Stillness

March 10, 2010. One of the days in recent years that my brain takes a pause to reflect as I remember how it unfolded. My heart shutters as the recollection of events march forward. At each phase I will for them to be changed in a way that would make the result at the end of the day different, yet between then and now my mind has embraced the way everything was orchestrated to allow for peace to fill my soul. So emotion packed. Joy, despair, helplessness, trust, knowing that God was holding our situation in His very capable hands, worry, feelings of failure, feelings of accomplishment. Most of all the underlying current of the day filled me with stillness. The verse from Psalm 46 came to mind. "Be still and know that I am God." Stillness was all around me and being in the midst of it my soul was infused with new hope and, oddly, joy. Inexplicable joy. My soul was just as still as my womb where our Christopher had fallen into a forever earthly rest.

It is hard to believe that it was a year ago now that he died. The images of our little guy are so fresh in my mind and I hope that they will always stay that way. I remember seeing him for the first time and feeling completely overwhelmed that this was actually happening. I remember the awesome midwife that assisted with the delivery saying "He looks like a perfect little boy." I remember Craig sitting in the chair near my bed looking upon our son, his eyes brimming with tears of both pride and loss. And I remember that little body so perfect, complete and peaceful. It was at that moment that I realized how precious life is once again. How at some moment in the last day our tiny son's little heart gave its final beat and changed the future as we had planned it leaving feelings of hurt and confusion in its wake.

Shortly after his silent birth Craig and I had a heart to heart while passing our still son back and forth in his little basket. It was perhaps the conversation that changed our relationship from great to awesome. We talked between unrestrained tears about a lot of things with our souls exposed and vulnerable. That conversation ended with a a few promises to each other. One was that the day our son died would not also be the day that his parents stopped living. Our mindset in our journey, which required rather intense medical intervention, to becoming a family was always to choose life....no matter what. This time we needed to make a conscious decision, in honor of our son, to choose life not for him because it was too late, but for ourselves. We knew that there would be lots of new feelings and emotions that we likely had never felt before, and those thoughts could be given the power to either unite us further or break us down. We committed to unite, to share, to trust, and to pull together and to heal. Another promise was that we would not allow the sad place we found ourselves in that day to be where our journey becoming a family would end. Though the future could easily result in more loss and hurt we could not leave that hospital room and our son behind knowing that it was the end. It couldn't be. In honor of our son we would try again. He will always be my firstborn, always be very loved and very wanted and will never be replaced in our hearts or lives.

A lot of healing has taken place between then and now, but my heart will forever bear a scar from the hurt caused by the loss and my mind will always wonder how life would be if he had lived. We were blessed by his existence and have been blessed in ways that we never would have imagined since his passing.

So here's to a day of honoring our firstborn son whose time with us was much too short. Our son whose life brought us joy and purpose. Our son whose death left us broken but united. Our baby who made March 10 be a day that we celebrate the fact that he lived. Our sweet Christopher Job who was born into heaven last year on this day.

Letters

Dear Mario,

It has been a pleasure getting to know you and your super brothers (whoever they may be)again via the Wii. I know that our relationship has been rather intense lately, but I find it only proper to inform you that soon I will be breaking up with you. I have also very much enjoyed the opportunity to practice mad driving skills while living vicariously through your friend, Daisy, on the Mach Bike. Unfortunately this has become slightly less than fun lately as everyone that I have competed against has completely annihilated and embarrassed me.

However, my baby seems to absolutely love your sound effects. Or perhaps it is the voice of its father screaming "UNFAIR" (to put it mildly) during competitions. Either way, we may be interested in having you perform your background music during some times when nothing else is working. A soundtrack for infants would be nice.

~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Sleep,

Remember when you used to come to me every night for about 9 hours? I miss that. Please come back.

~~~~~~~~
Dear Baby Riedel,

It has been a joy to carry you and I have absolutely no regrets about our time together...Well...I guess I regret the turkey sausage ingestion that one day, but that is not your fault. However, I am very ready to hold you in my arms and see the chubby cheeks that you've likely gained from stealing all of my calories for the last several months. I will definitely miss all of your silly antics from within, though.

~~~~~~~~

Dear Water company,

So sorry for our recent influx of water demands. Blame it on the kid. Many times it was a false alarm. Do we still have to pay for those flushes?

~~~~~~~~

Dear Hospital,

Thank you for finally agreeing to credit me back the $5.25/day charge for turning on the TV and the $2.75/day charge for phone service during my 8 day stay in December. Perhaps you now realize that especially unemployed dutch pregnant women don't part with their pennies lightly.

