Last night I couldn't sleep. As I laid there hearing nothing but the steady breathing of my sleeping husband I was overcome by a deep desire to hold my Christopher. As tried to coerce my mind back to rest I began to pray. My thoughts were so scattered and sporadic I couldn't even focus enough to make a sentence. I couldn't decide whether I was angry at God for giving me my heart's desire and then taking it away, or whether I wanted to praise Him for the time I was given to carry my son and hold him. Or maybe a little of both.
Downstairs I found Christopher's little hat. He looked so cute with it on. The smell of it made me feel so close to him. I talked to him for a little while--telling him how much I love him and miss him. Telling him of how I wished I could go back in time to last Sunday when I could feel his gentle kicks within me, and how I was so happy for him that he was with Jesus and didn't have to ever suffer the pain of this world....among other more personal thoughts.
I reached for my Bible and headed back upstairs. The book of Job opened before me and spoke to my heart. Completely drawn in, I began to realize the magnitude of Job's loss in just his first test of faithfulness by Satan. EVERYTHING that he had and continually gave thanks for had been taken away, yet his response? "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." I did lose something so special and I am hurting--sometimes more than I feel I can bear, but I have still been given so much. Praise to God needed to come from within me, also. I drifted off with a strong desire to attend worship this morning.
With no alarm set, I woke up at 8:45 and asked Craig if he thought we could still make the 9:30 service. As we raced through the shower and I attempted to make some sense of order to my hair, we arrived just a little late and found a seat near the back--perfect. With tears of loss and gratitude welling in my eyes and a little remaining weakness in my knees I sang one of my favorite songs "In Christ Alone." (click for lyrics)
Just before the end of the service the people on the end of our pew got up and left an opening for us to get out. Thanks, God, for giving us the break we needed. As we left the parking lot my soul had been recharged. God had been praised, and my sweet little Christopher Job was expeiencing his first Sunday in Heaven.
Trash Pickup Day
3 years ago
1 comment:
Missy - this morning as I read your blogs from the last week, I was overwhelmed with such a mix of emotions. In the family of God we rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Today I did both with you. I wept with you at your loss, grasping just a small sense of your pain through your written words. Know that we am so sorry for your loss and and know that Vicki and I are praying for you and Craig as you again walk through the valley. I also rejoiced in the Lord with you - for his unfailing goodness, his faithful promises, and for the sweet refreshment he brings to our weary, broken souls in worship. I also rejoiced in the Lord for the way he has grown you. There is a depth to your relationship with God that I am blessed to see. I know that refinement has been through fire, but it is really cool to see the beautiful woman of God you are today. So know that I am proud of you Missy. Your blogs reveal a person who is reflecting Christ in the midst of the most painful experiences.
Much love, Dave
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