. I could make many guesses on why that could be, but mainly I think it is tied to getting up in the night to go to the bathroom.

Here are a few of my recent dreams:

I dreamed that I was at the Iowa State Fair and was supposed to have a baby any day. I missed the shuttle that transports back to the campground and decided that a walk would do me some good. My back was killing me by the time I made it to the top of the "big hill" when I remembered that Mom had traded our camping spot and I had taken the wrong way, therefore, I couldn't find it. My cellphone only had one bar left and went dead before Mom answered the phone. I, of course, had to go to the bathroom but it was closed and had to steal a golf cart to try to find the camper. All the while my back was killing me and no one would help.

I have dreamed that I engaged in a deviled egg eating contest at work. I was apparantly the only contender, but in my dream-like state it was all ok. Someone had brought in a tray of chocolates, fruits and veggies with dip, and (of course) deviled eggs. I was told by one of the PA's that I work with that they weren't very good, but that didn't stop me from trying one. Of course I was pregnant and started to gag (which I really would do if I had to eat a deviled egg right now) and in an effort to not make the nurse that had brought the tasty treats in feel bad, I had another. And another. Until I puked. The end.

I also dreamed that I was working at a camp for the elderly that was being held at a warehouse similar to Sam's Club. It was late when I went to bed and someone had mixed up the room assignments. I was left to share a room with an elderly guy who volunteers as a transporter at work. I elected to sleep on a mat on the floor rather than share the bed with him, knowing that the floor mat was likely soaked in urine by the elderly camper lady that had slept in the room the night before. Although I was exhausted and very nauseated from smelling the pee, I fell asleep only to be awakened by housekeeping who told me that she would clean the mat for me, but it would take 2 hours to dry. I agreed. Then she charged me $50 bucks and took the mat away when I realized that I had no money. I reluctantly asked for another pee-soaked mat, but was furious because here this guy was sleeping in MY bed when I was going to have a baby any day and was dead tired.

Not only is this baby wreaking havoc on my love of chocolate, but now it is invading my sleep! Oh it is so worth it, though!

Miscellaneous

2010-02-19T18:31:00.003-06:00

Since I have announced our pregnancy I have been amused by some of the things people have said. Among my favorites is "Oh, I suspected because I saw you eating ice cream" which is not uncommon for me. I have also been a little ticked at times. Some may blame it on rising horomones, but in all fairness, this is NOTHING compared to pre-pregnancy levels. =) I just think that it is a little odd that people that I really don't know that well comment on my chest size. I haven't really noticed much of a change, and am not excited about other people pointing out their observations. However, a few things have changed. For example, my belly button. It is smooshed. This doesn't really strike me as much of a problem, but it is kind of strange and I hope that it someday goes back to the way it used to be.

I was watching along on Skype as Madison told my nieces about the baby. The girls all looked rather confused about how Madison was going to become a big sister before Megan broke the silence by saying "I want to see Missy's stomach...Is she fat yet?" Maddie's response? "I don't know....the last time I saw her she was only semi-fat." Thanks for that, Madison. Truth be told, I lost 15 pounds in my first trimester and haven't put any of it back on yet. There has been a definite shift in how my clothes fit, and I'm sure that one of these days I'll get my appetite back. Maybe then something other than milk, Starburst, pineapple, and Hotdogs (not together) will sound good. All in all, things are going very well and I'm feeling pretty good...as long as I'm not anywhere near toothpaste, which is beyond completely disgusting.

Oh, and one more random thought for the road: Madison announced that she has started training for an olympic gold medal in ice skating. Her training regimen includes eating ramen noodles, a carrot, and a banana for lunch. In addition to the rigorous food schedule, she is ice skating once a week and can now do a jump. We'll see how this all pans out.

I think that is it for now. I hope that all is well for each of you.

Once upon a time...

2010-02-14T12:07:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time there was a young girl growing up on a farm in south central Iowa. She was the youngest of the three children and enjoyed the good life. She had a large and supportive extended family and a very close immediate family. Family ties ran deep regardless of the long distances that sometimes had to be traveled to see eachother. The girl was raised in a household of strong faith and a lot of laughter. In her teen years she worked a couple of odd jobs to make a little extra money and went on some youth group trips--sealing her faith. After high school she moved off the farm, got a job at a new hardware store in her new town, and started college, studying nursing, which complimented her caring nature and compassion for others.