~~~~~~~

Dear Readers,

Thank you for being patient with me as I struggle to write these days. I will update soon. Hopefully I will have some "real" news!

Tomorrow! =S

Tomorrow is the big day. I will find out whether or not I can increase my activity. This is the day that I have been counting down to for the last few months, but now that it is really almost here, I have to admit that I am a little nervous. Why? Because I have no endurance. I have an ultrasound every Tuesday and see the doctors every Friday and these appointments completely wear me out! By the time I get up, shower, get ready, crash for a few minutes, go, and get home I am drained. My muscles cramp up and all I want to do is sleep.

Many people have asked what I will do first if given the go-ahead. To be honest, probably not much! We may stop and actually have lunch at a restaurant on our way home, but otherwise I plan to spend a lot of time up and about at home. I never dreamed that there would be a day when going to a mall seemed daunting or getting groceries impossible. One thing is for sure, though. Craig will be by my side. I am looking forward to fixing meals again and doing a little cleaning that has been bugging me. (Not that Craig hasn't done a fantastic job, he just doesn't seems to have a more tolerant relationship with dust bunnies!).

My mom is coming out in a couple of weeks for a while. My sister and her family will be here and bringing Maddie over their spring break, and Craig's parents will be coming for a time also over their spring break, so things will be busy. Who knows whether or not we will have the baby yet by the time any of them are here...but we've had lots of "encouragement" to get this kid out before their arrivals. =)

On the last ultrasound they did another biophysical profile which can take up to 30 minutes to gather enough information to see how strong baby is and how well developed the lungs are. The probe was on my belly for less than 5 minutes before the tech said that baby had already passed. Breathing movements are strong and for the last few weeks baby has been described as "perfect," which I already knew! (but there may be a bit of bias coming into play!)

Overall, I am feeling pretty well. Heartburn doesn't bother me much anymore at all, I am sleeping pretty well most of the time, and baby seems to have found a "middle ground" in the last few days where it is neither constantly pushing on my bladder or invading my lung space. I can definitely tell that he/she is running out of space in there because the movements are not as lighthearted. If this kid is going to move it is like a steamroller these days. I love those wiggles. Honestly, I will not be surprised either if a foot comes poking through my side one of these days. Baby tends to pick a spot and then show it no mercy. =)

OK...that is enough for now. Happy Thursday, all!

Ok, so today I feel like writing. Problem is: I have nothing more of significance to say. Therefore, this post may be a bit random. I could tell you all about the little things that I do to pass my time, but it would be boring for all of us if I wrote about how much time I really spend on my computer or honestly just stare at the wall and think. Strangely, the last 2 months have gone remarkably fast, but as the end draws near my anxiousness to be up and about makes the down time more difficult. I know that I am weak and am planning out my strategy for making my body a little less jell-o like. I plan to go on a lot of walks to start with. This may sound small, but it is a lofty goal for someone who hasn't spent much more than a few minutes at a time on her feet in more than 2 months. It is amazing how fast you lose strength.


This morning I killed a spider in the bathroom. I had just taken a shower and was sitting on the edge of the tub to lotion up when it appeared out of nowhere and tried to kill me. I hate spiders. This one was about the size of an eraser but did not survive it's unfortunate encounter with a kleenex. It is the first spider that I have seen in this house and hopefully the last. I do not like insects because they are creepy. All of them.


We've been working on a lighting project. (FYI, in case you didn't realize, when I say "we" I really mean "Craig"). We bought our house from an investor who replaced all of the fixtures that the previous owners had removed before they abandoned the property. The fixtures are nice, but the one in the dining room was annoying us because the new one evidently had a smaller base than the old one, which left a ring on the ceiling. We decided that the most efficient fix was just to put a light medallion around it. That is what they do on HGTV and they look nice. Buying it was the easy part. Craig then cut the base to size to fit the current fixture (which of course was non-standard), spray painted the medallion, and proceeded to dry fit the fixture. The screws were now too short. Trip one to Home Depot: longer screws. Looked perfect, but were slightly larger diameter than the original ones so the bolt wouldn't fit. Trip two to Depot: slightly smaller screws, but lo and behold they weren't quite long enough. Trip three to Depot followed by trip to Lowe's: right size screws, but one was a little stripped on the end and wouldn't thread. Trip four to hardware store: replacement screws of same size. Um, maybe they actually weren't quite long enough after all. Yes, trip five: Ace Hardware: Perfect screws, a little long, but easily trimmed. Light fixture wired in and installed. No sparks. No smoke, works, looks great, but at the cost of one very frustrated "that wasn't worth it" spewing husband and therefore, a slightly cranky (due to starvation) pregnant wife. No more "little" projects for us for a while.

