God is always working to make His children aware of a dream
that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream,

a new dream that
when realized will release a new song, sung with tears,

till God wipes them away
and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts

--Larry Crabb

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day

I'm pretty sure that if my dad were still with us on this Father's Day this picture shows how he might like to spend it...Napping in his chair with one of his granddaughters cuddled on his lap.

Oh, Dad, I miss you so much. I'm sure that spending just one moment in Heaven is so much greater than any Father's Day that you experienced here. When I am feeling sad I try to think about how happy you must be. That brings a little comfort but the hole that your absence created in our lives feels like it will never heal. Part of me doesn't even want it to, because if the hurt starts to go away it would be in part because time has passed, and if time has passed that means that it has been longer since I've seen you. It has already been so long in some ways, but in others it seems like just yesterday.
They say that you never really appreciate something or someone until they're gone, and I regret that that is true to an extent in my relationship with you. I am learning to try to break that pattern, though, and make the most of each moment--not taking people or things for granted because all too soon life may change just like it did for us.
I am grateful for the legacy that you have left that lives on in those of us were blessed enough to know you well and be touched by your love. I don't know how I would have gotten through this last year without the deep rooted faith that you instilled and encouraged in me. Faith that allows me to have knowledge through Christ that nine months ago when you died it was not the end of hope, but the beginning of Glory where we'll meet again.
The things I really want you to know on this day, your first Father's Day in Heaven are that you are loved and missed and even in death are the greatest father that a girl could ever hope for.
Loving you always,
P.S. Give my little guy a little extra spoiling and tell him that his daddy and I are really missing him today, too! :)

Monday, June 14, 2010

I really should be working on my Beth Moore Bible Study, but instead am watching the wildlife in our back yard. at 11 a.m. there is a deer standing right by my deck. There is a squirrel chomping on the budding fruit in the pear tree, there are birds everywhere, but perhaps most entertaining is this little chipmunk that keeps peeking in the window at me. I am going to miss this house. A lot. It is amazing how much more you appreciate something when your time left with it is limited.
Last weekend my mom, Craig's mom, and I drove out to Michigan to see Craig. We had a very nice weekend. We spent a lot of time at the new house measuring and checking things over. We did some shopping and some site seeing. It was a lot of fun. Now I am filled once again with the feeling of wanting to be in more than one place. I want to combine parts of my world and have Craig and our new house in the same area as our friends, family, and church. I'm not thinking I'll get what I want.
Today we have another showing at our Iowa house. My gut feeling is that we're getting pretty close to selling. We'll see if that feeling pans out or if it just there to confuse me.
Tomorrow I will start a new job. I have accepted a position with Bard Access Systems as a preceptor. This will give me some hours in this area for the time that I am still here and transfer with me to Michigan when I move for good. My main role will be to hold classes for new PICC line nurses and teach insertion techniques. I will also assist in Port-A-Cath education. It should be a very good opportunity for me. Just this morning I spoke with the Bard rep in the Detroit area and he thinks he may know of a hospital that needs a part time PICC nurse. Hopefully it will all fall into place.
Due to some really disappointing circumstances I will no longer pick up hours at Trinity after Friday. Since I am not one to burn bridges I won't go into details in this setting, but I am walking away knowing that it is the right thing for me at this time in my life. It will feel so good to not have to deal with the situations that have created so much stress, but is still saddens me to be reminded that people aren't always truly who they present themselves to be. Enough said.
For the life of me I can't figure out how next weekend will play out. I have to be in Michigan on Thursday afternoon for our closing, (I think my mom will go with me) Maddie is leaving on Thursday morning to go to on a church work trip in Wisconsin, we have to get the whole new house cleaned and ready to move into (it won't be too easy) Maddie will need to be picked up in the Quad Cities Sunday at noon, have the house ready for an open house, and be completely ready for the moving truck which will be here on Wednesday while also having our house ready to show at any time in between. Anybody wanna trade schedules?
OK, so I really need to get some stuff done so that's it for now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

A day in the life of a stressed out former princess.

I probably should be getting ready for bed, but am thinking that tonight will probably just be a repeat of the majority of the last few weeks, anyway, (where I can sleep very little) so I'll blog instead.
This week has been ridiculous. I was at a point on Monday where I finally started telling people close to me that I honestly could not handle one more thing that was even remotely stressful so please don't tell me anything that will add to my overflowing cup. It seemed that everything had come to a head. Here is what I was dealt in one of the worst Monday mornings of my life:
  • I realized that my job would be ending before I had intended (more about that later, but not tonight).
  • I learned that the buy-out plan for our Iowa house would require us to vacate immediately instead of within 30 days as previously planned.
  • We were unsure whether the lender would allow us to close on our Michigan house before the buy-out plan was executed on the Iowa end and many phone calls to the lender were not returned.
  • We learned that we had a lousy turnout for our open house on Sunday.
  • Our Iowa realtor wanted to set up a private showing the next day and the lawn needed to be mowed, but it had been raining for the last 12 hours with no end in sight. He also told us that the couple that saw our house on Saturday was very interested...good...but still stressful because no offer yet!
  • I continued a battle with an insurance company that I started on Friday.
  • I was working a 10 hr shift and had a patient that was so large that the PICC line could not be seen via conventional X-ray, resulting in some creative thinking in my befuddled brain.

I think that is it. When everything comes to a head and life is overwhelming I have found that my resilience anymore is nil. It just seems to be too much for one person at one time. Furthermore, when things are so crazy around me the wounds of losing my dad and Christopher come instantly to the surface. And I miss my husband. I need my rock here with me!

As life has me (only at times) unable to capture what I need to do next I realize that the words to "Everything Falls" are playing in the back of my mind again...When everything falls apart His arms hold me together....When my strength is gone...He holds me mighty and strong...Love that song. Thanks again, Molly!

Today was a better day. A LOT of stuff got straightened out. I had a great talk over lunch with a good friend. I voted. I received a couple of meaningful notes from friends. Yep. His arms not only held me together, but somehow brought the peace that had been robbed yesterday back to my soul. Where would I be without those nail scarred hands?

This weekend I am getting away! Not thinking about selling a house, work, or anything else that I can avoid. My mom, mother-in-law, and I are going to Michigan to spend the weekend with Craig and to take measurements of the new house for blinds, where to put the piano, etc. Fun things. I only have to get through the work day and mow the lawn---hopefully. Yippee.