Pics

I don't know how I have overlooked mentioning one of the most meaningful things that happened on Wednesday evening. We had professional pictures taken with Christopher by an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS). When this was first offered to us we were a little unsure. The hospital had given us a disposable camera and part of us felt like that would be enough. We knew that we did not want to display any pictures in our home--or anywhere else--of our deceased baby, but amid encouragement from the hospital staff we decided that we would have the pictures taken. We would never have to look at them if we didn't choose to, but if we missed our opportunity we wouldn't get another.

The lady that took our portraits was wonderful--very softspoken and kind. The photo session didn't last too long, but long enough. By the time it was finished I was struggling to contain myself. I wasn't sure whether or not I would ever open the envelope when it arrived.

Later, as I was holding my son in my hands I was trying to convert each angle of his little face into memory. I knew that the images that were being stored there were beautiful and perfect, but was a little concerned that if the photos didn't turn out as I had hoped it could distort what was in my mind. I didn't want anything to change the way I remembered my son's precious face.

By the time we'd been home for 4 days I had a strong sense of desire to see pictures of my baby. I took the disposable camera in to be developed and asked Craig to pick them up on his way home from work so that we could look at them for the first time together. My fears came true as we sat on the edge of the sofa and peered through the snapshots. The details of his tiny features were lost and I strained to see my Christopher through the glossy-ness. We put them back in the enevelope and considered throwing them out (and keep the disc that we also had printed just in case), but ultimately decided to keep them and never look at them again (because that makes sense). The thing that made us come to that decision was that those were the only pictures that we would ever have of our sweet son with his adorable little hat on.

About 4 days later Craig and I were returning from a walk when I saw a large envelope sticking out of the mailbox. I broke out in a huge smile and nearly sprinted the rest of the way home, knowing that it was probably our professional pictures. It was. (OK, so Craig is laughing at me as I am reading this post back to him before posting. We were at the end of the driveway when I spotted the envelope, so it was only about 30 feet to the mailbox, but that is far greater a distance than I have sprinted in the last 10 years, and have I mentioned that I still wasn't quite back to par?)

While sitting on the edge of the sofa once again we popped the slideshow into the computer. We sat amazed as perfectly captured images of us with our son flashed before us to a very very sad song. We both cried over the sadness of the loss and gratitude that the way that we remembered Christopher looking was no longer confined to our memories, but now also to pictures that we can look over for years to come.

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep gave us something that we could have obtained no other way. Essentially, it gave us a way to keep our son's appearance fresh and clear long after our memories may begin to fade. Wonderful wonderful wonderful--that's what NILMDTS is...and the service they provide is FREE. (If anyone is looking to donate funds to this fantastic non-profit as we have done, they will accept it!)

You will probably never find any of those pictures displayed publicly (i.e. on my blog). I am working on editing one photo, limiting what can be seen to my finger, Craig's finger, and Christopher's tiny hand. If I am able to get it to look right (ok, so right now it just looks like his arm has been severed from his and is just hanging there--definitly not the final attempt), I might post a link for those who want to see it, but will never post it or any other pictures directly so that they are just there when you open the website.

However, I have printed copies of the pictures and if anyone is interested in personally viewing them, I would be honored to show them. We are not comfortable with electronically sending any, but be glad to show you our hard copies.