I could tell you about how we spent Valentine's day. It was an exciting one! Craig of course had to work and is taking a class this week so he couldn't come home for lunch. After work he got home at his usual time and was bearing a gift...quite possibly his greatest v-tines gift to me of all time. A half eaten bag of cinnamon gummy hearts. I got a hankering for them on Saturday and Craig stopped at: Walgreens, CVS, Meijer, Wal-Mart, Target, Hallmark and some random candy shop looking for them on Sunday. Without luck. At work on Monday a co-worker had brought in a stash that she had found and Craig bummed them off of her after telling her of his plight.


In addition to providing me with crazy dreams, the state of my mind has entertained me in other sad ways in the last few weeks. Here is an example, one that I probably would not care to share unless I had the hormones to blame. Last night Craig was tired and ready for bed. I was not. Since I am trying to stay on some sort of schedule, I grabbed my book and headed for bed at the same time. I just started this book the night before and had accidentally dropped it on the floor before I got to the end of chapter two. I decided just to leave it there and call it a night. I shoved my bookmark in a random page with intentions of sorting it out in the morning. I didn't get around to reading yesterday, so last night I started looking for where I thought I left off. Actually, none of chapter two was sounding too familiar, so I just started over from the beginning of the chapter. I read it and thought I fell back into the story line, became tired, and called it a night. I reached for the paper that was randomly in the book and it was a different bookmark. I was so confused, but after looking at the title of the book and reading the opening lines again, realized that I had just read chapter two of an entirely different book. I am not sure how that happened or why I didn't realize it before, but now feel ridiculously stupid that I didn't catch it before I read the whole darn chapter. This baby better come soon or there will be no hope.

I am obsessed with food. Not necessarily eating it, but thinking about it. Especially meat and pasta. Hot dogs come to mind a lot. I haven't eaten one in ages and have no intention of doing so, but I do think about them a lot. Other cravings are: cinnamon gummies (anything gummy for that matter), frozen zebra cakes, mint chip ice cream, baby swiss Cheez-Its, baked potatoes, honey nut cheerios, ramen noodles, fresh fruit, spaghetti, cream cheese pickle things (again, have not eaten them b/c of the lunch meat thing), suckers, garbage salads, carrots with ranch, and my very favorite...green beans. Craig bought 2 packages of frozen green beans last Friday, and they were gone by Monday morning. It has been a long week since then...

OK, I am really done writing for now. Hopefully soon I will have something more exciting to report...it won't be much longer before baby Riedel makes an appearance...so stay tuned!

Smiling because....

Wow. Emotions are powerful. Sometimes I get caught up in everything and forget that good--VERY good--things are happening. It is time to make another list of things that make me happy.

