Going home

It seems in some ways that each day gets a little more difficult. I woke up several times in the night to relieve myself of the effects of all the IV fluid and often found myself stopping to hold my son for a bit resting peacefully in his little blanket. With the glow of the nightlight he just looked like a little angel. A very little angel.

The baptism was very meaningful. My mom, Craig's parents, and dear friends (two of whom are also our pastors) were there. We had a time of sharing our thoughts and perspectives on the the loss of Christopher. It was beautiful and regret deeply that my emotional state does not allow me to remember a lot of what was said. Hopefully in time those memories will come back...

We left the hospital shortly after noon. All through the morning I kept trying to figure out how I could possibly leave this little one behind when it was time to go, but when the time came to hold him one last time I once again felt empowered with strength and peace. It was time to go and Craig and I both realized it at the same time. With more love than I ever have thought possible we kissed our baby goodbye.

It felt good to be home. I even was able to take a short nap before we went to the funeral home. I am so sick of those places I almost puked. This is the third funeral home in barely over a year. My body went numb. I was so grateful that Craig could convey our wishes because I had no words. I couldn't comprehend even basic discussion. I could point and confirm--that was it. It was like Craig was reading my mind and saying all the thoughts that were trapped inside of me. Normally, this wouldn't be a good thing, but today it was great. Perhaps at some point I will feel ready to post more about the decisions that we made there, but not tonight.

The airline called and said that Craig's lost luggage had been found--Whew! His laptop, the GPS (affectionately known as Bonnie) and a lot of his dress clothes were in there, so it was a relief to have that turn up. Craig and I drove out to the airport to pick it up. It felt good to do something that seemed normal. On the way home we stopped to get haircuts. I went way short for me and will probably have some regrets in the morning, but it was nice to just feel refreshed and normal. Of course the hairdresser asked the inevitable "do you have kids?" to which my pre-planned response was "We have a really cute rabbit." Not at all an answer to her question, but a nice change of subject. We spent the rest of the time talking about pets. Perfect!

I keep thinking "I'm just going to blog a little bit tonight" and the next thing I know it is late. I am feeling good, but am easily reminded that my blood volume isn't what is should be yet. My levels had dropped again this morning and I'm thinking that laying in my own bed sounds pretty wonderful. Good night, and thanks to all of you for your prayers and support. We can really reel that we are being held up by the power of so many prayers right now.