God is always working to make His children aware of a dream
that remains alive beneath the rubble of every shattered dream,

a new dream that
when realized will release a new song, sung with tears,

till God wipes them away
and we sing with nothing but joy in our hearts

--Larry Crabb

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Missing my girlfriends

These are a FEW of the friends that I miss and some random reasons why.
I miss Jen S (the COOL one) because we have such good talks while we're walking and then find healthy things to eat.
I miss Jen A because she's going through so much and I see her so seldom.
I miss Molly because we haven't done lunch in weeks and haven't had the time to connect lately.
I miss Char because she moved, makes me laugh, and keeps secret #11 oh so well.
I miss Kim because we haven't been able to chat and have coffee for 2 weeks now...and this Sunday doesn't work, either
I miss Amanda because she understands me and reassures me that I am not crazy. (she may be wrong, though!)
I miss Tara because I haven't seen her in forever and we just click. (It was great talking to you today, though)
I miss Brenda because we haven't had a good facebook chat for a while.
I miss my girlfriends. You're all awesome...I am so lucky!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Wanted: New Spring Purse

I need a new purse. I tried to talk my friend into having a purse party...one of those ones where you design your own, but she said no. I don't have parties like that at my house--probably because I would have to clean and I don't feel like it. Last fall I bought a super cute (I think, anyway!) purse at a craft fair but it is rather fall-ish looking. I need something bright and fun and springy. Not leather or another Sak. I'm tired of plain. I want fun. Perhaps I should look online. Or learn to sew...then I could make my own. Wouldn't that be interesting? I can see it now....I'd be walking down the street or through the mall when the bottom of my purse, which NOBODY says is cute, rips a seam and all my junk flies in random directions. Yeah, probably should leave purse making up to the professionals. Seriously, where can a cute springy purse be found???

Friday, April 24, 2009

catch up

I have had bloggers block all week this week--thus, no updates, but this morning I feel like writing. Things have been pretty run-of-the-mill here this week. The only real news that I thought that you, my internet friends, would like to be the first to know that I am losing my ability to be graceful. I am sure that you have referred to me using words like a swan gliding across a gentle stream, a snowflake falling from the heavens, or a drop of dew slipping off of the petal of a freshly bloomed rose. This is no longer the case. I am a clutz. I have fallen UP the stairs at church, ran smack into the automatic door at the clinic (of course, the waiting room was full!), run over my heels with the PICC line cart more than once, broke a plate, tripped over the cat, and nearly fell out of bed. This has all been in the last week--and that is just the beginning. I don't know what is going on, but be assured that it is not easy being me.

I actually wrote this a while ago and then decided not to post it. Now, since I haven't posted anything for a while, I will put it out there for your entertainment.

Life has gotten a litte chaotic. Funny how that happens, isn't it? I find myself wanting more than ever to write but often being at a loss for words......

Monday, April 20, 2009

Things to do.

These are the things that I hope to accomplish today. As usual, they are not in order
1. Tidy up the house
2. Sell the Civic
3. Shower --done. Time unimportant. I didn't go anywhere!
4. Work out--done. 9:40-10:15--elliptical x 34 minutes while watching Hitch :)
5. Make a green bean tater tot casserole--done
6. Pull the old dried stocks out from around my day lillies and live forevers--done
7. Make dinner for my husband--done
8. Water my droopy plants
9. Blog--done. 10:20-10:35
10. Laundry
11. Call Molly--done. 8:45-9:05 ish. What a good friend.
12. Talk to Char--done
13. Return a vase to Ben Franklin's
14. Do something other than a ponytail with my hair.--done. Not much more than a pony tail, but it's down.
15. Catch up with Amy
16. Touch base with Rob and Jeni about the cat travel arrangements--still not done
17. Trim my nails--done
18. Watch the news--done
19. Clean the car after the weekend travel
20. Relax--???