On the other side of the Missouri river, a young boy was living a similar, yet different childhood. He lived near the city of Omaha and spent his days riding his bike and looking for a little mischief as most young boys do. He was the second of 3 children. In his teen years he excelled at football and ROTC, earning the reputation as a perfectionist with a big heart. After high school he crossed the Missouri into the great state and began his college career studying Mechanical Engineering. In his small amount of spare time, he worked at Menards.

This is where their paths crossed. There, in the back aisles of the Millwork department between customers, unloading inventory, and the occasional strong man compititions (back when we chicks didn't care that it was strong man instead of strongperson) slowly but surely a romance blossomed. Within 2 years they were planning a wedding. The wedding was lovely and the couple began their life together and with the young man's young daughter.

The years were good to them. They graduated and moved to the Mississippi River valley to begin their careers and continued their marital bliss. Close contact was kept with their respective families and many joys were celebrated...the birth of nieces, the purchase of their first home, and settling into an ideal church family to name a few. Along the road they also grieved the loss together of 2 grandfathers and a grandmother. In one particularly devastating year they lost a sister and a father. Near the end of that year they learned that the year would not end in sadness. Though the past had held loss of life, the future showed much hope for new life in the form of a baby due in August 2010!!! After 9 1/2 years and counting of marriage, life was still good and they couldn't be more excited to continue on in their journey.

Tomorrow and randoms

2010-02-02T20:17:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow will be a good day. I get to shower in my own shower after a few days of using the guest shower as our master bath was in a state of remodel. Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. YIPPEE! I only have 1 patient to see...so far...it will probably change! And the best of all??? My Mommy is coming to my house!! On Thursday we are going to head to Michigan to spend some time with my aunt and hopefully cousins!) while my uncle is away on a trip.

I am looking forward to this for a few reasons. First of all I get my mom all to myself for a 6 hour car ride. I'm sure that we'll find some good reasons to share a laugh and maybe a tear. I look forward to just being with her. Second, I am really excited to see my aunt. Last fall we went to Branson with this aunt (and uncle) and had a wonderful time, and I love to watch how my mom and her just "click." Although they are both the "inlaws" of the family, in a lot of ways they are truly like sisters.

Yeah for tomorrow!

We finished the bathroom remodel and it turned out as good as if not better than expected. Tan-ish walls, light oak wood grain laminate flooring, bright white tub, toilet, sink, and trim, a warm and rich dark brown tile in the shower with matching countertop, pewter fixtures, and a splash of burgundy in towels and rugs. Perfect.

Maddie was here last weekend and we just had a really nice family time. She opted to stay home and help dad with the bathroom project instead of going to a friend's house to play. We shared a lot of laughs--such a sweet girl. I miss her so much when she is not here.

We did have a little excitement early Sunday morning. I was awakened from a very deep sleep convinced that a helicopter was trying to land on my bed. It was loud and my room was shaking. I jumped up and looked out the window--nothing. I screamed at Craig in my very alarmed and panicked voice "WHAT IS GOING ON??" to which he jumped up laughing a little and promptly unplugged his air compressor, which he had used to air nail the trim in the bathroom. Evidently it had decompressed just enough to warrant running the motor and restoring the pressure at 1:00 in the morning. He felt bad for laughing at me but said that the look on my face was hilarious. I didn't see the humor and fell back asleep shortly after my heartrate dropped back down below 500. Oh the woes of remodeling. We will now make rounds before we go to bed to ensure that this never repeats itsself. I was so scared.

I think that is it for now. The Biggest Loser is now on and demands that I give my undivided attention. Good night, all!

Not the best

2010-01-21T19:28:00.003-06:00

OK, so I need to vent a little. I had my annual evaluation at work this week. My boss complimented my work performance, told me that my attendance was outstanding, said what an asset I was to the hospital, gave me my raise details and then....I could not believe it....she said "I know that you have had a lot going on personally, but I do have to say that this has not been your best year." I just stared at her blankly as she smiled back a fake smile. Not my best year? Do you think? My blood started to boil just a little.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life. I forced myself to show up to work everyday and try to focus on my work. I tried SO hard to not let Kim's passing or my Dad's accident interfere with my work world. Other things were going on in life that changed me. Yet I went to work. I did my job. I placed more than 400 PICC lines. I made small talk and comforted my patients when they were apprehensive about the procedure or their health. I educated. I even joined a committee to improve a process and served as a resource for many nurses and even management. I gave whatever was left in me to give to my patients.
I've been a nurse for 13 years. I've seen a few people come into the world and many people bid the world goodnight. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for what happens in your heart and head when people that you care so deeply about die. It changes you. Forever. Sometimes those changes may affect all aspects of your life. Our society gives us 3 days to mourn, grieve, and get over it. It took me a little longer and I won't make any excuses or pretend that it is not ok to let letting go of these extremely special people to change me a little. Yep. Last year was not my best.
Thanks for listening,
~M

Christmas, cows, and birthdays.

