God is always working to make His children aware of a dream
that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream,

a new dream that
when realized will release a new song, sung with tears,

till God wipes them away
and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts

--Larry Crabb

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Not the best

OK, so I need to vent a little. I had my annual evaluation at work this week. My boss complimented my work performance, told me that my attendance was outstanding, said what an asset I was to the hospital, gave me my raise details and then....I could not believe it....she said "I know that you have had a lot going on personally, but I do have to say that this has not been your best year." I just stared at her blankly as she smiled back a fake smile. Not my best year? Do you think? My blood started to boil just a little.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life. I forced myself to show up to work everyday and try to focus on my work. I tried SO hard to not let Kim's passing or my Dad's accident interfere with my work world. Other things were going on in life that changed me. Yet I went to work. I did my job. I placed more than 400 PICC lines. I made small talk and comforted my patients when they were apprehensive about the procedure or their health. I educated. I even joined a committee to improve a process and served as a resource for many nurses and even management. I gave whatever was left in me to give to my patients.
I've been a nurse for 13 years. I've seen a few people come into the world and many people bid the world goodnight. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for what happens in your heart and head when people that you care so deeply about die. It changes you. Forever. Sometimes those changes may affect all aspects of your life. Our society gives us 3 days to mourn, grieve, and get over it. It took me a little longer and I won't make any excuses or pretend that it is not ok to let letting go of these extremely special people to change me a little. Yep. Last year was not my best.
Thanks for listening,

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Christmas, cows, and birthdays.

I just realized that I have not posted on my blog for nearly a month. This has been a crazy time. Let's just say the ususal...it's not easy being me! :) We have traveled across Iowa and Illinois more than once trying to make it to various Christmas celebrations. This weekend we're heading to my Mom's to have our family Christmas. This happened to be the only time between December and January that we could get our schedules coordinated.

Saturday will be a bittersweet day. My mom has decided to sell the cows and on Saturday the buyer is coming to pick them up. Part of me is happy knowing that the herd will stay together and that the buyers have a reputation of taking great care of their livestock, but sad at the same time. Those cows meant so much to my dad and parting with anything important to him is a reminder of the reality of just how much life has changed.

On the up side, there are also 7 heifers that Dad was particularly fond of. Mom is going to keep them, expecting them to calf in April. I am really glad that she made that decision. I can't imagine going to the farm and not seeing any black cows littering the pasture. Maybe it is selfishness, but that's something I just don't feel ready to let go of yet.

Sunday is also my Dad's birthday. He would have been 62. Oh how I miss that man and what wouldn't I give for just a little more time!