Craig and I went to Omaha this weekend to spend some time with his parents. We had a good time, but, as always, it went too fast. We spent some time trying to gather ideas for a monument for Kim's grave, which was not as bad as I had anticipated. It is heart breaking to see people grieve so hard. I keep praying for peace and serenity for his parents.
When we got home there was a message on our machine from someone who wanted to buy our Sentra :) Yippee! The used car lot selection is dwindling! You better act fast...there is only the Civic left and I am hoping for a call later today from the people who test drove just before we went out of town.
We had small group last night, also. Craig and I both so enjoy getting together with these people every other week. We studied the parable of the talents and were amazed to find new meaning in the scripture even though we had read the parable many times before. God is funny like that.
That's all for now. I have a checklist to complete.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Drowned out

It happened again. My heart was broken. I don't understand it. I want to shake people and say "Don't you see?...Love?...Care?....What are you thinking?" People get sick. Very sick. Only God knows why, but it happens. Sometimes their problems can be fixed, other times they are beyond the scope of what modern healthcare can provide.
My patient was laying in his hospital bed saying he didn't want to go through it. The cancer is throughout his body, causing pain, shortness of breath, exhaustion. He didn't want surgery. He didn't want chemo. He didn't want to fight it again--he beat it twice already, but it just comes back, and it is far worse this time. Last time it nearly took his life. He was so sick. He says he wants to live his life until he dies, not die trying to live.
"No, Dad, you're going to fight this." "You're going to win." "You're stronger than this."
You don't have the right to choose. We will choose for you, and we've chosen to make you fight, and you don't want to let us down so you'll agree.
And so he fights. He had the feeding tube placed so he could eat. He had the PICC placed for chemo. The pain is intense and the battle has just begun, but, for his family, he will fight....because they said so.
This is what bothers me. Why doesn't a patient, in their sane mind, get to make decisions and have their family stand behind them? Why do others get to choose? They don't feel the pain, lose the quality of life, or suffer because of the decision...only the patient does. So why does the patient's voice get drowned out in the sea of everyone else's opinion?
I personally think that the ideal way to die is a heart attack in your sleep at age 85 in your own home, but don't know what God has planned...pretty sure I don't want to know. I do know that if disease has overtaken my body to the extent that I cannot talk, eat (please don't take my food away!), or do the things I enjoy then my earthly body has done its time. Life to me is not determined by longevity, but by quality. If I can't have quality, I wouldn't want to fight for more time. It just doesn't make sense to me.
Just had to get that off of my chest.
Sorry that this is so deep. It just hit me square in the face today...once again.
(P.S. This has absolutely nothing to do with Kimmi...her situation was completely different! I truly feel that the best decision for her was made on her behalf. She could not speak for herself. This other person can...just isn't allowed!)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

All I have to be.

I've really had a lot of songs running through my head lately. Music, along with writing, is one of the ways I deal with stress. There is one song in particular by Amy Grant that sums it up for me. I first heard it several years ago when I was in college. During challenging times it tends to find its way back to the front of my brain and bring comfort to my soul. The blue are the words of the song. Black are my random thoughts.

When the weight of all my dreams. Are resting heavy on my head. Lord, I have dreams. Big dreams. I'm tired of dreaming. Ready for reality. Am I ready? And the thoughtful words of health and hope. Have all been nicely said. I've had so much support to follow all of my dreams. From family, friends, even strangers. I'll never forget one of my first patients, Walter. He had advanced Parkinson's disease and his body was failing around his intact mind. He struggled for about 5 minutes to say "Keep going, people like me need nurses like you." I've had so many Walters...so blessed. But I'm still hurting Why does it have to hurt so much? Why is there still a yearning and discontentment? When will relief come? Always wondering if I'll ever be the one I think I am. I think I am. I THINK I am Then you gently re-remind me. That calm, still voice from the inner depths of my soul. Is that You, Father? Of course it is. Help me not to doubt it when I hear it. That You've made me from the first. YOU made me. You understand. I was crafted and put together by Your hand. The same hand that crafted the mighty mountains made this little Iowa farm girl. Split ends, cellulite, and all. And the more I try to be the best, the more I get the worst. The best...what I think is best. My own ways, not yours. And I realize the good in me is only there because of who You are. Good. There is a lot of good in there. That is all a reflection of your grace. Who You are.... And all I have to be is what You've made me. Any more or less would be a step out of Your plan. I'd really prefer to trust Your plan as opposed to mine, thank you. Mine would be disaster! As you daily re-create me help me always keep in mind. Always being mindful. Always knowing. Always believing. That I only have to do what I can find. Why borrow tomorrow's worries? Today has enough of its own. And all I ever have to be. All I have to be. All I ever have to be is what you've made me. Yes, what You have made me. And help me to be content being me. Just as I am. As long as you're with me I really need not worry. Even if my dreams don't pan out, I know that You have good things in store. That's really all I need to know.

