Christmas

The flurries of gigantic snowflakes in the air are yet another sign that Christmas is coming. A Christmas that I am not at all prepared for. I have 4 gifts stashed in a not-so-difficult-to-find hiding place, none of them wrapped. I have an idea of what to get people, but lack the motivation to go to the store to pick them up. Top it off with the advice of my doctor who says "NO SHOPPING...not even groceries" (He fears I will be on my feet too long or lift things that are too heavy) and my Christmas is forced to be viewed from a different perspective this year.

It's been good, and is just the tip of the iceberg of what I would do to bring this baby into the world safe and healthy. At first I was a little frustrated with not being able to do all of the things I wanted to do, but not anymore. I have found contentedness in quiet moments, for those are the moments that I can truly allow God to speak to my soul, and allow the importance of so many things in life to fall into place.

I have thought about the true meaning of the seasons on many a Christmas in the past, but none have affected me as profoundly as this one. Perhaps it is because I just finished Francine River's Legacy of Grace series and it has shed new light on what Mary and Joseph may have gone through on their journey to Bethlehem. Maybe it is because this is the second Christmas without Kim or my dad, which is touching on a whole new feeling of finality about their deaths. It could be because, in the back of my mind, there are those remembrances of last Christmas when we believed that this year would be the year that we would get to hold our long awaited baby in our arms. Or the thought that the baby that is now growing under my heart offers much hope of that dream for next year. Most likely, though, it is a culmination of all of these emotions. Emotions that I have had the bittersweet pleasure of exploring while living the "non-strenuous" life.

This year has exposed facets of life that I never knew existed. Grief that brings pain beyond which I think I can bear at times. Joy that far exceeds anything that I have ever celebrated. Peace beyond any blissful thought that has ever crossed my mind. Despair deeper than any agony that I have ever known. And hope. Hope far exceeding what I ever conceived possible.

About year ago I had just learned that I was pregnant with Christopher. If you would have told me then that his little life would end before he got a chance to breathe his first breath I could have never fathomed how I could possibly deal with such devastation. Sometimes, I still cannot. Acceptance has come through living it and believing with everything in me that the Jesus has had His hand upon us through it all (although I admit that at times I had to force myself to believe it). This mindset has brought an incredible sense of peace. Peace that allows me to recollect on the day Christopher was born with a sigh of contentment. Peace that affords me to recall first and foremost the joy that such a tiny little boy brought into our lives. The pain of our loss is very real, but there is peace that provides a refuge from it.

It seems so simple to me that a baby born so long ago in a stable on Christmas day continues to bring all I need today. Sometimes TOO simple for my mind to understand. My brain seems to constantly try to make it more complex as I look for "strings attached" to this gift, but none can be found. A gift that is given selflessly and abundantly. A gift that is consistently what I need and crave more of. A perfect gift from the heart...of God. And that is what I believe Christmas is all about. The gift of Jesus...the REAL meaning of Christmas.

So, maybe I'm more prepared than I thought...