The day

Disclaimer: We are not intending to find out the gender of our baby. There has to be at least some unknown in all of this. For simplicity sake, and perhaps more honestly to salvage any hope of my sanity, I am not really paying attention to whether I type "his" or "her" or "it." Please don't assume I've made some big reveal inadvertently.

I have been promising many that I would be blogging, but sit down at my computer and find no words. Right now, the world still seems pretty quiet. I hear the gentle hum of my compression stockings and what I consider to be the greatest sound on earth right now...a tiny heartbeat. We're in the process of doing our twice-a-day contraction monitoring and heartbeat tracings. It makes me smile and even shake my head at times. I am not sure what we have got ourselves into. Baby lays still for just a bit, then just as I begin to get mesmerized by the sound of his heart, he brushes up against the monitor making a static noise or kicks it with a big loud thud. I even tried recording a portion of it on my computer to post here, but then he moved all together and the nurse had to come in to reposition the probe. Besides that, I couldn't figure out a way to do audio without video and I, although still strikingly beautiful, have not showered for 4 days now and have managed to lose all hair accessories but one pony tail holder that is not doing one bit of good around my wrist. To top it off, the hospital lost my toiletries bag so I have zero makeup. I don't really care how I look, but I feel significantly less than human when I have put no effort into my appearance. Hopefully soon I'll make it through some running water. With time continuing to pass I am becoming more and more convinced that we're in the right place doing the right things. As long as these near constant wiggles from within continue and the contraction monitor shows a flat line we are good.

The doctor said today that he ordered another ultrasound for Monday afternoon. As long as everything looks good with that, he will let me go home on Tuesday. Naturally part of me wants to be home now, but I know that this is the safest place for us right now. It is not too bad, really. My bed is fairly comfortable and the cable programming is decent. My only problem in the moment is that the remote for the cable is under my bed and I can't reach it. Craig stepped out for a little bit to get some fresh air, run to the library for me, and get his computer fixed so he can connect again to a secure gov't website for work. (not that he has to work, but it does give him something to do). Of course, my nurse call button is also on the remote.

In a nutshell, here is what led us to being here. I woke up in a foul mood Monday. I had slept poorly and just felt like a crab. I had two doctors appointments scheduled, with my routine bi-weekly ultrasound between. Craig drove me to the first one because the roads were horrible. Like I said, I was super grumpy and at one point actually told him (in completely unprovoked hysterics, I might add) that I wanted him to pull into the Hobby Lobby parking lot that was coming up because he was annoying me and I wanted to leave him there. (I'll have to go into more detail about why my Craig is so wonderful later...) The first appointment went great. After a quick exam I was cleared to travel back to Iowa and Nebraska for Christmas and was planning to be gone about 2 weeks. Then the ultrasound. The u/s tech and I are usually pretty chatty, and that is how things started off, except for I was a little quieter than normal because in my foul mood--I had very few good things to say so not saying much was my best option.. She put the probe on my belly and SHE stopped talking, too. Matter of fact the only thing that she asked was if I was seeing the doctor after my appointment with her and "good" when I said yes.

The doctor told me that there were some big changes on the ultrasound and wanted to do an exam herself....the same changes that caused us to lose Christoper 9 months ago. She found that I was dilated, which at this stage of pregnancy is not normal. I was having contractions, but did not know it. My doctor had placed a stitch several weeks ago that was still intact and giving us some safeguard. Within minutes I was on my way home to meet Craig so that we could get to the hospital. Once on the monitor there we were assured that everything was good with the baby, but I was still contracting quite a bit. We were admitted to Labor and Delivery. The title in its self was admittedly scary, not to mention the reminders of the events surrounding our Christopher's birth that were reminiscing in my mind as we settled in.

Let me just say at this point that which you probably already know. I would do ANYTHING at all to protect this baby, and whatever I have to do to make sure that it arrives into the world save and healthy is what will be done without hesitation. With that being said, Monday night I was started on some IV medication to stop the contractions. Within minutes I felt like I had been dipped in a vat of icy hot (minus the smell). My skin was cool to the touch but felt like I had been sitting in the sun for hours...hot and prickly. My sinuses stuffed up and I couldn't breathe through my nose at all. My mouth dried out. I was nauseous and started vomiting. The worst part of all, though, was the vision changes. I developed double vision out of EACH eye. If both eyes were open, all I could see was a scrambled mess. BUT, if I just laid still and closed my eyes I could hone in on nothing but the sound of baby's heartbeat, feel its kicks know moment by moment, then hour by hour, that it would all be ok. It has been. Now we're in day by day mode.

We am convinced that we would be in the hospital either way tonight. There are no words strong enough to express how grateful I am to be here laying in bed with baby tucked safely inside where its needs are all met than having limited time with him/her while it was in the care of NICU staff. We are blessed.

I can't necessarily explain the peace that I feel. I believe that that is the result of all of the prayers that are being lifted up for us. For that, my friends, I thank you so very much.

There is not much of a plan from here. We will continue to have monitoring done twice per day and more if there is any evidence of changes. On Monday we will have another ultrasound, and on Tuesday the docs will decide whether or not I can go home. If I am discharged I will have to return for check ups a couple times per week. Anything is fine with me as long as this baby stays in its current playpen.

Need to go for now...It has taken me ALL day to write this...a result of a brain that can't make a sentence like it used to. Will try to update soon...