It felt good to wake up in my own bed on Monday morning. It was hard to get to sleep, partly because I was overly tired, and partly because I was deep in thought trying to absorb what had just happened. I called my doctor's office to try to get my Thursday appointment moved to Monday, which they did without hesitation. Before my appointment I called a friend to see if she would accompany me in my search to find something to wear to the funeral. After my appointment we scoured the quad cities looking for something to wear. That was one of the hardest things for me. I don't particularly enjoy shopping, but knew that I needed to. I wanted something simple, comfortable, and practical. Becky was such a blessing to me as I mindlessly searched through the racks and then would give up and move on to a different store. Finally I found the perfect skirt, followed by a shirt that may work with it. As I exited the dressing room at Younkers wearing my skirt from another store and the shirt I was contemplating, a complete stranger told me how nice the outfit looked. That was it. Sold. I guess that God knew that my brain was shutting down and I needed someone to make a decision for me. Thank you, fellow Younkers customer, for responding! Thanks even more to Becky for being so patient with me! We also somehow managed to find a skirt suit for my mom so that she wouldn't have to hit the stores back home that had such limited selections.
Becky dropped me off at home and I scurried to get things together to take. Craig was back home from his errands by now and I was eager to get back to my mom. In my absence, Mom, Jeff, and Shelli had picked out the cemetary plot and the Casket spray. I really had kind of wanted to be there for that, but knew that they would pick the very best and prettiest for Dad. When we got back to Osky we went to the flower shop so that I could see the flowers that would be used in the spray. There in a 5 gallon bucket sat a random assortment of fall shaded flowers and dried wheat. It was beautiful, but in my mind I was disappointed because it was such a small grouping. In my absent-mindedness I thought that the flowers in the bucket were the total of the flowers for the spray, not just a sample of the variety. Duh. It made us laugh, though, and laughing has always been a staple in our family, so it felt good.
On Monday evening, we gathered with the extended family again to share some memories of my dad. It was lovely. We laughed, cried, and loved. It was hard not to notice that my dad was missing. These were the kind of moments that he loved.
As I climbed into bed that night the numbness of emotion wore off again, and I felt the raw hurt. I decided that perhaps I should start thinking about what I would say at his funeral service, but there were no words. A sentence could not be made. That would have to wait for another day. Morning would come all too soon and with it bring the time to see what remained on this earth of my daddy--in a way I never wanted to see him. Tomorrow would be a day of firsts and the beginning of lasts. How would I handle it???

--sidenote---I am really debating about whether or not I should continue posting my recollection of these events. It is so important to me to remember as many details as possible in those days, and by putting them to words, the memories start to reveal themselves. It feels so good to write, but I don't want my blog to take a morbid tone. I guess right now I owe myself the opportunity to grieve in this way, so read on if you want...