Saturday, April 4, 2009


Thursday I went down to Osky to see my cousin, Tricia, who is back visiting from her home in Australia. She has a beautiful 8 month old daughter, so we had fun playing with her and looking through some old photo albums. I learned some stuff looking through those pictures. I couldn't believe how many snapshots there were of the two of us. Tricia in her cute matching outfits and perfectly pony tailed hair, and me in my way-too-short shorts (not helped by the fact that they were also pulled up to my chin) and sporting a mullet. I had to have a talk with my mom later that afternoon. She was the one responsible to tell the beauty shop lady how to cut my hair, and was the one who provided my attire.

Mom swears up and down that mullets were the '80's style. If that is true, why didn't Tricia have one or why didn't my mom have one herself? I don't really remember caring too much about how my hair looked as a child (who does?) but I do remember thinking that Cindy from the Brady Bunch had a nice do. Those two perfectly parted golden ponytails with a nice pipecurl in each one. I remember asking my mom once if she could help me get my hair looking like that. That day is very clear in my mind. We were at K-Mart in search of ever elusive blue light special (back in the day that they had REAL blue strobe lights on carts and announced it over the speaker system!). It was the same day that I got the Barbie that had a button on her back to make her kiss--complete with lipstick. My mom said she didn't know how to do those curls and something about how Cindy had beauty shop people do her hair everyday. Tricia had those cute curls and she didn't go to the beauty shop to get it done.
I did a quick google search to see whether mom was right or not about mullets being the "IN" thing in the '80's, but had little luck. The only thing I really learned was that a chick version of a mullet is called a femullet--This is worse than I originally thought. I must end this now. I have some things to sort through in my head.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Beginning of a Journey

Her Journey's Just Begun *
By Ellen Brenneman

Don't think of her as gone away--
her journey's just begun
life holds so many facets
this earth is only one.

Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.

Think how she must be wishing

that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.

And think of her as living
in the hearts of those she touched...
for nothing loved is ever lost--
and she was loved so much.

It's been a month, Kim, since you left us. We miss you, but are keeping you close in our hearts and memories of times spent with you strong. Rest in peace, Sister.

*The actual title of this poem is "His Journey's Just Begun." Words were changed to make it feminine.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Car Lot.

WhoooooHoooo! I am done working for the week. And for the first part of next week. To celebrate, I cleaned out the CR-V. It is now shiny and spotless just like two of our other 4 cars. Yes, I said 4 cars. I wrote earlier about the used car lot in our driveway and it is still there. In Craig's defense he has been on travel this week but seriously...these cars have got to go! Our current advertising plan doesn't seem to be cutting it, but I don't understand why. I mean, we've got the "FOR SALE" signs all filled out and laying obviously out in the open on the desk AND the cars are clean, which should raise some suspicion that something is going on! Why aren't the offers pouring in? Why aren't we constantly refueling after all the test drives? Why aren't there people lined up on the sidewalk with cash in hand?
To answer some of my questions I googled "how to sell a used car." The website that I was directed to gave some very innovative ideas. Perhaps we should try some. They included: 1. Decide on a price. 2. Clean the car--inside and out. Check. That is done. 3. Pay off any outstanding parking tickets. Pretty sure that we don't have any of those. We only owned one of these cars when in Ames and Craig went through his parking ticket collecting days. 4. Find out if you are responsible to get a smog certificate. Never even heard of one of those. We'll skip that one. 5. Advertise your car. Duh. What else are those "for sale" signs on the desk for? Of course, we're advertising!
Maybe we're overlooking something...