2010-01-05T21:52:00.004-06:00

I just realized that I have not posted on my blog for nearly a month. This has been a crazy time. Let's just say the ususal...it's not easy being me! :) We have traveled across Iowa and Illinois more than once trying to make it to various Christmas celebrations. This weekend we're heading to my Mom's to have our family Christmas. This happened to be the only time between December and January that we could get our schedules coordinated.

Saturday will be a bittersweet day. My mom has decided to sell the cows and on Saturday the buyer is coming to pick them up. Part of me is happy knowing that the herd will stay together and that the buyers have a reputation of taking great care of their livestock, but sad at the same time. Those cows meant so much to my dad and parting with anything important to him is a reminder of the reality of just how much life has changed.

On the up side, there are also 7 heifers that Dad was particularly fond of. Mom is going to keep them, expecting them to calf in April. I am really glad that she made that decision. I can't imagine going to the farm and not seeing any black cows littering the pasture. Maybe it is selfishness, but that's something I just don't feel ready to let go of yet.

Sunday is also my Dad's birthday. He would have been 62. Oh how I miss that man and what wouldn't I give for just a little more time!

Random Tears

2009-12-06T21:47:00.004-06:00

It has been a while since I've posted and even now I am really struggling to put my thoughts into words. Things have really been tough lately. Emotions are very close to the surface and tears seem to fall at the most random of times. There are so many thoughts in my head fighting for a place in the front of my mind. Fatigue and tiredness consumes me by day, but sleep evades me by night. The holidays are upon us and what used to be greatly anticipated is now met with uncertainty.
This is the first time ever in my life that it seems that more is going wrong than going right. I know that good things are happening and know that I am so blessed, but they are clouded by all the cold realities of my life. Kimmi and Dad are gone. Christmas will be here in 2 1/2 weeks. Our relationship with Madison is becoming more long distant. My job has left me feeling burnt out. It all--and then some--is true and there is not a darn thing that I can do about any of it so I must simply trust.
Trust that this all makes sense to God, becuase it certainly does not to me. Trust that He will see me through to a life that seems normal again. Life has forever changed in many ways, but will somehow find a new normal. Trust that my mind will again start to focus on what is important. Trust that my heart will somehow stop hurting so much. And trust that one of these times there will be a few less random tears.

Branson

2009-11-13T23:07:00.001-06:00

I went into this week with mixed emotions. Excitement to get away from home for a bit and spend time with my mom and extended family, but a little reluctant, knowing that we were going to Branson on a trip that my dad had planned when life was normal. On the drive down I was inundated with thoughts of things Dad would say or do or how much he'd be enjoying the company or how he'd be helping the driver to take the very best route. When we checked into the condo my mind was flooded with memories of all the times that we had traveled there with Mom and Dad. When we went with Mom to talk with the timeshare people about how it all works I nearly cried when the rep talked about considering removing Dad's name from the deed. As we entered the theater to go to the Pierce Arrow concert I missed having my dad there--seeing the excitement on his face as he got ready to watch a show that he enjoyed so much. Once the concert started, I missed hearing his laughter at the comedian who was very funny. When we went mini putting it I was thinking about last spring when Craig and I went to Branson with Mom and Dad and we putted at least 20 holes until we were so tired that we were falling over--in a still slightly deformed bush to be exact. Dad loved his golf--mini or regular.
Maybe it's being around my aunts and uncles on the N side. Maybe it is going places that we used to go together for the first time without him. Maybe it is just because I miss my dad that has made this trip difficult, but it has also been wonderful.
Wonderful because I get to see little reminders of my dad in my aunts and uncles--a smile, a twinkle in an eye, a clever pun. Wonderful because we talk a little about him and grandpa and some of our best memories, and wonderful because we are going to my cousin Megan's wedding tomorrow.
I remember wehn Megan was very little. Her parents were living near us at the time and her mom babysat me on occasion. I was very concerned that her mom wouldn't have time for me anymore and she had just taught me how to fold socks. In retrospect maybe she was just coercing a little child labor to help get her laundry done, but at the time, learning to fold socks was pretty cool. I have very few if any memories of Megan as a young kid without her Cabbage Patch Kid, Roy. It is neat to see her all grown up and ready to get married. I am so glad that she has found love. Congratulations to Megan and Scott.
That's all for now.
~M

