No more, Critter, no more!

Dear Raccoon?/Dog?/Deer?/Moose?/Bear? (I'm not really sure which),

I am writing in response to your recent deposits behind my rhododendron bush. I was recently pulling weeds near the bush when my nostrils were greeted with a foul aroma. This fragrance was determined to be from your poo. I would like to remind you that I have never made such a deposit behind your home unless perhaps you live deep in the woods off of a hiking trail in Colorado--and for the record it was an emergency! I do apologize if that is the case. However, that only happened once. There have been at least three occasions that you have utilized our new mulch as your dumping ground and although I am not an expert none of your visits appeared to be emergent.

While I do realize that you may encounter some difficulty in finding an area that provides for your apparent need for privacy as well as behind our lush leafy plant, I strongly recommend exploring some new options perhaps near the creek or behind the neighbor's house. Continuing to poo behind our bush will not be tolerated. I am unsure at this point exactly how we will stop you, but be aware that increased surveillance will be in effect.

In case you are not aware, we are currently trying to sell our home and your contributions to our landscaping plan were neither approved or welcomed. Potential buyers will likely not be impressed by either the smell or appearance of your gift(s). Furthermore, if I attempt to remove your masterpieces I am quite certain that it will result in a significant amount of vomit which will also likely not be on the buyer's wish list. It would be very much appreciated if you would do the right thing and relocate your excrement.

Finally, I would like to briefly address your eating habits. I am not sure what you are ingesting and have not intention of trying to figure it out, but I strongly suggest that you try a little less fiber and natural foods that are significantly less smelly.

Thank you for your prompt attention and cooperation in this matter,

~M, a disturbed and, frankly, sickened homeowner.