Sticky hands.

I love the way she giggles at random things. A sneeze. A hiccup. A toy that surprises her. I love the way she drops everything and throws her arms up in a plea to be picked up whenever she sees me. I love the pucker that takes over her face when she eats fruit. I love how singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" will turn her fiercest cry into contentedness and how she grabs the newspapers and shakes them wildly when I am sorting the mail. I love the way her sticky hands fly a million miles a minute when I try to wipe them, and how she uses those same hands to yank handfuls of hair from my scalp. Kind of. Let me explain.

When I was carrying Lauren there were so many worries. I tease that she is such a good sleeper now because I never let her sleep for any length of time at all when I was pregnant with her--just making up for sleep lost! If it had been very long since I felt her move I would start poking here and there at my belly to get a little kick or movement. I lived on a continuum of "what if's" followed by appointments assuring that all was fine, followed by what if's again.

I wanted to do everything right. With CJ I learned that doing everything right isn't always enough, and that left me in a very scary place. I knew that things were out of my control, so I trusted it to the One who was orchestrating the show, but still I was filled with anxiety--which was a new (and horrible) feeling for me. It was like my heart knew that everything would be ok, but my head would not stop the static that let me dwell on what my heart was saying.

When I reflect on these feelings I am even more grateful for the girl I hold in my arms tonight for I have learned how fragile and precious life is through the lives of my children...through the death of one and the birth of the other.

I love my little Lauren. Hair pulling and all.

My Mom has been in town. Then I went to her town...er...country. Now she is back in my town, but will be leaving to go back to her country next week. All in all we have spent the last 5 weeks together. It has been nice and I don't want it to end but we have made it count. I think.

We spent one day canning meat. There is nothing like some home canned Iowa beef in some stew, noodles, or as a bbq sandwich on a cold winter day...or a warm fall day for that matter. Anyone who comes to visit us will probably get a taste in some form. (Insert sense of bribery here.) D.Lish.Us.

For those of you who have been to our house, you may remember the window treatments in the master bathroom. IF you received the grand tour, that is, or else randomly wandered in there. They consisted of some shears haphazardly tucked into the mounting hooks for the bamboo shades. Horrifying. What is worse? The view from outside. We discovered this week that the bamboo shades are c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e.l.y. transparent. TRANSPARENT. Completely. As are the shears, as are the walls in our shower. We had too much going on to fix the problem the next day, so Craig showered in the dark while I stopped showering completely. I don't know why it did not occur to me until this very moment to use the upstairs shower. Home Depot has these nifty window clings that make the windows look like etched glass that we applied and they don't look too bad. We left the worthless bamboo shades in place only because they don't look too bad and are putting up a swag curtain tomorrow. What must the neighbors think? I'm not sure, but that is probably for the best. Sigh.

Little L is growing like crazy. She is now rolling from back to tummy. I am sure that she CAN roll from tummy to back, too, but there is no need when Grandma is here...all she has to do is squawk a little. =) She is sitting up and really interacting a lot more. (L, that is, not Grandma. Well, Grandma is too, but that's beside the point) We have spent countless moments picking out the perfect toys to both entertain and educate and she has chosen a paper coffee cup from a hotel as her current favorite, with a newspaper as a close second. She sleeps well, plays well, and eats well. This girl loves to eat. Anything. Whenever we have any food anywhere near her she is always trying to bum a bite. So far we haven't found anything that she doesn't care for, which is good...and a little bad. She giggles when you pretend to eat her tummy, won't smile for a camera for anything, and l.o.v.e.s. her grandma. I don't know what we ever did without this little girl. She is a heart melter.

I'm tired. I know this isn't much, but blogging is always more a dream than a reality these days. Obviously. I'm still hoping that some day I'll be able to catch up, but for now, here are a few more of the things that we have been up to in our time with mom:

Informational knee-replacement meeting, Volleyball games, Wii tournaments (Carnival Golf, Party Games 3), trying new recipes, sleeping in, Ikea, Date night with C, Chocolate, Thrifting, Garage Sales, Christmas gift making, 6 month baby pics, Sushi, Caffeine Free Diet Dew by the 2 liter, Cooking with my new pressure pan (LOVE!), Sorting, cleaning, and playing, playing, playing with a baby girl.