Psalm 100

2009-11-09T03:02:00.005-06:00

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth. Sometimes, Lord, it is hard to be joyful when the pain of life weighs so heavy on our hearts. Please help me to be joyful. Worship the Lord with gladness. Gladness to me means with a willing heart. I will worship you with a willing, but broken heart, Oh Lord! Come into His presence with joyful song. His presence. What a wonderful place to be. So serene and simple. Know that the Lord is God. I know, trust me, I know. It is He who made us. In His image He created us. Not evolution, not the big bang, GOD. We are His. We were purchased with his blood and belong to Him. We are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Lord, you know us as a shepherd knows his sheep. You know my hurt and fear. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Just as Dad has already, I too will enter those gates with gratitude and adoration. Give thanks to Him and bless His name. Thank you, God for all of the blessings you've given. Thank you for the memories of the past, the comfort in the present, and the hope for the future. For the Lord is Good. Is he ever. The best. His steadfast love endures forever and His faithfulness to all generations. God, You have been faithful. Your love has never left us, even for a moment. You were faithful to my grandparents, to my parents, to me, and will be to my children. Thank you for that. Psalm 100.

Mom and I have been working on memorizing this scripture. It was printed on the back of the memorial folder for Dad's funeral. Currently, it is 3:00 AM. My body is exhausted and craving sleep, but my mind won't let me rest tonight. It has now been just over 8 weeks since my dad died, and in so many ways it still does not seem real. Now more than ever I just yearn to sit down and have a talk with my dad. I have so much I want to tell him. I don't even know where I'd start, but I just want to be near him. I want to see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his love.
I've heard it said that in times like this the only people that don't get angry are the ones who didn't have a relationship. At this point, I have to admit that I am a little angry...maybe even more than a little. Not at anyone or anything in particular, but at the situation as it is. I am daunted by the evasive answer to the ever-present question of WHY? Why now? Why him? Why me? Why why why. For a long time I tried to not ask why, but have now learned that all change begins with a question. If I don't question why, then I can't find the solution to "How." How do I move on? How do I honor my dad's memory without reliving all of the hurt? How long until I feel normal again? How will our family ever adjust to this loss? How how how?

My Craig

2009-11-07T20:45:00.008-06:00

My Craig. Sometimes I can't believe how blessed I am to have this man in my life. He is so good to me. Today he spent the entire day outside making our yard look nice. He raked up and bagged the leaves--9 bags so far and a few to finish tomorrow. He dug up the last of the stumps of those darn mulberry trees that keep growing up in our lilac bushes with his shovel and chain saw. He trenched in some more of the landscaping bricks. And that was just one day. He's always doing something around here!
At his "for pay" job he supports the Army as a Program Manager. He is currently working on MRAP support equipment and also the Hydraulic systems test and repair unit. If you want to know more details, you'll just have to ask him, though, because all of the military acronyms and technical talk makes no sense to me. I do know that he earns "excellence" awards at work complete with certificates, for which I just received reprimand--Craig informed me that he has only worked for PMSKOT for 3 weeks and already received and award and certificate, and in our 9 years and 3 months of marriage I have never supplied him with a certificate for anything. I'm working on that.
Craig also volunteers with the youth group and is active in Primerica where he recently became licensed in life insurance, securities, and mortgages. Somewhere in there he also makes time to spend with Maddie and I and has been a big help to my mom in assisting her with Dad's insurances and paperwork. I am VERY proud of him and all that he has accomplished.
With that being said, there are a few fine points that we are working on. Craig is trying to make a little less noise while eating potato chips, and I am happy to report that his average crunch is down to about 50 decibels from an all time high of 90, so hearing protection is no longer required. We are also in the process of acknowledging that there is a problem with the sleep walking/talking/waking me up. The past few nights he has woke me around 3 am by putting his arm around me, pulling me close, and saying that he loves me. While the initial gesture is nice, the incessant rubbing of my arm that follows is just plain annoying. To top it off, when I tell him to roll over and leave me alone, he then blames ME for waking HIM up. Like I said, we're working on it.
Seriously, though. If I believed in luck, I would consider myself the luckiest woman on earth, but I guess I'll refer to it as blessed instead. So blessed that he is my husband, my soul mate, my love. He takes good care of me and provides well for our little family. I can hardly wait to share the next stage of our lives together...whatever that may be. I love you, Craig!

