My Job

Last Wednesday I went to my workplace and signed papers to change my status to "casual." This means that I am only required to work two shifts per month, but can work as much as I want as long as hours are available.

This was a difficult decision for me to make, but given the circumstances I knew that I needed to do something different. My job can be very stressful at times when there is a pull to be in several places at once...often times at different campuses. Then there is the factor of problems that arise resulting multiple physician phone calls. I was starting to get burnt out a little in the last year--just ready for a change. To top it off, I knew that my career here could not be long term and as long as I was filling a full-time slot, no one else could be hired. With all of this in play, I stepped down. My goal now is to help train my replacement and pick up some hours that work for me when available.

After my dad's funeral I went back to work rather quickly and found that it was a very difficult place to be. I found that my "normal" felt anything but comfortable. I could get into the routine of my workday and not think about things until I was at the threshold where all I could block out met the overflow of emotions. The only thing that I could do during those moments was hide in my office and let go of all I was holding back. Five months later that was still happening and I got to the point that I couldn't think about or much less say my dad's name without breaking down. Things really seemed to be getting worse rather than better--but in retrospect maybe part of that had something to do with all of the extra hormones from my pregnancy dramatizing my experiences. I really believe that a large part of it had to do with the fact that I would not allow myself to deal with my thoughts early on. I realized that I could shut off my emotions for a while and stop feeling...which I became way too good at and tended to do a little too often. This time I can't and won't deny myself the chance to deal with the waves of grief as they come.

Even as busy as we've been getting ready to move, I have taken the time when sadness finds me to stop and reflect on my feelings instead of try to deny them. It feels already like I am dealing with Christopher's death in a much more healthy way than before, but it doesn't make hurt any less. I often wonder how something so tiny can change a person in so many ways.

Anyway--I am going to return to work April 19ish. Please pray that I can get the right balance of hours so that I can both continue to heal and keep on top of things at home. It will be nice to make a little money again to offset all of these little fix-it projects that have come up in preparation of selling.

In the meantime, does anyone have a pink toilet seat that they'd like to part with? :) The one bathroom that we didn't get around to remodeling is the guest bath, which still sports a pink tub, toilet, and sink. The accompanying pink toilet seat is the one that broke this weekend.