The Feather

If life was as we had planned, I would be anticipating an ultrasound in 2 days. Today I would have quietly celebrated that I was 20 weeks pregnant--half way there. I would have googled "baby at 20 weeks gestation" as I had every Wednesday to see what new and exciting things my baby was doing and what fruit I could compare his body size to this week. I would have probably over indulged once again in Starbursts and would have dreaded taking my multivitamin with dinner. I would have kept Craig up late again pouring over the list of possible names.

Life has not left us where we thought we would be. Instead of discussing baby names we're realizing with more clarity the fact that the dreams we have had for our little one will never be. I find myself making a list each night of things to do the next day so that I not only have things to look forward to, but also fill my time so that I don't sit around and think too much. It seems at times like a new area of my brain has just realized that I am no longer pregnant and my baby is gone, leaving me feeling shocked and confused. There are times that I can sit and talk about Christopher and our experience, look at his pictures and not even shed a tear because I feel nothing--completely numb. Times that I feel full of joy that he lived, and times times that I miss him so much that I have to focus just to breathe. I want off of this pendulum that seems to be swinging between elation and despair with numbness in between. Most of the time I feel nothing at all, though, and that is what I despise. I want to feel. Even if hurts, I want to feel.

I have learned so much in the last year, and especially in the past three weeks. So very much about life, about death, and about love.

Life is unfair. It is confusing and makes no sense sometimes. It hurts and shows little respect for what we want. It is fragile and can be snuffed out without rhyme or reason. It is also blissful and vibrant. It is the greenest green you can find in the spring, but also the stillness of brown in the fall. Unpredictable. Merciless sometimes and inspirational others. Life is like a feather perched atop a fingertip on a breezy day. It may float carelessly for a while upon the gentle wind, beautifully and freely flittering through the air.

Death is sickening. It reduces relationships to mere memories and robs us of opportunity to create new ones. It breaks hearts and creates separation between us and those we love. Death stinks in so many ways. It attempts to rob us of joy by overwhelming us with feelings of sadness. Death catches the whimsically floating feather unaware by its swift current and plummets it to the ground where it becomes soiled and broken. It causes so much hurt, even though I know that death does not have the final say.

Love is so amazing, so beautiful and pure. It eases suffering and creates hope. It comforts and surrounds. Love knows no limits and is mutually felt by the giver and receiver. Love finds an old and rugged feather laying on the ground and sees beauty in it. It tenderly washes it off, and places it again on a fingertip where the next breeze can find it. Love sends cards or hugs when someone is hurting. It is at the center of a warm embrace. Love does not disappoint, even though we may find more pain to heal because we dared to love.

Through all of this I have been reminded that God has not asked me to do anything that He has not done Himself. He has also grieved over the loss of a son. The only difference is God knew what the outcome of his son entering the world was going to be. He knew that His son would die yet He poured Himself into him. He allowed Himself to become attached. Had I known from the beginning that my son would not survive, I know that in an effort to protect my heart, my nature would have pushed away any attempts that would allow me to fully engage in his being. I can say this because I spent the first 3 months of my pregnancy trying not to get my hopes up...somewhat prepping myself for disappointment should it come. God wasn't like that. He knew and still dared to love. That is the greatest example of life, and death, and definitely love that could ever be. God's love...so amazing.