Mediacom

2009-11-02T22:32:00.006-06:00

Dear Mediacom,
It was been a pleasure being the victim of your screwed up policies today. I love it how you disconnect cable and internet service, then refer us to your website to review our account. That is fun to try to do. When I discuss with your "I can hardly speak your language and this is my first day off of orientation" customer service lady that it is impossible to review an account online when you can't GET online, the extra soothing voice and excessive use of "thank you Ms. Riedel" is very comforting. I needed some good old theraputic communication. That is why I called.
I am a little confused as to why our service was disconnected in the first place. Perhaps April was correct when she said that our check bounced, despite the fact that we didn't write a stinking check. Or maybe it was Jasmine that had it figured out when she told me that we never made a payment in the first place, which, according to your own records, was made on October 26th. Last but not least, I don't want to discredit Sasha as she attempted to explain that we had insufficient funds in our account. Funny how that could happen...we have overdraft protection, just in case the several hundred dollars we had in there wasn't enough. My very favorite, though, was Marie who kindly explained that they have a lot of people who don't pay their bill, so they have to disconnect their service. I kindly reminded her that for 5 years I have never had so much as a late payment and was apalled that my service was disconnected without even so much as a phone call. In my mind I was bracing myself and my mind cautioned her not to say it...but she did. They didn't have my phone number. THEY provide my stinking phone service. GRRRRR AHHHHH
Carol made me laugh when she listened to me vent about the rediculousness of all this and then prepared to transfer me to an "Internet Specialist." I don't think that she knows that she only thought she was talking to an internet techy when she told me all about how she had this "extremely pissed off customer that has already called 4 times and got stuck talking to the people who didn't know what they were doing and we really need to help so that she doesn't take this to management." Followed by "hello?? Is this internet support?" Following a couple of clicks she said "Ms. Riedel! I thought I lost you!" I heard the whole thing. :)
The internet service technicians, Danny and Donny, in their infinite wisdom instructed me to disconnect the router, which led to me losing my phone connection both times, even though they assured me that it would not.
After 2 hours of me freaking out on your people and 8 different calls, guess what! My internet came back on! As it turns out, we made a payment 2 weeks before the due date, none the less! Who reversed our payment setting this whole stupid thing in motion???? MEDIACOM!!! Evidently once the payment is reversed the service is disconnected without warning...even if it STILL isn't due for another week! Amazing! Thank you for providing such great service! It is nice to know that your policies reflect the best interest of those you serve.

Sincerely,
Your loyal customer,
Ms. Riedel

PS. Don't EVER take my internet away again without reason--or even with reason! My current emotional state does not allow for rational responses.

Randoms

2009-10-29T10:00:00.003-05:00

I have not posted a random blog post for a very long time, and there are some very random things that have happened lately. Here's a peek

*I witnessed a chunk of rotting potroast being extracted from someone's lung. The doc pulled it out with some long curved forceps and held it up in the air victorious--just before nearly losing his cookies after catching a whiff of the foul aroma. Poor guy--the patient, that is!

*I put a picc line in an arm that was nearly 2 feet in diameter. Yep. I'm that good :) It only took me one try! That is the largest arm that I have ever tapped. Sad, really.

* Craig recently traveled to Maryland, and I completely lost my mind when I couldn't reach him. I was beyond stressed with life and needed to talk to him, and when he didn't answer his cell, blackberry, or hotel room phone, I freaked. So did he when he returned to his room after a walk and found the security guard and custodian in his hotel room making sure that he was OK. Note to self: Be rational.

* My mom got internet. I thought that this would be a good thing, but now am not so sure. 3/4 of the nights this week (not exaggerating) we've been Skyping until after 11:00. It is good to see her getting the hang of it, but seriously, I miss my sleep! Ok, mom, I know you're reading this what I really mean is the following.

* My mom got internet. It is a great thing. I have gladly foregone many hours of sleep to assist her in finding the very best recipe for popcorn balls. :) I love you Mom! Really it has been fun.

*A few weeks ago my Mom, Sister, and I had our annual apple pie making day. We made 33 pies. MmmMMmm. It was exceptionally fun this year because Madison and my nieces all got involved in helping cut that apples. Those days are a lot of work, but create a ton of good memories.

* Our small group has started back up again YEAH. I love those people!

* I was invited and went to a Point of Grace/Mark Schultz concert. It was AWESOME and on the way back to the car we got to people watch everyone at the Insane Clown Posse..um... "concert?" across the street. Very entertaining. Too bad we didn't stay long enough to watch them spray the 800 gallons of ginger ale over the crowd that they had planned. Now THAT sounds like a good time? Ok, not really, that is just wierd.