That's it. 'Nite all!
~M

Questions

Parenthood has raised some questions in my mind. Most of them are ones that I would never ask a person face to face. That is the beauty of the internet...you can ask questions to no one. And everyone. All at once. Sa-weet!

• Why do I sometimes wish that my daughter would take a nap and then wish that she would wake up as soon as she falls asleep so that we could play some more?


• Does changing one's diaper immediately create the urge for one to fill it?


• How much does the average family spend on batteries for toys and where do we fall in that range?


• How come cute outfits only last a short while before catastrophe strikes but ugly ones can be worn for days?


• Why must diaper companies characterize their diapers? Do you really think that my girl (or I) cares that she has Mickey on her duds? I don't care much for the character ones but am not willing to pay more for fewer quantity of the Pampers Prints which ARE cute.


• Speaking of diapers, do you know that we have already gone through about 500 of them? (sigh)


• Do all old ladies in Michigan grocery shop at Kroger on Thursday mornings? They do here, and so do I because they are sooooo nice. (and I don't know many people here yet.)


• Does anyone else's husband read landscaping supply catalogs from cover to cover? (sigh again)


• Is it possible that after a year of searching and visiting a myriad of churches we may have finally found what we've been looking for? Yessssss!


• Why does my girl hate tummy time so much?


• Is it true that little L has us so in love with her that we daily trash our own house with toys, books, and random amusements?


• Why does baby's rice cereal look so good to me?


• Is it normal that rice cereal looks good?


• Does everyone stop watering their plants when they have a baby? My peace lily no longer looks peaceful or lili-ish.


• Will I ever sleep through the night again? Just because baby does, doesn't mean Mama can.


• Does anyone know where baby's missing pink pacifier or 4 oz bottle are? (I know you have one paci, mom, but there is another that is awol)


• How do you slow down the clock? Time goes entirely too fast.


• What did we ever do before Little L?

