This was a very confusing Mother's Day for me. In the last year I have come to appreciate my mother in many new ways. I am so proud of the way that she has handled my dad's death. She has poured herself into taking care of the farm and making so many tough decisions that I'm sure that dad would be honored to have as his legacy. She's worked so hard, and hurt so much, and stayed so strong. My mama is one tough cookie, but even tough cookies crumble sometimes. She takes time to grieve, but still lives life as it has always been. It will never--it could never--be the same without my dad, but I am SO thankful that God gave me the parents that He did. They're awesome and I love them both so very much.

Aside from being thankful for my mama and my mother-in-law, this mother's day took on a whole new meaning. It was a painful reminder once again for me of our loss. In the days leading up to yesterday I got to the place where I missed my baby so much that I couldn't even begin to say his name without my eyes welling with tears. I stepped back from anything social. I couldn't bear the thought of facing the day without my son. That hole in my heart feels like it will never heal. I spent the day trying to stay off the radar screen. Not feeling like I could truly engage in worship, I did not go to church. I only left the house for a couple of hours to go on a nice long bike ride with Craig. We laughed and talked and shared sweet memories of our son. Not at all the Mother's day that I had hoped for, but still meaningful, although intensely painful.

This morning I was in a great mood. The anxiety that had been building up in anticipation of yesterday finally seemed to be gone. Maybe that is why I was caught so off guard when what turned out to be one of the most uncomfortable moments in the last 2 months went down. I was sitting at a nurse's station charting on a procedure that I had just finished when a nurse near me, who just happens to be pregnant and not any too happy about it, was complaining about how her growing belly was just embarrassing and in the way. She has no clue on how blessed she is. The jealous side of me was just thinking "I would give ANYTHING to have my baby be in my way right now!" My thoughts were interrupted when another nurse (who I see infrequently) asked her when her due date was ("not soon enough, but September 13") and all of the other courtesy questions that pregnant women get asked. Then all eyes were on me when the nurse asked me if I was showing yet. There were at least 7 people staring at me. My cheeks got warm. Tears welled in my eyes. I whispered across the table that we lost our baby, and everyone inhaled simultaneously before scattering. That's what people do when they're uncomfortable...they run. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable, but what am I supposed to do? I couldn't focus enough to write a note like hundreds I've written before in my patient's chart. I finally gave up, gathered my things, and went back to the office for a few minutes. I am SO glad I don't have a shared office.

Some days I just want to be 10 years from now where time has (hopefully) eased the hurt. Some days I don't want another moment to pass, because each moment is an increment longer since I've seen that tiny little face or held that itty bitty hand. If only I could go back in time to two months ago today when I could hold Christopher for as long as I wanted.

Life is chaotic right now...we've got so much going on with the houses, moving, work, applying for a new job, and just trying to get it all figured out. One thing is for sure though and that is that God is good all the time and all of what seems chaotic to me is perfectly orchestrated and waiting for time to reveal His perfect plan.