• Health. I may not have the best equipped body for carrying a baby, but I am healthy. Other than hearing loss in my left ear, I've got it pretty darn good.
• Craig. I've said it before and I'll say it forever. He is AWESOME. I have told him over and over that there is NO way that I could get through this without him...and also that I would not be in this situation without him. =) There is a delicate balance between inflating your man's ego and excusing him from responsibility. A very fine line indeed. Don't cross it.
• Maddie. Talking to her on the phone is uplifting. She is such a blessing to us and it is so sweet that she seems to like us too. Oh I can't wait until March when I get to love on her for a little while in person.
• Ornery little Riedel or Riedelette. This kid is already full of spunk. (For simplicity sake, I will refer to baby as a "she" today) I told her that she needed to sleep well on Monday night because we had an ultrasound on Tuesday and it was one where her being alert would help her mother to get off of bed rest sooner. Of course, there was very little time between 4 pm Monday afternoon and 10:30 Tuesday morning that there was any stillness in my belly. Then, as the tech placed the ultrasound probe later in the morning, someone fell into a sleep cycle and didn't budge hardly at all, except to avoid a cute profile shot. Ugh. I get results tomorrow, but this kid could be grounded before birth.
• Food. My appetite has gone haywire. Yesterday I had dinner 3 times. The amounts that I can take in at once are smaller, but I am constantly hungry, and not for just a little piece of fruit or something, but for a steak, taco, casserole, pizza, or plate of spaghetti. Oh...I need to not think about food...getting hungry again. Craig has been good about learning to cook, too, and a friend has brought over a few yummy meals that give him a nice break. Thank you so much, Julie, if you're reading out there...
• A warm house. I told Craig that I really don't believe that we actually need to run the furnace this winter. I am so warm all of the time. Craig curls up in a wool army blanket topped with a down comforter while I sprawl out in sleeveless PJ's with a fan. My skin feels cool to the touch but this little pot belly stove thing I've got going on is cranking out some serious heat on the inside. I'm comfortable with the thermostat in the low 60's while Craig sneaks it up when he is home saying that he can see his breath in our family room.
• My plants. I have a lot of plants and they make me smile. According to my calculations, my orchid (which I had all but given up on) will bloom about the time the baby is born. It is kind of odd because I first notice the sprout for the bloom the day that I found out I was pregnant. It really likes its home on the surround for the whirlpool tub and didn't even seem to mind when someone (not me) accidentally took it swimming during last week's watering. Oops.
• Skype and free long distance service. It's been a lifesaver. Enough said.
• Wii. Mario Kart is sa-weet! It is Diddy Kong on the Mach Bike all the way for me. If you are a fellow Karter and have your wii wifi up and going, send me your digits and I'll challenge you to a race on any track but Rainbow Road. You'll probably win, but I'll have fun chucking turtle shells at you.
• Jeopardy. It stimulates my mind. I'm not half bad, either!
• Family and Friends. The little notes/texts/calls of encouragement have been awesome. It amazes me that they arrive just when I need a little lift.
• Our new table and chairs. We ordered a custom made Amish table with 6 chairs in December. I called yesterday to check the status and we could get them this month! So excited to get a little cherry in the dining room to complete it.
• The mantle. It is littered with: a picture of Maddie, 2 Isabel Bloom pieces, a meerschaum vase that Craig brought home from Iraq, a small framed picture of CJ's little hand, 2 special Willow trees, a small plant, and a rhino that Maddie got us in Africa. All means a lot to me. Oh, and the Wii sensor. It's practical.
• A comfy couch. Firm, yet cozy. I heart it but am ready to quit bonding with it.
• Windows. We have a huge wall of windows in our family room. It is so nice to know what the weather is doing and watch the neighbor twin girls play in the snow.
• My tongue has healed up again! After last week's episode of minor tongue swelling followed by the painful shedding of nearly all my taste buds, it is now getting better!
• Zebra Cakes. When frozen, they are just about the perfect snack.
• Green Beans. I never knew one could feel so strongly about a vegetable. Take them from their frozen state to slightly still crunchy, add a few bacon pieces, some butter, and voila! D.Lish.Us.

There are lots of other things that make me smile, but right now I'm not thinking of anything but food, so I'll spare you the details. Have a great weekend all! Stay safe and warm through this frigid wintery weather.

~M

The Big Melt.

I knew it was coming. I could feel the agitation in my bones as day after day turned into week after week of bed rest. On Thursday it happened. It was not pretty. Mount meltdown started to spew its freak out lava.


Generally speaking things have been going pretty well. Since September (gulp) I have been on restricted activity, and since December 6th I have only been on my feet long enough to take a quick shower, use the bathroom, or go to a doctors appointment. The lack of stimulation was catching up with me. The cloud of frustration was starting to build, and by mid week last week all emotions ran amuck and the storm began to brew.


It was the accumulation of a lot of things, actually. The helpless feeling of watching Craig go to work all day, come home tired and knowing he just wanted to relax, but instead starting in on a pan of spaghetti for dinner. The reality of the distance between my family and I being far apart as my grandma moved out of her home and into a care center...of hearing the stress in mom's voice as she was forced to face another of life's difficult choices. Not having had a doctor's appointment for 2 weeks, keeping me completely home bound and without fresh air (well, unless you count the short time I spent in front of the open patio door.) Missing seeing what goes on in the "real" world except through the eyes of the TV, Internet, or what others have told me. Lack of sleep because the very same night that baby quit punching my bladder it began thrusting up on my diaphragm, leaving me without enough air, an overly full stomach, and reflux like I have never dreamed of. And speaking of dreams, lots of them...everything from my grandma playing in a harmonica band while I was trying to teach a class on PICC line placement to a bunch of ladies at my mom's church to fairly vivid dreams about my dad. The bottom line was exhaustion. Beyond tired of limitations. So with that the tears started. And didn't stop. Not for nearly two days. Not even watching YouTube videos of babies born too early were helping me keep my motivation as they usually do.


Yet, I remained thankful that we are at a point in our lives where we can do this. I'm not laying here all wrapped up in this blanket of confusion for nothing. I am doing this for something so much more than myself. I'm doing this for our future, for our baby that is growing and kicking and thriving under my inactivity. The thought makes me smile, yet doesn't erase the frustration. It is an odd place to find ones self in when you don't want to be where you're at for one second longer, yet wouldn't do a single thing to change it. That's where I was.


