God is always working to make His children aware of a dream
that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream,

a new dream that
when realized will release a new song, sung with tears,

till God wipes them away
and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts

--Larry Crabb

Wednesday, January 16, 2013


I'm spending my time these days feeling humbled.  And amazed.  God has blessed us in so many ways.  Saturday marks week 28 of this pregnancy...the start of he third trimester.  I can't believe how good I feel.  Everything about his pregnancy is totally diffent than before.  I did have a lot of nausea weeks 8-17, and have felt a lull in energy, but that is par for the course for me.  Actually more like a double eagle if we're using golf terms.

I had so many fears and reservations about the thought of trying to expand our family.  What if our infertility treatments don't work and we're out all that time and money?  What if I lose the baby well into pregnancy again?  What if I have to spend week after week on bed rest again?  What if God's plan for us is just to have Maddie and Lauren?  Somehow, God--in typical God fashion--gave me a sense of peace and his spirit told me calm down and trust Him.  He would take care of the details.  Just trust and follow His leading.  So that is what we did and were surprised/thrilled/ecstatic to learn a fairly short time later that there was a strong little heartbeat under my own heart!  Truly a miracle.

We kept the news to ourselves for a while.  I wanted to tell my mom in person and knew I wouldn't see her until about 17 weeks.  Shortly thereafter, we broke the news to the world.

Yet, as I said before, I am very humbled.  It wasn't so long ago that I wasn't sure if we would ever have a child.  Now we have a beautiful, very active, and healthy 22 month old, and an equally healthy and active little one within.  I have not forgotten all of the emotional pain it has taken to get here and my heart breaks for those who are in that place now.  I will never forget how empty my arms felt during those days, months, and years as I waited for The Lord to give us a child to love.  My heart breaks for the dear friends whose dreams finally seemed to be taking shape and faced devastating loss.  It is a treacherous path for so many, and although there is much joy in where we are at today, part of me will always remain in the journey where things were not looking good.

I don't talk in detail about all that we've been through with many.  I tend to be pretty vague with that kind of stuff.  I've learned so much along the way, but the biggest lesson learned~or should I say reinforced~is that God is way bigger than all of the statistics.  A doctor once told me that I had a 20% chance of getting pregnant, and that if I did get pregnant I had a 80% chance of not carrying to term.  Jerk.  Look at my daughter and see how God gave us a 100% miracle.  I really believe that it is because we placed her completely in His capable hands.  Just as we have with is baby.

Each day I am challenged to be a better mom because I've lived the years of yearning.  I can honestly smile somewhere inside (please don't tell Lauren!) when she throws a tantrum and or dumps cereal on the floor.  I've chosen to appreciate even the most frustrating things because they come with the territory of being a mom.  I've chosen to embrace the woes of pregnancy because there is an unending line of people who would gladly take my place. I am blessed and I know it with everything in me.  There is a very good chance that this baby will be our last.  After all, Asking for three miracles is a bit much, isn't it?  Whatever happens, it is well.  God is in the driver's seat.

Yes, accepting miracles is humbling!

Ps...I'm hoping to be able to post more now that I have updating from my iPad figured out.  We are down to one computer  (that I despise) due to the combined destructive nature of toddlers and the apparent inability of parents to keep such devices in a safe place.  :/