I remember

~I remember the first time that Craig brought me to Omaha to meet his family. He had told me (among other things) in the car not to be alarmed by his sister's size. She was very short and petite and had just turned 16.

~I remember when we got to their house for the first time. Kimmi wasn't there for long. Her and Shawna were "going out." She was all dolled up with her long blond hair looking so pretty.

~I remember when Craig's mom, Kimmi, her friend Kim, and I all went up to the Mall of America for a weekend. Craig was interning in Minneapolis and Evelyn and I were walking around the mall with one walkie talkie trying to get ahold of the Kims who had the other one. I'll never forget that "KIMMIE--THIS IS YOUR MOM--ANSWER ME AND TELL ME WHERE
YOU ARE!" (walkie talkies don't work at the Mall.)

~I remember when on the way home from that trip we had to wait in the drive through window of McDonalds for the employees to warm up her bag of dialysate fluid.

I remember when we got married. Kim was at the guest book table with Craig's sister in law in her cute purple dress.

~I remember when Kim got her second transplant and could put the years of CAPD (dialysis) behind her. We later went to Colorado and spent a day at Waterworld. So much fun.

~I remember when Kim got Licorice, her little black kitty from Paul for Christmas

~I remember when I went to WalMart with her late one night. That was the first (and thankfully last) time I ever experienced her driving firsthand.

~I remember sitting around the table listening to the latest drama in Kim's life...she got pulled over again for not looking old enough to drive...someone slashed her tires...Craig had tied her to a chair and denied her food when he was supposed to be babysitting her as a child...etc.

~I remember when Kim became the official family potato masher. Never a lump in them taters.

~I remember decorating easter eggs.

~I remember Kim graduating from highschool. We bought her a lavendar stethescope to use in her college courses.

~I remember Kim highlighting Craig's hair. Even our rabbits were scared of him when he got home.

~I remember the sound of her clicking her tongue piercing.

~I remember Christmas 2008. Quiet and simple. It was her favorite holiday. She was making peanut butter balls to take to the dialysis center the next morning, as well as some stinky dog treats. Life was normal.

~I remember thinking that she seemed much more frail, and that she needed to get another transplant soon.

~I remember getting the call from Bob that things hadn't gone well in surgery and knowing that we needed to get to Omaha.

~I remember spending a week at the hospital not knowing whether she was going to make it or not, but sensing an increasing feeling of dread.

~I remember Kimmi coming home with hospice. She was laying in her bed with her big blue eyes wide open.

~I remember when her eyes closed and her body came to rest.

~I remember March 3, 2009...the day Kimmi died.

But more imporantly...

~I remember the way that she lived.

Even though a year has now passed and the shock has given way to sadness and loss, I continue to miss Kim, and will always remember these good times and so many more.

Dreaming...

I am not one that typically remembers my dreams, but lately that has changed. I could make many guesses on why that could be, but mainly I think it is tied to getting up in the night to go to the bathroom.

Here are a few of my recent dreams:

I dreamed that I was at the Iowa State Fair and was supposed to have a baby any day. I missed the shuttle that transports back to the campground and decided that a walk would do me some good. My back was killing me by the time I made it to the top of the "big hill" when I remembered that Mom had traded our camping spot and I had taken the wrong way, therefore, I couldn't find it. My cellphone only had one bar left and went dead before Mom answered the phone. I, of course, had to go to the bathroom but it was closed and had to steal a golf cart to try to find the camper. All the while my back was killing me and no one would help.

I have dreamed that I engaged in a deviled egg eating contest at work. I was apparantly the only contender, but in my dream-like state it was all ok. Someone had brought in a tray of chocolates, fruits and veggies with dip, and (of course) deviled eggs. I was told by one of the PA's that I work with that they weren't very good, but that didn't stop me from trying one. Of course I was pregnant and started to gag (which I really would do if I had to eat a deviled egg right now) and in an effort to not make the nurse that had brought the tasty treats in feel bad, I had another. And another. Until I puked. The end.