A year ago is etched out in my mind as a day I will never forget. A day where the pendulum of emotion nearly did a full circle instead of a back-and-forth motion. We were in the midst of our moving fiasco. The Mayflower had descended on the driveway to our new house just a few days before and unloaded what seemed like (and maybe really was) millions of boxes everywhere. Craig was gone to work while Maddie and I had a load of errands to run.
The first stop was at the lab with a requisition for some blood tests in hand. It was already warm if not hot outside when we arrived at the clinic. After checking in we found a seat. Maddie buried her nose in her book (imagine that!) while I thumbed through a magazine. FOX news was giving a rundown of the breaking headlines on a tv not too far away. I was drawn into the story of a rescue effort in the Grand Tetons where a group of climbers had met a horrific storm along their quest for the summit. 16 climbers had been rescued via helicopter the day before with various injuries and the search continued for one last climber who, as they reported, could not be located. Something moved within me. A sickening feeling had found my gut and I felt led to pray for the missing climber and their family. I encouraged Maddie, who had become inquisitive about the story, to do the same.
This had become common practice in the last few months. I was still bearing the fresh wounds of loss. It was just 4 months prior that Christopher was born into heaven. My dad hadn't been gone even a year then. Kimmi had been gone just a little over a year. Someones child was in danger while all his parents could do is wait to see what happened next. I remembered those feelings of helplessness that I faced in the hospital while waiting to see if by some small miracle we would get to keep our son, knowing that another parent somewhere was likely experiencing a similar scenario. My mother's heart was connecting.
The lab tech interrupted my thoughts, did my labs, and sent us on our way. We barely made it to Target before my phone rang. Daryl and Chris on the caller ID. I don't usually refer to my parents by name, but programmed my phone to do so so that I didn't have to scroll all the way down to the "M's" to call Mom. After Dad died I never changed it and now probably never will. I like seeing his name and something seems a little too final about taking it off. I still have Kimmi's long-since disconnected number in my phone, too. Anyway...Mom is not very good at hiding it when something is bothering her. Her voice was shaky as she tried unsuccessfully to small-talk. Finally she got down the the reason for her call. "Your cousin Brandon is missing. He was on a climbing trip in the Tetons...." It connected instantly. Tears of concern (to say the least) worked their way to the surface. Our conversation was short and after we hung up I told Maddie about it and called Craig. On the way home we prayed for Uncle Bob, Aunt Linda, and Brandon's siblings as they faced the unknown, as well as for Brandon that he would be found safe and quickly.
As I pulled into the driveway, glad to be home, the phone rang again. It was my doctor's office. "Congratulations! You're pregnant!" And there went the fruit basket. A quick phone call was made to Craig giving him a coded message (Maddie's ears are never far away when she's with us!) about our good news. I recall feeling so bad for Madison. She is such a tenderhearted girl and was hurting over the situation surrounding Brandon, but I could not share my great news with her yet...I was only 16 days along. As I pulled the car in the garage another issue surfaced and provided a needed distraction. Our pet rabbit, Dixie, was looking a little not so healthy.
In record time I had called Craig, found a vet that treats rabbits in the area, and returned to the garage where Dixie's cage was temporarily set up. There I found very confused Maddie and a rabbit that was now seizing. Wonderful. I think that it is safe to say that I was in some level of shock then. I explained to Maddie that Dixie was probably dying. We talked about how she looked comfortable, and we wished that we could help her, but the best thing that we could do for her then was to love her, talk to her, and pet her until she was gone. Craig really wanted me to still take her to the vet, but there is a limit to what I will and will not do. Not to sound cruel, but I will not scoop up a not-in-pain appearing 8 year old rabbit with a 6 year life expectancy mid seizure and drive around the suburbs of Detroit looking for the bunny vet. Not gonna happen. Luckily she went pretty quickly, but it didn't necessarily ease the process of explaining the death process to an already upset child. We were able to get a good laugh in, though, when I called the vet's office to cancel our appointment and they offered their "deepest condolences on the loss of our special dog."
I spent quite a bit of time in the basement that afternoon. Our wireless internet was not working just yet and the only way I could get online was to hardwire in. I checked my e-mail constantly waiting for an update from the family, and continuously browsed news websites for any information that would tell me that Brandon had been found and was OK. Eventually the call came. Brandon's body was found 3,000 feet below where he had last been seen. In a split second with a clap of thunder the Lord had whispered "Come with me." Just as he did to dad and to Christopher.
My heart wrenched and my body shook with the news. Several thoughts and none at all were surging through my head at the seeming senselessness of it all. Some people get mad at God when tragedy of this magnitude strikes, especially repetitively, but I can't. God's perfect plan for this world didn't include pain, separation, I was sick of it. I get it. People die and we're separated from them, but I was just tired of hurting and seeing people that I love hurt.
That night was a somber one at our house. We buried Dixie under a tree in the back yard (our first whole-family time spent in the yard while the neighbors watched, mind you). We cried and didn't have much of an appetite for dinner, but mostly we talked, and appreciated more the time that we have together. And we prayed, thanking God for Brandon's life and the little life that had taken root under my heart. The life that we we now know as our little miracle, Lauren.
I miss Brandon. I wish that I had known him better. One of my favorite memories of him is at a family reunion once when him and his dad were singing some song about the King of the Jungle and Brandon was dancing wildly while doing the actions. I miss his high-energy enthusiasm.

Sports Illustrated published an article about the climb that Brandon was on when his accident occurred. Here's a link for anyone who may be interested: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1188183/6/index.htm

My Vacation--in simple terms.

Seven States in a week. (MI, IN, IL, IA, NE, KS, MO)
Family Family Family.
Reconnecting with friends.
Baby off schedule big time.
Sleeping in.
Good old Iowa Tenderloin.
Spoiling of a baby girl.
Ice Cream.
Sketchy cell service.
Sushi.
Ponytails.
Meaningful conversations.
Lots of cuddle time with my girl.
Successful parade experience.
Over indulging on the taste of "home."
New jewelery. =)
AE Skim Chocolate Milk.
Surrounded by growing crops.
Casey's General store (and pizza).
Slip N Slide (only an observer, though!)
Baby shower.
Caffeine Free Diet Mountain Dew in 2 liters/20 oz bottles.
Shopping.
Relaxing.
Pella Bologna.
Menards.
Fireworks.
Gravel Roads.
Head cold.
Sunglasses.
Hair frizzy from humidity.
Good sleep.
So much fun.

Update

Check out how big Lauren and Maddie are getting! Can't believe it. Never mind the laundry basket...it never really seems to get to stay in its "home" for long...laundry is popular around here!

