Psalm 100

Make a joyful noise to the Lord, all the earth. Sometimes, Lord, it is hard to be joyful when the pain of life weighs so heavy on our hearts. Please help me to be joyful. Worship the Lord with gladness. Gladness to me means with a willing heart. I will worship you with a willing, but broken heart, Oh Lord! Come into His presence with joyful song. His presence. What a wonderful place to be. So serene and simple. Know that the Lord is God. I know, trust me, I know. It is He who made us. In His image He created us. Not evolution, not the big bang, GOD. We are His. We were purchased with his blood and belong to Him. We are His people, the sheep of His pasture. Lord, you know us as a shepherd knows his sheep. You know my hurt and fear. Enter His gates with thanksgiving and His courts with praise. Just as Dad has already, I too will enter those gates with gratitude and adoration. Give thanks to Him and bless His name. Thank you, God for all of the blessings you've given. Thank you for the memories of the past, the comfort in the present, and the hope for the future. For the Lord is Good. Is he ever. The best. His steadfast love endures forever and His faithfulness to all generations. God, You have been faithful. Your love has never left us, even for a moment. You were faithful to my grandparents, to my parents, to me, and will be to my children. Thank you for that. Psalm 100.

Mom and I have been working on memorizing this scripture. It was printed on the back of the memorial folder for Dad's funeral. Currently, it is 3:00 AM. My body is exhausted and craving sleep, but my mind won't let me rest tonight. It has now been just over 8 weeks since my dad died, and in so many ways it still does not seem real. Now more than ever I just yearn to sit down and have a talk with my dad. I have so much I want to tell him. I don't even know where I'd start, but I just want to be near him. I want to see his smile, hear his laugh, feel his love.
I've heard it said that in times like this the only people that don't get angry are the ones who didn't have a relationship. At this point, I have to admit that I am a little angry...maybe even more than a little. Not at anyone or anything in particular, but at the situation as it is. I am daunted by the evasive answer to the ever-present question of WHY? Why now? Why him? Why me? Why why why. For a long time I tried to not ask why, but have now learned that all change begins with a question. If I don't question why, then I can't find the solution to "How." How do I move on? How do I honor my dad's memory without reliving all of the hurt? How long until I feel normal again? How will our family ever adjust to this loss? How how how?