Two weeks ago...

It has now been two weeks since Christopher died. As I reflect on the day that my life was changed by that precious little angel many thoughts and emotions come to mind. I have taken a lot of time to think about the way things all happened and have a new sense of gratitude as I realize how everything was perfectly orchestrated to bring our son into the world in the way that he came.

I feel a little reluctance in writing these thoughts, because I don't want to leave any room for misunderstanding. I would have done ANYTHING to bring this little guy into the world safe and healthy. I would have given anything to protect him from the very beginning, but the fact is, I couldn't. I could not have done a single thing to prevent what happened from taking place. There was a silent threat lurking inside of me that robbed my son of life. A threat that, had anyone known about, would have been treated and all would be fine. If only we had known. God knew, though, and for some reason this was all part of His plan. As His will unraveled around us we were hurt, angry, confused, and unsure--and still face some of those feelings as we try to make sense of it, but also there is a stillness within, a contentedness of sorts as we know that everything will be ok.

Two weeks ago at this time I was praying the hardest prayer that I have ever prayed. I was still waiting for Craig to arrive and just asked God again for peace and strength as we tried to discern His will in all of this. I prayed that He would make the right choices clear to us, and that (this was the hardest part of all) He would not let there be a heartbeat on our next ultrasound if it was His plan to take our dearly loved baby to heaven, clearing the way for us to know what to do next. I knew in my heart that if our baby had died then I could deliver and find a place of healing someday, but if we had to make a choice between life and death for our son I could not do it. I could not end the life of my child by bringing him into the world without a chance when, if he was left alone inside of me, he could live for even one second longer. I couldn't believe that those words were coming from my lips. Out of love for my unborn child and with all things considered I reluctantly gave God permission (not that He needs it) to let my baby die. I wanted a miracle more than I needed air, but the miracle I would receive was not the one I asked for.


Craig finally arrived and when he walked into the room I felt just like I did two years ago when I picked him up at the airport after 11 months in Iraq--relieved and full of love for him. His trip home was rather eventful--there were several things that had happened that should have caused him to miss every leg of his flight--but I'll save that for another day. He climbed in bed next to me and we just held eachother and wept and talked. Oh how blessed I was then and am now to have him. So very blessed in so many ways.

We had a heart to heart discussion, trying to discern our responsibility to God and our son in a few of the scenerios that we knew could unfold before us and made some tentative decisions about a few things. Then we joined my mom, sister, and our pastor (PB) who were in a family room. It seemed refreshing to get out of the room a little bit while we waited for the doctor to make rounds.

After a while, the nurse asked Craig and I to go back to my room to see the doctor. It was Dr. B that day, as well as my midwife, Beth, who also had already earned her way to my BFF list. The ultrasound tech came in and the room grew silent as we all stared at the monitor. Within me we saw no movement, no heartbeat. There wasn't a dry eye in the room as Dr. B whispered "there's no heartbeat". My mind and body began to react with sobs and wretching as I was forced to let go of hope for a miracle. Craig held me in a tight embrace, his tears mixing with mine as they ran down my face. I asked Dr. B "what do we do now?" not really wanting to hear the answer.

"We can induce labor whenever you are ready...take as much time as you need."

Everyone but Craig and I left, and together we began to acknowledge the familiar pain of death once again. Mom, Shelli, and PB came in and shared in our loss. Even though my prayer had been answered, my broken heart could not comprehend what was happening.

A short while later, we decided to begin the induction, knowing that it could take up to a couple of days to complete. I felt calm and collected. Craig went for a short walk in an attempt to clear his thoughts and returned quickly. Mom and Shelli left for a short time to get some fresh air. Craig, PB, and I sat in the room and had a pleasant conversation about something, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. Just as PB was getting ready to leave, the labor was getting intense. I called Beth (midwife) and she was by my side immediately.

Within the hour, I was holding the most precious thing I had ever seen in my hands. A beautiful and perfect baby boy. Not just any baby, but our baby, our son.

The nurse and the midwife had tenderly wrapped him in a blanket and placed him in a tiny basket. His arms were gently folded across his chest (he was born that way), and he was covered in baby oil to keep his tissues moist and fresh, which gave him the sweetest smell on earth.

I stared at our tiny miracle (I had thought all along that our baby would be a boy!) in disbelief of how perfect he really was. Perfectly formed fingers and toes complete with itty bitty fingernails. A beautiful face with the cutest nose you could ever imagine. Tiny ears that were curled just a little at the top just like my dad's were. The amazing network of veins and arteries clearly tracable through his transparent skin as well as the muscles and ligaments that would become his bones. I have never seen such a beautiful sight in all my life, and was amazed to think that the same God that formed the mighty mountains had also delicately knitted this baby's tiny body so perfectly together. (I know that I have used the word perfect a lot, but it is the ideal descriptor!)

Wednesday was such a packed day and I want to include more details, but am too tired and emotionally drained to continue on right now. Therefore, I'll continue another time....