Ok, I have a quick minute to blog. I have been wanting to write so much lately, but either have not had the time or free hands to do so. Things are going well. Very well. We are adjusting to life with a baby and it is wonderful! Lauren has grown so much and is such a joy. It is week 2 of Madison being with us for 6 weeks this summer, and it is awesome to watch her and Lauren adore each other. Madison loves picking out Lauren's outfit each morning, gets her dressed, and is a great help throughout the day. She can really get Lauren to smiling.

Lauren is 2 1/2 months old already. I can't believe it! She is smiling quite a lot and has quite a lot to say at times. She has her mom's sleeping tendencies (YESS!!) and would rather sleep in a little than get up too early. She usually goes to bed around 10:30 and gets up around 5, eats, then goes right back to sleep until around 9. This is definitely my kid. =)

We had Lauren baptized in Davenport on June 6. It was a perfect day...so wonderful to celebrate with our family and Quad Cities friends that are like family. Lauren was in a good mood all day (she usually is) and didn't mind being passed around to many waiting arms at all. I hope to give her baptism its own post soon--but at the rate things go, we'll see how soon I get to it!

Last weekend we went on a little family road trip. The four of us went to Boyne Falls and the upper peninsula of Michigan. It was nice to have some family time with our girls. Time that went entirely too fast. We had a little excitement on our way home when we decided to break up the drive and make a quick stop at Bronner's Christmas Wonderland. Before we got to the intersection that we were supposed to turn at we we were re-routed by the police as there was some sort of Bavarian festival and parade. Somehow in our efforts to get to the other side of town we ended up driving down the main street where the parade was being held. I covered my face while urging Maddie to throw the remaining fruit roll ups out the window and wave. She didn't.

Ok. That is all I have time for for now. Lauren's patience is wearing thin...time to eat and get to bed. Hopefully I'll be back to update more soon!

5 weeks?

Ahhh. A quiet moment to settle in with my thoughts and my blog. The little girl that has completely captured my heart (and destroyed any hopes of a complete night of sleep or a balanced budget) is taking her umpteenth nap for the day...this time on Daddy's chest.

Where have the last 5 weeks gone? I can't believe that much time has passed since our little Lauren landed in my arms. I have not spent much time blogging or on my computer. The T.V. has not been on much. The house has gotten progressively less tidy. Craig's parents, my mom, Maddie, and my friend Molly have all paid visits. We have taken our first road trip (to get Mom and Maddie in Grand Rapids and see family and our friend Mary). We've fallen into some sort of awkward routine. We've laughed and cried, but mostly have been humbled in awe of how in love we have fallen with this little miracle girl.

I knew by her trickery in the middle of the pregnancy that this little one would either be very stubborn or very content. As it turns out, we got the latter. Having no real relative experience, it seems safe to say that Lauren is a very easy baby. She cries when she is hungry, she cries when she needs a diaper change, and she sleeps. And sleeps and sleeps and sleeps. I never dreamed that I would spend so much time waking up my baby to eat. She gets so cozy that she would sleep literally all day and was slow to gain back the weight that she lost shortly after birth, so we had to (and still do at times) wake her up to eat. There is something so unnatural about that!

We are so blessed. I used to question why having a family was such a process for us, but when I hold my girl in my arms, there is no doubt in my mind that God was waiting for His perfect timing for her to join our family. He is so very good to us.

With that, I will close with a few random statements/questions that you may have heard if you were a fly on our wall in the last 5 weeks.

• "What did we ever do before Lauren?"


• "What happened to us?" (while completely sleep deprived in the doctor's office while Craig read me a children's book and I laughed hysterically)


• "Whose idea was this baby thing?" (asked in the middle of the night while attempting to quiet and comfort a screaming baby)


• "How many times this week have you washed the sheets?" (the answer was four. The kid's timing is impeccable)


• "Diaper failure! Diaper failure! Help!"


• "I'm not the one that spoiled her."


• "What do we do now?"


• "What happened to the box of diapers?"


• "It's my pillow, and if I am ok with baby puke on it, then that is my business." (not me)


• "How did we get so lucky to be parents to this little angel?" (spoken in all honesty)


• "This kid is just playing games with me now."


• "I think I just got outsmarted by a newborn."

OK...time is up and baby is awake. Goodnight all! We're hoping for a good nights sleep tonight, but if not, those quiet moments in the middle of the night holding my girl are pretty awesome, too!