I also dreamed that I was working at a camp for the elderly that was being held at a warehouse similar to Sam's Club. It was late when I went to bed and someone had mixed up the room assignments. I was left to share a room with an elderly guy who volunteers as a transporter at work. I elected to sleep on a mat on the floor rather than share the bed with him, knowing that the floor mat was likely soaked in urine by the elderly camper lady that had slept in the room the night before. Although I was exhausted and very nauseated from smelling the pee, I fell asleep only to be awakened by housekeeping who told me that she would clean the mat for me, but it would take 2 hours to dry. I agreed. Then she charged me $50 bucks and took the mat away when I realized that I had no money. I reluctantly asked for another pee-soaked mat, but was furious because here this guy was sleeping in MY bed when I was going to have a baby any day and was dead tired.

Not only is this baby wreaking havoc on my love of chocolate, but now it is invading my sleep! Oh it is so worth it, though!

Miscellaneous

Since I have announced our pregnancy I have been amused by some of the things people have said. Among my favorites is "Oh, I suspected because I saw you eating ice cream" which is not uncommon for me. I have also been a little ticked at times. Some may blame it on rising horomones, but in all fairness, this is NOTHING compared to pre-pregnancy levels. =) I just think that it is a little odd that people that I really don't know that well comment on my chest size. I haven't really noticed much of a change, and am not excited about other people pointing out their observations. However, a few things have changed. For example, my belly button. It is smooshed. This doesn't really strike me as much of a problem, but it is kind of strange and I hope that it someday goes back to the way it used to be.

I was watching along on Skype as Madison told my nieces about the baby. The girls all looked rather confused about how Madison was going to become a big sister before Megan broke the silence by saying "I want to see Missy's stomach...Is she fat yet?" Maddie's response? "I don't know....the last time I saw her she was only semi-fat." Thanks for that, Madison. Truth be told, I lost 15 pounds in my first trimester and haven't put any of it back on yet. There has been a definite shift in how my clothes fit, and I'm sure that one of these days I'll get my appetite back. Maybe then something other than milk, Starburst, pineapple, and Hotdogs (not together) will sound good. All in all, things are going very well and I'm feeling pretty good...as long as I'm not anywhere near toothpaste, which is beyond completely disgusting.

Oh, and one more random thought for the road: Madison announced that she has started training for an olympic gold medal in ice skating. Her training regimen includes eating ramen noodles, a carrot, and a banana for lunch. In addition to the rigorous food schedule, she is ice skating once a week and can now do a jump. We'll see how this all pans out.

I think that is it for now. I hope that all is well for each of you.

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a young girl growing up on a farm in south central Iowa. She was the youngest of the three children and enjoyed the good life. She had a large and supportive extended family and a very close immediate family. Family ties ran deep regardless of the long distances that sometimes had to be traveled to see eachother. The girl was raised in a household of strong faith and a lot of laughter. In her teen years she worked a couple of odd jobs to make a little extra money and went on some youth group trips--sealing her faith. After high school she moved off the farm, got a job at a new hardware store in her new town, and started college, studying nursing, which complimented her caring nature and compassion for others.


On the other side of the Missouri river, a young boy was living a similar, yet different childhood. He lived near the city of Omaha and spent his days riding his bike and looking for a little mischief as most young boys do. He was the second of 3 children. In his teen years he excelled at football and ROTC, earning the reputation as a perfectionist with a big heart. After high school he crossed the Missouri into the great state and began his college career studying Mechanical Engineering. In his small amount of spare time, he worked at Menards.

This is where their paths crossed. There, in the back aisles of the Millwork department between customers, unloading inventory, and the occasional strong man compititions (back when we chicks didn't care that it was strong man instead of strongperson) slowly but surely a romance blossomed. Within 2 years they were planning a wedding. The wedding was lovely and the couple began their life together and with the young man's young daughter.

The years were good to them. They graduated and moved to the Mississippi River valley to begin their careers and continued their marital bliss. Close contact was kept with their respective families and many joys were celebrated...the birth of nieces, the purchase of their first home, and settling into an ideal church family to name a few. Along the road they also grieved the loss together of 2 grandfathers and a grandmother. In one particularly devastating year they lost a sister and a father. Near the end of that year they learned that the year would not end in sadness. Though the past had held loss of life, the future showed much hope for new life in the form of a baby due in August 2010!!! After 9 1/2 years and counting of marriage, life was still good and they couldn't be more excited to continue on in their journey.

Tomorrow and randoms

Tomorrow will be a good day. I get to shower in my own shower after a few days of using the guest shower as our master bath was in a state of remodel. Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. YIPPEE! I only have 1 patient to see...so far...it will probably change! And the best of all??? My Mommy is coming to my house!! On Thursday we are going to head to Michigan to spend some time with my aunt and hopefully cousins!) while my uncle is away on a trip.