On day 2 of the funk, Craig gently approached me.
"Honey, we have to do something different." and then he stepped back (and quite possibly assumed a defensive posture...I think he is scared of me.)
"What? What can I do different?"
"This weekend we're getting you out of this house."
"I can't"
"There comes a time when the health of your mind is just as important as everything else."
"Where would we go?"
"Wherever you want. You need a break."
"Target? With pizza and bread sticks from the Pizza Hut snack bar inside? Really, do you think it is ok?"
"31 weeks. There's always a risk, but we'll get you a wheelchair and just stay for a little bit."


And with that the hormonal pendulum swung 180 degrees to the other end of the spectrum. The tears were gone and I was ecstatic. The only other person who really understands and shares the reality of our situation had given me the go ahead. I had a date. With a little nervousness but even more excitement Saturday finally came. We took it very very slow and easy. I humbly rode slightly reclined in a wheelchair and warded off the stares of those who in my mind were thinking "Why does SHE need that?" We rolled through the aisles of baby stuff. Stopped and shared a small cheese pizza and 3 piece order of bread sticks. Above all, I found my smile. I was not just an incubation machine for our baby, but a real person. It felt so incredibly good.


Despite my determination not to overdo, I had just enough in me for a quick peek at Wal-Mart's baby stuff. I perused the baby section from a motorized wheelchair (there were no other ones available) while Craig chased me. Yes, it was embarrassing, but my goal was to take a break from the mundane, not to have a baby that day. We picked up a few things and some groceries. Within 2 hours from the time we left I was back on the couch fairly tired but not having felt better in a very long time.


This will not be the norm. I only have a few more weeks and have no intention of breaking the rules again. I was just at that place where the benefit outweighed the risk. I'm glad I did it, and now am back at home on the couch where I need to be until my doctor gives the green light to be up. At last week's appointment he said that as long as the next three ultrasounds looked good I can be on my feet again in about 3 weeks. THREE WEEKS people!! That is better than I had hoped for. It won't be much longer...I can do this! It is about time to reap the reward of our persistence.


I hesitate to post this because I don't want it to sound like I am complaining about our situation or that I would not do anything in the world to keep this baby safe. I am trusting that you know where my heart is in all of this without further explanation. After all, I have always claimed that it is not easy being me!

TV Commentary

The last month has allowed me a LOT of time to find things to do. One of which, is TV. As a general rule, I don't turn the tube on until 4:00 to keep my mind from going into funk mode, but occasionally check out late morning/early afternoon programming for anything that I may be missing out on. These are some observations.

1. The best show available? Criminal Minds. Hands down. It is intense, thought provoking, a little creepy, and highly addictive.
2. E-Trade has the very best commercials. They need to make a few more for variety, but I love the one that starts off "Apparently, riding the dog like it is a small horse is frowned upon..." Hilarious!
3. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Whatever. I wouldn't know I was pregnant either...if I hadn't been crabbier than a she-bear for the first few months (when I hadn't fallen asleep from exhaustion for no reason, anyway), puked nearly every time I thought of or used toothpaste, felt near constant pummeling from within, and if my belly hadn't started resembling a flesh colored watermelon. I don't believe it much...
4. The Biggest Loser is awesome, but the contestants cry entirely too often. That gets annoying.
5. Yesterday's episode of A Baby Story was a little irritating. The chick went on and on about how horrible 10 weeks of bedrest was. Ok, I get it. Can't really call it a party, but seriously, how many moms have been lucky enough to feel just about every one of their baby's movements. Not to mention the fact that what you did worked, and you have a healthy baby. It's about perspective, lady. I'm glad to know that this is what I need to do to keep our little one safe...therefore, I will not complain.
6. Man Vs. Food. A little disgusting. It used to make me nauseous, so I would avoid watching it. Now it makes me hungry. Especially for that massive burger he tried to eat the other night.
7. Storage Wars is pretty good. Go Jarod and Brandi go. Dave has a bad attitude, Barry is weird, and Darrell is entertaining. Just wish that the new episodes started before 10 pm.
8. The Cheez-It commercials are annoying. I do like Cheez-its, but the "Nacho Cheese" commercial is on my last nerve. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that Craig laughs at the stupid joke every single time.
9. Chili's jalapeno sliders look fabulous. I am all about spicy with this pregnancy. Baby doesn't seem to mind, but keep the majority of dairy products far, far away. Strange, I know.
10. House Hunters has amazingly few reruns. I like that.
11. Nationwide has the worst commercials. They are neither funny or informative. Waste of time

I think that is the end of my opinions on TV. It is clearly overrated. What are your favorite shows?