Do vs. Wish

We had such a nice weekend with Craig's parents. It felt so good to be together. Now it is Monday and as I am reflecting back on the past 4 days I keep thinking. Maybe too much. We kept busy, we talked about happy memories of Kim, we played the Farming Game (beginner's luck caused me to lose to the 2 newbies), we shopped, walked, laughed, loved, cried, and started thinking. This is the way life is now. A reality I wish wasn't so. If only it were as simple as making wishes. Wishes that Kimmi was still here. Wishes that more could have been done to restore her. Wishes that she had been born healthy. Wishes that this all didn't hurt so much. Wishes...
On the other hand, my selfish wishes would be disaster. They would mean that I, not God, was in control. I can't even consistently keep my house clean--how would I manage all of these difficult things? I know that if I could have any wish I wanted come true at any time, life would not be anything like it is today. Madison is such an important, beautiful, rewarding part of my life that I would not now trade for anything, but the difficulties that were imposed upon Craig and I during the early days of our marriage would certainly have been wished away. It would have been easier and felt better in the moment to not have to deal with all of the hurt and frustration but in retrospect it all made our relationship even better than we could have imagined. What would I have wished away?
I guess where I am going with this is that I need to stop. Stop the wishes, stop the need to know, stop the fighting against what God has planned and just surrender once again. Surrender the need to understand and control back to God's plan. He knows what is best for me and will continue to reveal His plan in His time...not mine. All I need to do is surrender. Finally...something that I can DO and trust in instead of WISH and wonder.