I am looking forward to this for a few reasons. First of all I get my mom all to myself for a 6 hour car ride. I'm sure that we'll find some good reasons to share a laugh and maybe a tear. I look forward to just being with her. Second, I am really excited to see my aunt. Last fall we went to Branson with this aunt (and uncle) and had a wonderful time, and I love to watch how my mom and her just "click." Although they are both the "inlaws" of the family, in a lot of ways they are truly like sisters.

Yeah for tomorrow!

We finished the bathroom remodel and it turned out as good as if not better than expected. Tan-ish walls, light oak wood grain laminate flooring, bright white tub, toilet, sink, and trim, a warm and rich dark brown tile in the shower with matching countertop, pewter fixtures, and a splash of burgundy in towels and rugs. Perfect.

Maddie was here last weekend and we just had a really nice family time. She opted to stay home and help dad with the bathroom project instead of going to a friend's house to play. We shared a lot of laughs--such a sweet girl. I miss her so much when she is not here.

We did have a little excitement early Sunday morning. I was awakened from a very deep sleep convinced that a helicopter was trying to land on my bed. It was loud and my room was shaking. I jumped up and looked out the window--nothing. I screamed at Craig in my very alarmed and panicked voice "WHAT IS GOING ON??" to which he jumped up laughing a little and promptly unplugged his air compressor, which he had used to air nail the trim in the bathroom. Evidently it had decompressed just enough to warrant running the motor and restoring the pressure at 1:00 in the morning. He felt bad for laughing at me but said that the look on my face was hilarious. I didn't see the humor and fell back asleep shortly after my heartrate dropped back down below 500. Oh the woes of remodeling. We will now make rounds before we go to bed to ensure that this never repeats itsself. I was so scared.

I think that is it for now. The Biggest Loser is now on and demands that I give my undivided attention. Good night, all!

Not the best

OK, so I need to vent a little. I had my annual evaluation at work this week. My boss complimented my work performance, told me that my attendance was outstanding, said what an asset I was to the hospital, gave me my raise details and then....I could not believe it....she said "I know that you have had a lot going on personally, but I do have to say that this has not been your best year." I just stared at her blankly as she smiled back a fake smile. Not my best year? Do you think? My blood started to boil just a little.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life. I forced myself to show up to work everyday and try to focus on my work. I tried SO hard to not let Kim's passing or my Dad's accident interfere with my work world. Other things were going on in life that changed me. Yet I went to work. I did my job. I placed more than 400 PICC lines. I made small talk and comforted my patients when they were apprehensive about the procedure or their health. I educated. I even joined a committee to improve a process and served as a resource for many nurses and even management. I gave whatever was left in me to give to my patients.
I've been a nurse for 13 years. I've seen a few people come into the world and many people bid the world goodnight. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING can prepare you for what happens in your heart and head when people that you care so deeply about die. It changes you. Forever. Sometimes those changes may affect all aspects of your life. Our society gives us 3 days to mourn, grieve, and get over it. It took me a little longer and I won't make any excuses or pretend that it is not ok to let letting go of these extremely special people to change me a little. Yep. Last year was not my best.
Thanks for listening,
~M

Christmas, cows, and birthdays.

I just realized that I have not posted on my blog for nearly a month. This has been a crazy time. Let's just say the ususal...it's not easy being me! :) We have traveled across Iowa and Illinois more than once trying to make it to various Christmas celebrations. This weekend we're heading to my Mom's to have our family Christmas. This happened to be the only time between December and January that we could get our schedules coordinated.

Saturday will be a bittersweet day. My mom has decided to sell the cows and on Saturday the buyer is coming to pick them up. Part of me is happy knowing that the herd will stay together and that the buyers have a reputation of taking great care of their livestock, but sad at the same time. Those cows meant so much to my dad and parting with anything important to him is a reminder of the reality of just how much life has changed.

On the up side, there are also 7 heifers that Dad was particularly fond of. Mom is going to keep them, expecting them to calf in April. I am really glad that she made that decision. I can't imagine going to the farm and not seeing any black cows littering the pasture. Maybe it is selfishness, but that's something I just don't feel ready to let go of yet.

Sunday is also my Dad's birthday. He would have been 62. Oh how I miss that man and what wouldn't I give for just a little more time!