I have a feeling that I'm going to be blogging quite a bit. I am used to keeping pretty busy, but am off work for 6 weeks and am content for the time being with the cleanliness of my house. To top it off I am still feeling quite lightheaded at times, so venturing off on my own is not an option yet. However, sitting in my chair with my laptop--that is something I can handle!
Craig and I have both felt so uplifted by the prayers, phone calls, visits, and encouraging notes left on the blog, e-mail, or facebook. One thing I have really struggled with is feeling so alone. My rounded abdomen is flattening out and my empty body reminds me often that I have recently given birth. I know that in time things will physically start feeling normal again, but for now each pain and cramp prompts me to remember that I am a mother with a baby only to love, not to hold or care for. Those physical aches are bad enough, but are nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
Today was beautiful. Craig had to pick up some Primerica paperwork so I rode along. We had the sunroof open and it was wonderful just to let the warm sun shine in my face while he was in the office. I'm so thankful that the weather has been lovely--it is so refreshing. We also walked 1.5 mile round trip to Hy-Vee and back. It seemed like it was a doable distance but I was thankful for a nice bench and plenty of time to rest on the way home. We set out just for batteries and laughed as we brought home batteries, a sympathy card, tylenol, and sushi. This evening we went to a movie. It seems strange in a way to be going out when this is still so fresh, but I know that all too soon the waves of loss will find me and we do need to take tender care of eachother, too. I'll write a post soon telling you all just how wonderful my husband is. :)
I need to wrap it up for now-tomorrow has all of the makings to be a difficult day (I'll probably blog again to explain), but just wanted to ask you all to hold our friends Matt and Christy in prayer. Matt's mom lost her battle with cancer on the same day that Christopher died. It is good for us to remember that we are not the only ones dealing with the pain of loss.
Thanks for listening,
~M
Trash Pickup Day
4 years ago
2 comments:
I'm so glad we were able to talk last night. I so wish Christopher was there for you to hold and care for.
I am glad, though, you are able to feel peace about it and know your Dad will be an excellent babysitter till you can hold him again. (And I'm sure Christopher will know all about the differences between dairy and beef cows :-).
P.S. Joshua must really have been eager for that extra hug from you, since he woke up at 3 am to claim it. He would have preferred it, though, had you specified a hug, playtime, and a snack.
You are an amazingly gifted writer and I am absolutely touched by your beautiful use of words and your unbelievable vulnerabilty that I am sure is bringing healing with each letter you type. You need to write a book. This is definitely a good start. My prayers are with you continuously. It is breaking my heart to hear of your losses, but I can't help but keep reading. What a bright light you are. Love to you and that sweet husband and baby. Night night. Xo
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