I think that is all I have. My mind is still a little preoccupied and can't remember everything, but it has been a crazy month--but November is slated to be quite a lot crazier!!

Smile over a tear

2009-10-24T23:16:00.008-05:00

As I walked into the church the numbness surrounded me again. On some level it all still seemed like I was living someone else's life and just going through the motions of how I was supposed to feel. On another level I had a feeling that I couldn't put into words for the longest time...(until it was defined for me at a grief conference this week)...like something inside me imploded and left a huge, empty hole that left me gasping for air. Not just feeling a little faint and short of breath, but gasping.

I studied his face one last time trying to absorb every detail. I yearned again to exchange one more "I love you" or one more hug. The face of my father. How could I live the rest of my life without ever seeing him again? Tears stung at my eyes. No, I can't lose it now. I want to honor my daddy by sharing some of my best memories with him at the service, and if I let myself break now, that might not happen. Then it happened. I noticed it and started to giggle a little on the inside. My dad was wearing lipstick! Of course he was, that is something that funeral directors do to the deceased to make them look more "natural" but his lips were the most rosy pink and the more I looked at them the more it struck me funny. He looked like he'd been to a Mary Kay party. Grief is like that, I guess. There is a teetering between sadness and happiness. (I also learned at the grief seminar that this is where the word "Sappy" comes from. Sad+Happy=Sappy. It makes sense, I guess I just never thought about it). I had mixed emotions about the appropriateness of the final viewing of my dad ending in smiles, but then again my dad would choose a smile over a tear anyday, right?

The service was not sad for me. We sang How Great Thou Art and Uncle Duane perfectly blended memories of dad with a message of hope and salvation. Uncle David sang "There is a Redeemer" and "He Hideth My Soul" beautifully and it held much truth. The words that I had put together earlier in the day (seriously, I didn't have much time at all) turned out ok. At the end of the service we sang Amazing Grace. Oh my. It was THE MOST beautiful thing I have ever heard. Mom later said that she felt like she was in Heaven singing right along with Dad. I have never heard a song build like that and Aunt Sandy was on the piano putting beautiful frills and grace notes everywhere. It was lovely. I'm not trying to brag by any means, but this was just the kind of service that my daddy would have talked about for weeks.

Following the service we went to the cemetery for the burial. The weather could not have been more beautiful. As we gathered around the grave the colors of fall surrounded us. The golden corn, the green rolling hills, and the trees with just a scant blush of autumn in their leaves. We read some scriptures and sang the last verse of "When Peace Like a River" to cousin Andrew's saxophone accompaniment. That, too, seemed not so sad. It felt almost like a picnic out there. My mind had tuned out all sadness and was relishing in the thought that God had just allowed us to see just a hint of heaven and how happy dad must be. He gets to enjoy the beauty of God's grace and not have to wake up to a tomorrow of grief and longing.

Somewhere inside, I knew the joy that I felt that day would only last as a memory, and that there were tough days ahead. I just could not have imagined then how hard it would really be. But if God would fill me with joy even for the moment, it felt so refreshing.

Sidenote: There! I did it! I've been struggling with putting my thoughts to words for the funeral piece. I bet I started over at least 10 times, but here, on Saturday night beginning at 11:00 on another night where I can't fall asleep....grrr...it all came together. Yay! Now I can hopefully have a little closure on that chapter! And thank God for auto save. I thought I lost it...

Be Still

2009-10-20T09:23:00.004-05:00

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake To guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last. Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart And all is darkened in the vale of tears; Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears. Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay From His own fulness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

When I think about all of the things that have happened or are planned to happen in a short time, my heart breaks all over again and the depths of me wants to cry out "Why so MUCH?" My body tries to pummel my soul into a state of unrest, but, for some reason, this song places my mind in a gentle trance and brings me comfort. The words perfectly illustrate what I need to hear and what I truly believe.
This year has brought more than its share of struggles and loss. The deaths of both Kimmi and my dad are on my mind a lot, but there are other things going on in my life that bring me to my knees daily. Life has not been easy, but somehow through all of this I feel the gentle hand of God lifting my chin and giving me strength for each day.
Sometimes in the midst of loss and sadness we lose track of all of the good things that have happened, too. We have been so blessed even in this. Blessings that I realize most when I can quiet my soul and just be still....
Have a happy Tuesday, all!